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My only Embrace

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Forgotten_Man, Aug 10, 2006.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So as I realized that I don't know what a hug or embrace, of another, feels like... it is a sensation that escapes me all together. The only embrace I know is that of my mickey-kun..... and no offence to his embraces... but I don't think they are the same.. and they are doing less and less for me. Apparently I am hugged many times over on the net... I get a "**Huggles**" I don't even know how to feel that.... this is a sensation that escapes me all together... so I lie to my friends and say "That feels good" when in reality I feel nothing at all... I am so pathetic I am to the point where I cannot even imagine what something like that feels like. How sad is that, I cannot even fake it. Even when people, the few, describe it to me I still cannot come up with a sensation. I think that I just will never feel it again. The only embrace I feel right now is mickey-kun's and that is fading... soon I will feel nothing nothing at all.

    But this is really all my fault for being a scared paranoid individual. All thorugh my life I have never had friends who I could hug or touch. I mean I can recall maybe 2 males of whom I could call friend... but no females. I was always timid I hide myself every well even in the front of the classroom I was invisible. No one takes an interest in a kid they cannot see unless forced too. I choose to not be seen so I am at fault for this problem of mine. I do not even know why I am bitching about it. I made the decision to not want to be seen. And hey I got it, I guess if you try at something you might be able to attain it. But something as easy as being invisible anyone who wanted too could be invisible. But then again I am not an interesting human being.

    Even during my younger years my views were always radical. I did not stick to one side I was all over the place, hell even in the way I dressed. Yet not one person found me interesting. Not a one how wonderful is that? Well I won't say that no one found me interesting I mean I was the new kid from colorado in 7th grade. People saw interest in that, only that interest died out once they knew me, even a little. I can really base all of this based on the yearbooks from school. It is a ritual to sign them, something people do quite often. But if you look in my year books as I progressed from 7th to 12th grade. They number of signatures died out, it was right around 9th grade when I realized peoples lack of interest in me. Due to the decreasing amount of signatures in my yearbook... and the ones I did have I had to almost beg to get. By 11th grade my book was empty, in mint condition no signing nothing. That was the first year I decided to let people ask me to sign my yearbook.... when it came back empty I began to realize... It just took a few extra years for me to accept it and let it sink in. I am not ani interesting person. Unless I am on the net, where no one can see me or hear me... they just see my text and I cannot hide it... most people claim that they would see me... and hell even a few would squint their eyes at me... but nothing more than that... I would disappear from their sights as soon as their alleged friends appeared. And that would be that. I am just an uninteresting individual.

    In the end I have to embrace the truth. That I will probably always be alone and miserable. My only deep relationships will be over the net and while they are nice.... they seem to be lacking... oh well I will come to forget what affection feels like and that will be that... once I am free from that feeling I should be free from feeling anything... then my life will hopefully become a numb blur... or I will eat a gun... I am not sure which just yet.
  2. Convergence

    Convergence Guest

    Hey Forgotten Man...

    I read your post, and I can say that's the exact way I feel. It's really hard for me to even imagine the thought of hugging. I'm not so much jealous, but envious of those who can truly embrace such an incredible sensation. This lack of affection to people like us is catastrophic. It really killed me on Valentine's to watch everyone holding hands...hugging...kissing.

    It's a little difficult...

    The more I think about it, the more I am realizing how pathetic I am. And how it's hopeless. It hurts more and more.

    I know I'm not exactly helping, but I definitly know how you feel.
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Valentines day.... stirs up painful memeories of my invisible existance. I hate that day with a passion... a day dedicated to love... something never have, or never will, experience.

    It is nice in some ways to know that I am not the only person out there.

    And you help me more than you know. I really don't like it when people try to fill me with hope... I am just never going to be like them...
  4. justme107

    justme107 Active Member

    Add me to your boat. I don't touch anyone. Never have. The one person I liked hugging and touching and want to again now ignores me completely. I can only believe it's because I'm so pathetic. Or touching me was so repulsive. I also succeeded in making myself invisible. And I can't let myself be touched, because it will only end in pain. Eveyrone leaves. So, how to survive? With no feeling and no hope? I don't know.
  5. DoubledStratum

    DoubledStratum Well-Known Member

    I have hugged 3 people, I hate all of them. :dry:
    Outside my family I do not like getting close to people.
    I suppose it's whether you want to hug or not. If I really did want to be hugged I'd go out and endure all the embarrassment of my social ineptitude until I get it right.
    It just doesn't seem all too important to me. But sometimes I do wonder what it would feel like to be liked...-_-
  6. I have hugged many people. It's not all it's cracked-up to be. It doesn't give a sense of security, of belonging, of love or anything else you can think of. To be quite frank, hugs suck.
  7. DoubledStratum

    DoubledStratum Well-Known Member

    My reckoning is I shall pack myself full of explosives, put the charger under my coat and wait for someone I hate to hug me. Two birds with one large bang. :mellow:

    No, that would be inconsiderate. And require more than 5 minutes of planning.

    I suppose it's the symbolism some find attractive. "I like you enough to let you into my personal space and hold you there."
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Yeah I am still working on the going numb thing... it is not as easy as I would have hoped.

    That is the feeling that catches my eye... what it is like to be like what it is like to be loved.. what it is like to be wanted or needed.... all of these feelings illude me.

    I don't think SF condones forms of terrorism.. but who cares really.

    And yes the symoblism is what I like....

    Well since you HAVE hugged people I just think you are bored with the gesture that is all.... which is another sort of fear I have that I will become bored with the gesture and want more....
  9. It's strange... it's not so much that I'm "bored with the gesture" as I have never found it a source of comfort or anything. Only reason that I do so is due to conformity.
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmmm interesting... I wish I was more like you that way I would be able to not need it and be numb...
  11. dark_thought

    dark_thought Guest

    If you're not used to hugs, they can be great.
  12. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Ha indeed... Well I am hoping to aleviate myself of this need sooon... it is an annoying need...
  13. the grey girl

    the grey girl Member

    ya! it is... I also feel like that at times... but then when someone tries to hug me i feel unconfortable cos i think the person who's gonna hug me is gonna fine it disgusting... meh!
    someday I'll learn how to hug and be hugged :p I still have hopes... till then i ignore the need...
  14. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Ha I am working on that as well ignoring the feeling.... but it is like annoying.... it is like an unwanted dog who wants attention.... and no matter how much you ignore it it just won't leave you alone.
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