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My parents have messed me up

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by JonathanK, Sep 29, 2009.

  1. JonathanK

    JonathanK Well-Known Member

    I suppose they're well meaning, but after a point it gets kind of old. They've always been over-protective of me, but I realize that I have really bad social skills. When I talk to people, I've noticed that I have a habit of sending confusing signals. It all has to do with the fact that they've always averted their selves from people and expected me to do the same. I mean, its almost to the point of paranoia for them. I remember, my dad used to think people were following him, when in reality they probably just happened to be going in the same direction, and he would turn the car off of a side road real fast to loose them. its nerve racking, and its just not fucking normal.

    I mean, my parents were the kind of dumb fucks that thought that everything in the world was out there to harm their children. Their paranoid perception of the world was probably shaped more by the news and their Christian, conservative values than anything else. I remember when I was 13, I was walking home with some kids, and didn't get home till an hour later than I normally got home, and my mom was all worried about me. I mean, I was a little too big to be snatched into a car in broad daylight or to be lured with candy. They've always had the amazing ability to embarass me around my peers. They also gave me all the bullshit about waiting till marriage to have sex and scared me about STD's and pregnancy. I even got a talk when I was 13 about the evils of masturbation. Its not motherfucking normal god damn it. I mean, I still live with my parents at 20, and, more than ever, I avoid people. Its not really that I want to. Its just I have a phobia of how others perceive me and have a severe awkwardness.

    I've just developed a horrible phobia of social settings. Recently, I was at an acquaintances friends house , and I was just staying quiet, and getting bombarded with a whole lot of questions by the group of 6 people that were there. I was the new comer, so I had to prove myself to everyone else. I just stayed mostly quiet, and just started to clam up when I felt I was being tested. They were making perverted jokes about different things like bestiality and such, ultimately to see how I would react. I was so self conscious that I didn't really know how to respond and just looked nervous. They also asked me about my sexual orientation and sex life at one point and all sorts of personal things, and I just clammed up. While I was in a state of retreat, they started talking amongst their selves about me, as if I wasn't there in the room, and said things like "Do you think this guy is a freak or a weirdo?" and "this guy is pretty dumb" and other stuff like that. Because I don't have a girlfriend, people automatically think I'm la pervert or an in the closet gay. It pisses me off. They don't know me and think they understand everything about psychology but they don't. Perhaps it was just my lack of facial expression too. I don't know. It was like the 7th layer of hell. They, in a way, apologized and gave me a second chance to hang out again, but I really wanna just stay the fuck away from them.

    Another time when I was 20, I went on a hiking trip with some friends. I was in a canyon for a day, and when I got back up, I had a ton of text messages in my inbox and several voice messages. I gave a call back to my parents and they were like, "Oh we prayed for you. We thought you died Its a miracle youre alive, blah blah blah blah". I was on the phone witht hem for 20 minutes in Dennys and my friends were looking at me in an odd way. I sat down, and one of them said, They're being really parental". I just said, bluntly, "yah". They deove me back to my house, and my parents greeted them as they helped me carry my stuff inside. I was just sort of embarassed by how they blatantly showed how dependant I was on them. I waved goodbye to them, and after that our friendship sort of fell off, because I was too embarrassed to really call them back.

    I feel like Ive developed an unhealthy dependency. They make me feel as if I can't live without them. I've told them that I've thought about moving out on more than one occasion, but they have a long talk with me every time about how I probably wont make it on my own and I should just live on the property with them. I'm currently unemployed and taking some classes at a local college that I'm not passionate about whatsoever.
    They have a tendency to over react about things and such. One time my mom caught me talking to myself from the other room. I was saying things like, "You stupid motherfucker.. I hate you. I hate you", referring to myself. My mom asked me if I was talking to myself and if anything was bugging me. I just said, "no". When I did make an effort to tell them how depressed I was, my mom said I had nothing to complain about and how she had it som much harder at my age. It really gets on my nerves. I don't get out hardly without my parents, and I just feel weird. I feel fucking weird. Its not healthy. They're too posessive.

    They're fucking morons. I hate them. They moved 2000 miles away from where I lived my whole life my senior year and its only gotten worst since then. I lost my life long social contacts, such as my friends from kindergarten and my other siblings. There was a girl from high school I got a hold of on facebook, who said was really into me. I was into her too, but I was too afraid of unwanted pregnancy and the perceived inefficacy of condemns to really date anyone. Plus, I had too low of self esteem to ask anyone out. Anyway, I talked to her online and told my Dad about it, and he said that he was suspicious of it and that she just wanted something from me and told me about how sex clouds judgement. I really didn't have the money to go out there and date her, so I'm stuck here. I feel isolated and pathetic.

    They facilitated this overall lack of street smarts in me, and, as a result, think or know I can't handle the world on my own. My dad has even had the nerve to say, on numerous occasions, that he feels he was overprotective of me. Well, no shit you dumb fuck.

