I don't know what to do anymore...someone please, choose for me? No, I wouldn't listen to it if you did anyways. I have come to find myself in quite a predicament...And i truly believe I am beyond help.... At this point in life.. I feel as though its all just purgatory..a big waiting game. You all can't help me, doctors cant help me... they can only contain me, stop me from myself... I'm uncertain about what to do... I eventually will have to kill my family..to spare them the shame of having raised me, to spare them the criticism of the media for having been so god damned oblivious. I go through each day knowing that this day is growing closer... the day when I will wreak my own havok on life. I really dont have a point, a reason to do it.... honestly, it just sounds fun, like a good idea. I could have been so much more. Its far too late now... theres no turning back. Say, even if i did get "better"..life was good, who can forgive my thoughts? my plans? I will always be "sick"....I will always be the one who once planned to massacre society and her own family. Theres no forgetting that type of thing.... I am so sick of me. I do though, I feel a little bad for having to kill my family. They don't deserve it... yes they do... no...I don't know.... they don't really, I've never been beaten or abused by them... all they do is "care for me" and "love me" and all that bull. And yet, all I do is use them... I'm like a fucking parasite...and I lie..so much, every night after my mother drops me off at home... after i leave their house..when I say "I love you"... I don't mean it.... those 3 words are the most manipulative words known to man. That's fucking sick. I hate me so much. So SO SO SO SO much. I WISH I had the balls to off myself before I kill everyone else... but I'm hellbent on my destruction.... That is the only reason I havent killed myself yet... I want to take more with me..... I've thought about getting into a hospital..but they'd boot me out of any program for being resistant to treatment. I dont want to get better...I just want to die..