my overdose and the time since

[angee]

16 weeks ago tonight i took a massive overdose, my friends found me and called an ambulance. I had taken near on xx ect... Apparently i died 3 times, i was in a coma and was incubated, my lung collapsed ect. I was out two days later and somehow was fine just felt drugged up, shaky and dizzy for a few weeks. I was so angry when i came round; pulling at my tubes ect. My family and friends all reacted differently; no one got angry with but some are polite and keep bare contact, where others are closer. 16 weeks and i havn't cried! I don't feel anything about it other than anger that i was found and saved, i still want to die! Maybe that's why it won't hit me! i was admitted last week, tuesday till thursday because i had been xxx and planned to do it again that night. my head has been racing since, i don't know what i am doing or thinking half the time! i know i still want to die, that that part is there but nothing is sticking at the forefront of my head if you know what i mean. I know if i get stuck in that hell of a mindset again it will be the end of me! I have tried everything the professionals have to offer and what my loved ones have asked of me and nothing has changed! i have had depression and anxiety for 10 years but i think i have had since i was a young child i just didn't tell anyone and even after several suicide attempts, i was never diagnosed. i am 38 years old and so tired of this fight! my children where my anchor but i cant even connect with them anymore! i must be so f***ed up if i cant feel the love i have for my children!!!!

 

[peacelovingguy]

When a plane crashes - we have to put oxygen masks on - and it states in the instructions that parents MUST put theirs on before the children - because if you fall unconscious the kids will be in trouble and maybe tear off the oxygen mask.

It is an analogy for us - anyone with depression can get to a point were we cannot feel ANY love for close loved ones. Maybe we need a break at that point - and for you and other mums coping on your own - sometimes you seem to run out of love - you get exhausted of course!

So - in some ways I think your own mind is saying you need some care and attention also - not feeling any love is more just a warning sign - and you have spotted it! Which is a good thing. It does not mean you have no love left in you - you just need a break - and need to direct your life somewhere. I mean - being a mum is like having 50 different careers - BUT - I know lots of mums like you - who go back to education. Right now - sure - these Tories seem to want us dumb - but there will be something Angee - maybe even a Open University course?

You seem quite bright - wonder if you have done anything to gain qualifications or anything? How did you learn a computer for example?

And yes - I love rock music!! I mean - give me the fastest and most insane - and I'll stand in a mosh pit and fight everyone - in the friendly way we slap each other about a little! I feel so peaceful! Calm - Zen-like.

But I love lots of different music - hope you have a nice stereo there.

Check out a band called Between the Buried and Me - the Album Alaska is truly epic stuff - and a CD called 'Colours'

Sepultura I love also - and I've been in Punk Rock bands and fancy actually starting another one - maybe called The English Riot Blues Band" - play loud - sing about wanting to drive a tank to Parliament and Kabooom! to those useless sons of snitches! The MPs I mean.

Get angry at them!!!

Not you!

You are not as bad a person as you think you are.

And this depression -even suicide - people here have been there and come back and are living a life - they have children also so make a few females mates here and swap stories and tactics!

Professionals are often useless - just people who read a few books really - likely dank and got stoned through whatever course they completed. I know students! No way would I have anyone who just left university a million miles near my dark side!!!!

I think more mature people in counselling are far better.

Truth is - who lives life knows more than who reads about it. I do both - and have spent er - a good (I use that word optimistically) 30 odd years pretty much as bad as you now at some points - so I think its possible to live with depression and have a life and get along with people.

The important thing is accepting you have depression. I never done that till recently - just denied it - and how stupid is that? Denying to yourself you feel like dying? lol - I can be an idiot at times - but it keeps me in touch with the plebs. I joke!

Wales looks rainy today - barely see the hills - and your in the Valleys in the South right?

The love will come back.

Your 18yr-old daughter is looking out for you right?

Lots of luck! Hope you can find a bit more peace of mind as the weeks go on - and stick around - it might well persuade you NOT to do anything IF you promise to be honest with us about how you feel.

