So as I realized that I don't know what a hug or embrace, of another, feels like... it is a sensation that escapes me all together. The only embrace I know is that of my mickey-kun..... and no offence to his embraces... but I don't think they are the same.. and they are doing less and less for me. Apparently I am hugged many times over on the net... I get a "*
gles**" I don't even know how to feel that.... this is a sensation that escapes me all together... so I lie to my friends and say "That feels good" when in reality I feel nothing at all... I am so pathetic I am to the point where I cannot even imagine what something like that feels like. How sad is that, I cannot even fake it. Even when people, the few, describe it to me I still cannot come up with a sensation. I think that I just will never feel it again. The only embrace I feel right now is mickey-kun's and that is fading... soon I will feel nothing nothing at all.
But this is really all my fault for being a scared paranoid individual. All thorugh my life I have never had friends who I could hug or touch. I mean I can recall maybe 2 males of whom I could call friend... but no females. I was always timid I hide myself every well even in the front of the classroom I was invisible. No one takes an interest in a kid they cannot see unless forced too. I choose to not be seen so I am at fault for this problem of mine. I do not even know why I am bitching about it. I made the decision to not want to be seen. And hey I got it, I guess if you try at something you might be able to attain it. But something as easy as being invisible anyone who wanted too could be invisible. But then again I am not an interesting human being.
Even during my younger years my views were always radical. I did not stick to one side I was all over the place, hell even in the way I dressed. Yet not one person found me interesting. Not a one how wonderful is that? Well I won't say that no one found me interesting I mean I was the new kid from colorado in 7th grade. People saw interest in that, only that interest died out once they knew me, even a little. I can really base all of this based on the yearbooks from school. It is a ritual to sign them, something people do quite often. But if you look in my year books as I progressed from 7th to 12th grade. They number of signatures died out, it was right around 9th grade when I realized peoples lack of interest in me. Due to the decreasing amount of signatures in my yearbook... and the ones I did have I had to almost beg to get. By 11th grade my book was empty, in mint condition no signing nothing. That was the first year I decided to let people ask me to sign my yearbook.... when it came back empty I began to realize... It just took a few extra years for me to accept it and let it sink in. I am not ani interesting person. Unless I am on the net, where no one can see me or hear me... they just see my text and I cannot hide it... most people claim that they would see me... and hell even a few would squint their eyes at me... but nothing more than that... I would disappear from their sights as soon as their alleged friends appeared. And that would be that. I am just an uninteresting individual.
In the end I have to embrace the truth. That I will probably always be alone and miserable. My only deep relationships will be over the net and while they are nice.... they seem to be lacking... oh well I will come to forget what affection feels like and that will be that... once I am free from that feeling I should be free from feeling anything... then my life will hopefully become a numb blur... or I will eat a gun... I am not sure which just yet.
gles**" I don't even know how to feel that.... this is a sensation that escapes me all together... so I lie to my friends and say "That feels good" when in reality I feel nothing at all... I am so pathetic I am to the point where I cannot even imagine what something like that feels like. How sad is that, I cannot even fake it. Even when people, the few, describe it to me I still cannot come up with a sensation. I think that I just will never feel it again. The only embrace I feel right now is mickey-kun's and that is fading... soon I will feel nothing nothing at all.But this is really all my fault for being a scared paranoid individual. All thorugh my life I have never had friends who I could hug or touch. I mean I can recall maybe 2 males of whom I could call friend... but no females. I was always timid I hide myself every well even in the front of the classroom I was invisible. No one takes an interest in a kid they cannot see unless forced too. I choose to not be seen so I am at fault for this problem of mine. I do not even know why I am bitching about it. I made the decision to not want to be seen. And hey I got it, I guess if you try at something you might be able to attain it. But something as easy as being invisible anyone who wanted too could be invisible. But then again I am not an interesting human being.
Even during my younger years my views were always radical. I did not stick to one side I was all over the place, hell even in the way I dressed. Yet not one person found me interesting. Not a one how wonderful is that? Well I won't say that no one found me interesting I mean I was the new kid from colorado in 7th grade. People saw interest in that, only that interest died out once they knew me, even a little. I can really base all of this based on the yearbooks from school. It is a ritual to sign them, something people do quite often. But if you look in my year books as I progressed from 7th to 12th grade. They number of signatures died out, it was right around 9th grade when I realized peoples lack of interest in me. Due to the decreasing amount of signatures in my yearbook... and the ones I did have I had to almost beg to get. By 11th grade my book was empty, in mint condition no signing nothing. That was the first year I decided to let people ask me to sign my yearbook.... when it came back empty I began to realize... It just took a few extra years for me to accept it and let it sink in. I am not ani interesting person. Unless I am on the net, where no one can see me or hear me... they just see my text and I cannot hide it... most people claim that they would see me... and hell even a few would squint their eyes at me... but nothing more than that... I would disappear from their sights as soon as their alleged friends appeared. And that would be that. I am just an uninteresting individual.
In the end I have to embrace the truth. That I will probably always be alone and miserable. My only deep relationships will be over the net and while they are nice.... they seem to be lacking... oh well I will come to forget what affection feels like and that will be that... once I am free from that feeling I should be free from feeling anything... then my life will hopefully become a numb blur... or I will eat a gun... I am not sure which just yet.