my own worst enemy

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by sha8811, Dec 14, 2011.

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  1. sha8811

    sha8811 Guest

    I want to stop being afraid. But the darkness overcomes me so quickly. Every little thing gets under my skin. Every word they say. Every order they bark. Every question they ask. I just want to pack my things and leave. And never, ever come back. I know they raised me, I know they support me financially, I know they worry about me. But there is nothing that I want from them anymore. I need freedom. I need life. I need to feel something.
    The only thing holding me back, is myself.
    I want to leave and everyday I say I will. But then I don’t. And another day passes. And I don’t again. It becomes a pattern. Then the cold, stiff air that greets me when I finally muster the strength to leave the door hits me hard. I get in the car, turn the ignition, feel the power within me. I turn right, I always turn right. Go around the block. And then turn left, always turn left. It leads me right back to this prison. I need to get out of the neighborhood. Out of the city. Out of the area. But I am so scared. What is it exactly that I’m scared of? The only thing that lies beyond the limits is the rest of my life. Opportunities to be on my own. Opportunities to be accepted. Opportunities to be anything more than the nothingness I am right now.
    I have dreams, or I had them. I had a future planned. I had things laid out. But it all failed. Then I just gave up. I slept all day. Stayed up all night chasing my racing mind. I wondered why I am the way I am. Why God created me, if all he was going to do was make me torturous and self-loathing when I needed strength the most.
    I just need to find something worth crossing that barrier for. I know there is so much more to life than what I have right now. I know I deserve more than this.

    Sorry for the rant, I'm new here and I just needed to get that off my chest.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your right hun when you can get that job you can get freedom to move out and live you life hun the way you want too i hope you cross that barrier soon
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