My own worst enemy.

[legendary.sunshine]

I don't know what to do anymore...someone please, choose for me? No, I wouldn't listen to it if you did anyways.

I have come to find myself in quite a predicament...And i truly believe I am beyond help....

At this point in life.. I feel as though its all just purgatory..a big waiting game.

You all can't help me, doctors cant help me... they can only contain me, stop me from myself...

I'm uncertain about what to do... I eventually will have to kill my family..to spare them the shame of having raised me, to spare them the criticism of the media for having been so god damned oblivious.

I go through each day knowing that this day is growing closer... the day when I will wreak my own havok on life. I really dont have a point, a reason to do it.... honestly, it just sounds fun, like a good idea.

I could have been so much more. Its far too late now... theres no turning back.

Say, even if i did get "better"..life was good, who can forgive my thoughts? my plans? I will always be "sick"....I will always be the one who once planned to massacre society and her own family. Theres no forgetting that type of thing.... I am so sick of me.

I do though, I feel a little bad for having to kill my family. They don't deserve it... yes they do... no...I don't know.... they don't really, I've never been beaten or abused by them... all they do is "care for me" and "love me" and all that bull. And yet, all I do is use them... I'm like a fucking parasite...and I lie..so much, every night after my mother drops me off at home... after i leave their house..when I say "I love you"... I don't mean it.... those 3 words are the most manipulative words known to man. That's fucking sick. I hate me so much. So SO SO SO SO much.

I WISH I had the balls to off myself before I kill everyone else... but I'm hellbent on my destruction....
That is the only reason I havent killed myself yet... I want to take more with me.....

I've thought about getting into a hospital..but they'd boot me out of any program for being resistant to treatment. I dont want to get better...I just want to die..

 

[Bostonensis]

I don't know what to do anymore...someone please, choose for me? No, I wouldn't listen to it if you did anyways.

I have come to find myself in quite a predicament...And i truly believe I am beyond help....

At this point in life.. I feel as though its all just purgatory..a big waiting game.

You all can't help me, doctors cant help me... they can only contain me, stop me from myself...

I'm uncertain about what to do... I eventually will have to kill my family..to spare them the shame of having raised me, to spare them the criticism of the media for having been so god damned oblivious.

I go through each day knowing that this day is growing closer... the day when I will wreak my own havok on life. I really dont have a point, a reason to do it.... honestly, it just sounds fun, like a good idea.

I could have been so much more. Its far too late now... theres no turning back.

Say, even if i did get "better"..life was good, who can forgive my thoughts? my plans? I will always be "sick"....I will always be the one who once planned to massacre society and her own family. Theres no forgetting that type of thing.... I am so sick of me.

I do though, I feel a little bad for having to kill my family. They don't deserve it... yes they do... no...I don't know.... they don't really, I've never been beaten or abused by them... all they do is "care for me" and "love me" and all that bull. And yet, all I do is use them... I'm like a fucking parasite...and I lie..so much, every night after my mother drops me off at home... after i leave their house..when I say "I love you"... I don't mean it.... those 3 words are the most manipulative words known to man. That's fucking sick. I hate me so much. So SO SO SO SO much.

I WISH I had the balls to off myself before I kill everyone else... but I'm hellbent on my destruction....
That is the only reason I havent killed myself yet... I want to take more with me.....

I've thought about getting into a hospital..but they'd boot me out of any program for being resistant to treatment. I dont want to get better...I just want to die..

Sunshine,
I was beem homicidal before. not my family but the legal system that was choking me with injustice. Believe me ,I have them all planned out. But
I come to a realization that this is what they want me to do so I will be executed. The thought of my son & my family resurface over & over again.
I come to beg of you to seek help . It is not fair for you to deprived yourself with every help there is out there. It might contain you yet it will give a chance to think things over.
You are so honest,that speaks a lot about you. I can tell that your mother will listen & understand the horror inside you. Please come to them & tell them exactly what you say in this board. You will be surprised how much love will come out ,out of their heart. Allow them to love you. We are not in a position to end somebody' else's life. Come to think the pain you will induce to yourself & the people who loves you & your family.The domino effects don't end there it will be embedded in the psyche of history.
The more stigmatization we will go through. brb
In every man there is always a kindness hidden in their heart_ you included.
my father