I live in Cincinnati. It is a small town where everybody knows and talks about everybody. I know something is wrong with me on the inside and Im afraid to seek help. I don't want people thinking Im crazy and weak because I have a mental illness. I dont know for sure whats wrong but something is. I have symptoms like indecisiveness, It takes a great amount of energy and convincing myself to do simple things like cleaning and mowing the lawn, Ive been antisocial for the past year and lost all of my friends and greatly damaged family relationships, Ive planned and acquired the means for suicide extensively, I don't have interest in things I used to enjoy, I haven't had a job since Sept of last year and I honestly cant motivate myself to do anything like school or even plan for the future, I have strong feelings of regret and self hatred because of my poor self esteem, sometimes I sleep from 9pm until 1pm or 4am until 9am the hours varies but they arent consistent, somedays I cry for an hour others I cant seem to cry at all and sometimes a few tears randomly fall, I stay in my room all day afraid of the world and how they will judge me, I miss the past so much I relive old memories in my head all the time and I cant move forward, I dont take showers everyday maybe every 4-5 days once every week, sometimes If I see something funny on T.V I laugh but its weird because I return right to being sad after those seconds pass, I attempted suicide in november of last year but was scared to go thru with it, I hate looking in the mirror and when I occasionally glance at myself I think what a failure or ugly piece of shit I am, I threw all my clothes away except for a few things to wear around the house and ripped my birth certificate and SS card up out of pure spite for myself, Im ashamed of myself and I find it hard to even look my mom in the eye when she talks to me, I wear a hoody outside if I have to take the trash out or mow grass no matter how hot it is, I cant forgive myself for poor choices Ive made through out my life (Im 21), I have no motivation, dreams,hopes,plans nothing, I hate sunny days but enjoy rainy ones, I think about death and suicide A LOT unless I distract myself with T.V which doesnt help because of the sheer number of times they mention suicide or death in damn near all programs, I was 130 pounds last year in august now im near 200 about 194 or 195, I watch porn almost everyday as another distraction method but even now thats starting not to work because of impotence, I used to be addicted to weed as a coping method but eventually that even stopped working. I think I listed everything but I dont want help because once you are listed as mentally unstable you lose a LOT. I dont want to be 51-50'd. I have never told anyone about my suicide plans because I want to carry them out. and dont give me any bullshit cliches like "it gets better" It can also get WORSE and most likely it will when my mom grows tired of me and makes me homeless. Dont tell me "other have it much worse in 3rd world countries" because It makes absolutely NO sense for me to be happy at others misfortune and it wont alleviate my pain. I just want someone who feels similar to tell me what they are doing to keep from suicide because my patience and perseverance are growing thin.