Take care - thanks for reading - download the CD Alaska - if you can download torrents!

My best wishes.

 

[Sadeyes]

I know this sounds cliche, but what really worked for me, was to consciously change the narrative in my head...I did not feel like what I was saying to myself for about a yr, and felt like a fraud, but today, I get real down and near the boundary of taking the bus, but have a boundary, something I did not have...just my 2 cents (worth nothing in the US right now) and humbly submitted...J

 

[angee]

i don't know what i want to do in the future! i ahve always lived for everyone else and been who they want me to be! its easier when you dont like who you are!!! I am hoping therapy will give me some clue as to who "I" am and who i want to be.
Couldn't agree more with what you said about the Tories hun, i remember the 80's all too well!!!!
I think with me its more that i know how bad i am but its not real, nothing feels real, even being in the mental health unit at the hospital!
I checked out that album Alaska; good but a bit thrashy for me hun, my daughter likes it! My daughter has been great fair play like. Yeah we are in the Rhondda valleys hun, lots of rain at the mo!
I did ok at school but i had alot of bad shit going on in my life so i didnt do aswell as i could have! then i was on the streets for near on 2 years so i didnt do college. I had my first child at 18 and from 19 have been a full time carer to my 2nd child so i have never really had much time for me.
Thanks for this Peace' it helps being able to say anythin without being judged cos we r all in the same boat in one way or another!
Take care of yourself
Angee
Thanks Sadeyes x

 

[peacelovingguy]

I think quite a few women will feel like you - men also - you reach a certain age and ask more questions - try to take stock of life.

Especially when the kids have grown a bit.

Sadeyes is right - you can change the narrative in your head - well if its a negative you have to do that. Not easy- but actually easier than spinning the same tired old tune around.

Hey - the album Alaska is not thrashy - I know what you mean but those guys are VERY talented musicians - ask your son who plays guitar!

You can see them on YouTube live - boy they are good - and I'm 46 played a guitar since 15 but I bow down to those young musicians.

In music we see how humanity gets better!

Anyway Angee most people will head to the grave without wondering who they are too much! At least your a thinker and I guess you would do good if you done a few courses - when your eldest lad has more care - I mean activities and so on - maybe even work but I guess he needs to come out himself a little bit perhaps - get used to people.

Thankfully he has a great mum - and don't put yourself down there.

From living on the streets to who you are now - that is a long way. I've not lived on the streets - but near as! I've lived in B and Bs and London - busked - woke up everyday with no money and so on but had my guitar and that always stuck by me.

I should marry it actually - but I'm not sure it understands me - lol.

Anyhow - I don't know what I want to do really.

I've got things to do - things I'd like to do - I guess choices are great but sometimes confusing when you have too many of them.

So - I think I'll just go and get wrecked at a festival upcoming.

Could be a epiphany there.

Could be one anywhere - in counselling, a night in - writing your thoughts down - you never know

But its good to think about what YOU want - its not selfish Angee - you have had a hard life I guess - not easy - and looking after a disabled child on top of this - well, of course its going to get you down at tmes

but you are clever - you know we're all in this in some ways. No matter what bought us to imagine we'd be better off dead - its good we can share it and to look for a better life.

sometimes its life that becomes a rut - and we sit back waiting for it to change when it does take some effort.

Next time you feel a little bit confident Angee - look into some kind of course to basically get used to a classroom.

I think you'd find yourself as your brain would be exercised and it really can fire it back up - into a gear in which we can cruise!

I want cruise control of my life - dammit - lol!

I'm in reverse right now!

Oh - its first - well, its a start!

good luck and hope today is a nice one in Wales.

