My Pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dan888, Oct 14, 2007.

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  1. Dan888

    Dan888 Member

    My mother passed away suddenly about 4 months ago. I was cruel and selfish before her death. I failed her as a son. I failed as a human being. I have so much guilt and regret now. It is too much to bear. I try to suppress the feelings, but just about anything I see or hear vaguely related to her or her death can trigger them.

    I have fantasies of suicide, but have somehow managed to rationalize that there might be a heaven, so I shouldn't kill myself if I want to go there, and have the chance to see my mother again. Instead I wish for a heroic death... Perhaps rescuing another person from danger, or dying a martyr against injustice, something that might bring me some sort of redemption... though I do not know if my sins can ever be forgiven.

    I have isolated myself from friends and family. I find it difficult to talk to them, we have never been emotionally open, and I do not wish to burden them with my pain. When I have no choice but to see them, I put on a brave face, but it is very tiring.

    I keep my mind away from the things that trigger my sorrow. I watch lots of TV, play video games, and sleep a lot. Only leaving the house to go to classes at unversity.

    I feel so alone, I guess that's why I'm posting this. I guess I hope there are some people here who can understand and relate to what I am going through.
  2. Ronnoc3

    Ronnoc3 Active Member

    I think that i see your point on suicide, wanting to die a someone and going to heaven rather then a nobody and going to hell. If you belive in heaven then maybe try live a life your mother would be proud of in the hpe that you may see her again. I can't really relate to this my self but i understand what you are saying quite well.
  3. John_H

    John_H Member

    I'm so sorry for your pain and guilt, something I think most of us share. I didn't go round and see my beloved Grandad much before he suddenly died, and who had co-raised me with my equally wonderful grandma.

    But as for ending it all, you know what your mum will be saying to you right now, don't you? Not that even those thoughts prevent most of us feeling as we do regularly.

    I empathise with wanting to be dead but also wanting to live, almost like being in no-man's land?
    All I can say is try to hang on, even vent your anger and pain here and elsewhere if it helps after a few beers? :wink:
  4. Dan888

    Dan888 Member

    Thanks for listening guys.
  5. seishou

    seishou Guest

    I can relate on so many points(altho my mother didn't pass away, a member of my family who I was even closer to did), I also put on a mask whenever I'm with my family, I usually just leave house for classes/work, I watch TV/Anime and play videogames to escape reality, when I have time off I sleep when I can and last but not least I don't kill myself because I fear what comes after. I'm not a christian(sp?), but I do believe what comes after, will not reward a suicide(that probably sounds retarded, ah well). And I wish for a death where I do something heroic.

    Naturally my "choice" of life leaves me lonely like you. I've isolated me from my friends etc.. I can relate to how you feel about your mothers death as well. Not too long ago my grandmother died, I had a much closer relationship to her than I had with my own mother. Yet I too was a selfish idiot, sure I visited her at the hospital, but there came a time when we all pretty much knew when she was dying. And at that time, I prioritized selfish things over actually visiting her. There was other stuff as well of course, that happened. but I really don't want to mention them here. It should be enough to say that in a similar way to you, I'm trying not to trigger it. But not a day goes by where I don't think about the sins I've commited, and how I can make up for them. I also want to apologize for so many things.

    I don't know if it's exactly how you feel, but know that you're definantly not alone. It's really hard though, really hard
  6. Dan888

    Dan888 Member

    I could have prevented my mother's death if I had not been so selfish... the details are too painful, so I won't get into them.

    I treated her so badly before she died... I can never forgive myself for that. I deserve to suffer. I ask myself how I can find redemption, but the best answers I can come up with are like trying to break a concrete wall by throwing sand.

    There are some dreams that I have that give me some hope, but they really seem so difficult to obtain, and it is so difficult to concentrate, to motivate myself. Every negative in life is focussed on, magnified, woven into the fabric of my tormented psyche. The weight of everything crushes me.

    I wish I could live in a beautiful dream. I see an autumn sunset on a calm lake, surrounded by trees... I see vibrant lights from millions of swirling stars, painting the universe... There is nothing to worry about, no more guilt, no more regret, no more sadness, just peace and beauty.
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