My mother passed away suddenly about 4 months ago. I was cruel and selfish before her death. I failed her as a son. I failed as a human being. I have so much guilt and regret now. It is too much to bear. I try to suppress the feelings, but just about anything I see or hear vaguely related to her or her death can trigger them. I have fantasies of suicide, but have somehow managed to rationalize that there might be a heaven, so I shouldn't kill myself if I want to go there, and have the chance to see my mother again. Instead I wish for a heroic death... Perhaps rescuing another person from danger, or dying a martyr against injustice, something that might bring me some sort of redemption... though I do not know if my sins can ever be forgiven. I have isolated myself from friends and family. I find it difficult to talk to them, we have never been emotionally open, and I do not wish to burden them with my pain. When I have no choice but to see them, I put on a brave face, but it is very tiring. I keep my mind away from the things that trigger my sorrow. I watch lots of TV, play video games, and sleep a lot. Only leaving the house to go to classes at unversity. I feel so alone, I guess that's why I'm posting this. I guess I hope there are some people here who can understand and relate to what I am going through.