 

[angee]

Exercise my brain??? i cant remember the last time my brain worked tidy! lol! But you are right i do need a course or something to get me out and get my head to kick into gear, i've been referred for a support worker to help me find and go to something. So crossed fingers!
I love my music, the right music touches me in a way nothing else does especialy if i'm singing or dancing. i love festivals! Which one are you going to? Have a drink for me lol.
I have always wanted to learn guitar, never got around to it but unfortunatly i have bee told i can't now as i have been diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my hands! Guess that'll be my art out of the window too eventually! I'm only 38!!!! Sulking! lol! Oh well find something else i can do! i guess!
How are you? Been up to anythin nice? Been busty again today, weathers been nice even though it was supposed to rain.
I have been very lucky with my kids considering everything they have been through, i do count my blessings with them. But i know i am not a good mum, i'm not terrible or cruel or anything but they do lose out on alot because of me and i hate that.
better go sort tea,
take care of yourself Michael
Snugs Angee

 

[peacelovingguy]

I have been very lucky with my kids considering everything they have been through, i do count my blessings with them. But i know i am not a good mum, i'm not terrible or cruel or anything but they do lose out on a lot because of me and i hate that.

But for you - they would never have even had this chance!

And you of all people ought to know that disabilities cannot be helped. Many mothers have depression and it does not lessen the love children have.

We always want to give more to people we love - and it is hard with depression - as sometimes we cannot just always pretend all is fine.

sure its a shock for kids but they grow up and will realise one day how hard it was - they will love you all the more and we do also for trying so hard!

You are doing a lot to get better - take a course when you are up to it! I don't feel like one myself now - just cannot be bothered - but I'm not concerned with meeting new people and will take no **** either.

Well - I'll walk in looking like a deranged bank robber or something!

Or is this because I'm from Liverpool? Like you know our reputation? We steal anything? Its a lie - I'm VERY fussy about what I steal. I got principles!

Keeps the idiots at bay - but interesting people tend to be cool.

Hope the day gets better Angee!

My best wishes to you!

 

[angee]

Hiya Michael, How are things with you up in Liverpool? Has the rain hit you yet? It's starting to cloud over here! Wish i could fast forward to when they do understand my illness and appreciate everything! That would be nice! All they do now is compare life here to life with their dads!!! They spoil them when they have them! My youngest is home on saturday so i'll have a full house again. I am so mad with her dad! He has let her watch the twilight films but she's only 9 years old! Oh well such is life
Take care hun
Angee

 

[peacelovingguy]

Sure -we got rain here - and Wales looks like a dark cloud! But your brighten it up a little!

As for fast forwarding - it might seem a good idea - but NO! Imagine we had the power to fast forward life - and we chose to go ten years ahead - well - its possible some loved ones would be gone!

I saw a movie once like that - guy hates life - fasts forward - but his dad had died - and he never realised fast forwarding could see changes like that.

Your children will realise one day - and we are being more pen about depression npw - kids in school learn about it - and trust me - I think I could stand up in front of a school and tell them what its about - tell them a few stories about me - and people I know and what we have to go through!

But I'd obviously say that we got to believe in ourselves more! All that negativity we carry - the past - unkind things that happened to us - I guess it comes to a point were you know that your like animal with a thorn in its paw. I mean the pain can be that basic! At worse we feel like some wounded animal.

But we don't put down a dog with a thorn in its paw -- we remove it. And for us the thorn or thorns are things we carry. Depression is one things - a biological things - DNA for sure - chemical and electric and biological processes also. But even so - its the thoughts we carry around - the negativity towards ourselves!

If we let some of that go Angee - we will be so much better!

Of course the dads spoil them! Twilight for a 9-yr-old, well - my nephew loved Terminator aged 5 - and has grown up to be a good kid!

But - its easy to spoil a child when you have them for a few days! Living there all the time - you are not going to spoil a child because for us - we cannot give kids expectations of having anything they want!

I guess many children have so many things by the time they are 17 - that life seems hard once they have to buy these things! They will learn Angee - first flat? They will realise WE pay for electric, gas, rates, water and the food in the fridge does not magically appear there!

They will miss you then!!!! lol!!!