    It gets even uglier than this. I found out from my sister that he molested my older sister once when she was 16 and that he beat my brother with a stick when he was 14. I suppose he had a hidden alcohol problem at the time. I'm of course his kid, so he hasn't really abused me in any physical way. Those are his step children, so he felt different about it I guess. He's seems a lot friendlier now than he was back then. He's more lax with me now that I'm 22. I mean he let me take the car to my acquaintances friend's house that one time I had that disconcerting experience. He's even paying for my college. Like I said, he always kept a close eye on me when I was younger though to the point of not developing social skills though. He even made a point of criticizing the value of building social skills one time, I feel bizarre and really weird. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. To be honest, I really don't like the man. He's a pathetic excuse for a human being. I can't get past the whole molestation thing. Fucking bastard...

    They say I don't have problems. I do have problems, and none of it is normal.

    I really hate myself too for being so weak. I've distanced myself from having a potentially good relationship with a girl I really liked. I hate myself. Its like I don't even feel like getting out of bed anymore. I just want to go to bed and not wake up to avoid the dissonance in my life. I can't handle it any longer.

    I hate how the cock sucker holds it over my head. He was drunk one time at my uncles, and he talked to my cousin on the phone and said, "my son needs to get laid".

    The Fucker!

    He pays his bills, he works a full job, he seems like a decent person to many, but I hate him. I fucking hate him.

    I should have been more rebellious as a kid. I wasn't, and I just feel like a weak specimen as a result.

    I appreciate anyone that's taken the time to listen. I have a lot of feelings bottled up inside.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Jonathan,

    I've read your whole post, I can see the anger and frustration by your words.
    I can relate to a lot of what you said.
    Your parents sound like they almost care too much, they're so scared that something bad will happen to you. Perhaps your dad is scared because he did something bad to your step sister when she was younger. He knows how people can do things like that :(

    I think counselling could help you hun, might be something to look in to!
    I can't really offer you any advice, but know that I have read it and I feel you pain
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey yeh parents can mess up kids they just don't realize they are doing it. Your 20 maybe think about moving out in your own place. Get a part time job any job that will bring you in money and get out. Time to show them you are independent and you don't need their protection. College is a great start move into a dorm get away from them. I am glad you could vent your anger and pain here. Keep venting it get it out and move on now. Get out of the environment you are in so you can grow sociable so you can find yourself.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I hope you can find a way to get out from under your parents' roof. You're an adult, and they have no right to try and control what you do or don't do now.

    Those people you hung out with sound like jerks. I don't think I'd want to get together with them again either!

    You're not a weak person. They've just pushed you down to the point where you see yourself as weak. But I think you could make it on your own, and you deserve the chance to try.

    I'm glad you posted here. You don't have to keep things all bottled up inside.
  5. JonathanK

    JonathanK Well-Known Member

    Yah, I need to get me a job. My friends from highschool's gonna move out from Oklahoma. We were talking about co-paying on an apartment. It would be a good thing.
  6. JonathanK

    JonathanK Well-Known Member

    Thanks for taking the time to read. That actually looks like an accurate assessment. They don't really know they're doing harm and probably do have all the best intentions in the world. She's not my stepsister though. She's my half sister. I should have clarified that.
  7. JonathanK

    JonathanK Well-Known Member

    Oh, thank you Wild Cherry. Yah, I shouldn't beat myself up and think of myself as weak. That's not gonna get me anywhere.
  8. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I can certainly understand your feelings. Is there a way you can move back to the old place you used to live and get a job there? Maybe stay with some old friends? Those people you were hanging around are stupid, stay away from them. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone. Definitely, get away from your parents. They don't mean to, but they're mindfucking you by constantly reminding you on how dependent you are of them. That's how they keep you there. Get out while you can.
  9. Stormhand

    Stormhand Well-Known Member

    Hey Jon, I can relate to you man, on account of my seizures my mom always kept hawkeye on me to see if I was ok..
    It was around 4 years today that I finally moved out, the lease was running out soon so I took my chance, the key is just showing yourself you can do it alone, your parents sound like a lost cause to even try yo prove that you can cause in their minds they always want you to need them, my mom was the same way.

    I may not be able to do as much as most ppl who don't have disabilities, but I try to find a way to improvise.

    Your college classes, good start, you may not like the classes, but get a good job, save money get your own place, and down the road you can even try to save some money and take more classes, but something you really like.

    When it comes to ppl though, really you just have to find a good crowd that would accept you for who you are, I know it can be hard, but the effort will prove worth it later when you do find ppl you can trust.

    As to your little social problem, I would say look into some counseling, and talking to someone about your problems does not make any one person nuts, from expierience I can tell you holding it all in can really screw a person up, it does take time, I have been getting counseling for over 4 years now and its not cured, but talking does help, for me atleast, so I would try to find someone you can confide in or maybe a public or free couseling service.

    Just hold in there, I know you can do it.

  10. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    When I was 41, I realized my belief system was things my parents and grandparents told me, and the conclusions I had drawn as a child.

    When I was 41, I realized I can examine it with my adult mind and write my own belief system. Upon doing so, some of what they told me as a child I agreed with and some I didn't agree with. This gave me a backbone to operate from.

    You can get a job and simply move. You don't have to talk to them about it, then you won't get the constant lectures. When you have the resources, simply move. You don't have to have their permission, approval, or acceptance.

    If they are angry about it, they will get over it. I always have a hard time with other peoples anger, but I've learned I need to take care of myself or I get worse.