Take care yourself and let us know how things are going!

No holding back!

Lots of love.

"Dying is for fools" Charlie Sheen.

I'm just off to the shops - damn - no bread! Well I got a frozen brown loaf - but I like fresh bread so must dash!

Thursday - man its going to be hell out there!

I got to man up for this!

And write a shopping list.

We got Iceland - Co-op - open till late.

Iceland has no GM products in the food so that's good.

Later!

I'm feeling weak with 'the hunger' - I - must - make it - to the shops!

But no chip shop meals - I'm not paying £3.20p for a 'fish' (not named - could be anything!) that is about the size of 3 little goldfish - and likely condemned fish recycled by Triads! Truly disgusting - I hope your fish and chip shops are nice! Mine suck - I've complained at them all. Got money back - but had to endure some poor meals.

 

[angee]

Hiya Hun,

Hope you made it to the shops and got something decent to eat lol! thanks for the fish comment; gave me a good giggle! :smile:

We all have thorns, some more than others, some deeper than others, but we all suffer in on way or another. Depression weakens your strength to fight, it takes away the ability to see past the negative thoughts. Well thats how it feels to me! But for me i never learnt the right ways ect from the get go. I was abused and brought up around abuse from birth so i guess i didn't learn the right way to deal with life. My goal! No more "disassociating" from everything! Need to learn to feel again!
That's my rant over with... sorry lol!

Better go do the dishes :sad:

Take care hun
Angee

 

[angee]

I went to a crisis assessment today at the mental health unit at the local hospital with my best friend Sam, it was very strange not being the one being seen! I was an in patient a few weeks ago! It breaks my heart knowing Sam is suicidal. I am being there and supporting her in any way i can but when we were at the hospital and she was talking to the crisis team they asked her if she has any guilty feelings; things getting to her. Sam told them she had guilt about me. My heart hit the floor, i knew she had had trouble with it but not that it was still hurting her. Sam blames herself for my overdose, she thinks if she hadn't left me that afternoon it wouldn't have happened. I have tried to tell her that it would have happened no matter what; there was no stopping me. But it's not helping. Sam was the one who found me and basically saved my life. I have no idea how much it must have hurt her to find me like that and to have to keep me alive till the ambulance men came, i would be lying if i said i did! But i want to help her and i don't know how????

 

[D1979]

Wow, it really sounds like you have an awesome friend in Sam. When I attempted suicide, some friends were there for me and came over to my place to try and help me, while other friends and ex-girlfriends and others just showed that they didn't care much at all. But it sounds like Sam is just an awesome friend and a great person. How I'd help her: I'd just tell her how much you love her, how much she means to you, and how you could never bear to live without her or to see anything happen to her. What you could do since you obviously each care about each other very much is to make a "pact", that you'll protect each other from self-harm and help each other to stay alive in any way you can.

 

[angee]

Hi D1979,
I like the idea of the pact! Thank you! Sam has been amazing and has saved me more times than she knows and she knows of quite a few! I lost my best friend when i overdosed and my family, the ones who knew, have been distant too. I had only met Sam a month or so before my overdose but through everything we have been through and how similar we are we have become best friends. I will keep reminding her how important she is to me x

 

[peacelovingguy]

A pact is a brilliant thing - so they are a bit like a sponsor on the AA or NA - someone who can talk to you.

And if they are already a friend its ideal.

I guess a female friend is ideal for you- but to be honest - I have a sponsor who is a women - and its works better for me as I'd NEVER say anything to another man - apart from here.

Its not going to be ideal for every man either to have a female sponsor - but I can handle the dynamics and get along great really. Anyhow Angee - your mate sounds really nice - women are good at emotions - men just go the pub with suicidal hearts and talk about football.

Not me though.

See you later - keep in touch!

Hope your kids are behaving!

 

[angee]

Thaks hun, yeah Sam has become a very close friend, i am lucky! Kids are all good, back to school this week yay!!! How are you?
x