This is very hard for me. I had a difficult childhood and most of my adulthood I have suffered from severe depression and and anxiety. I have been going over my past and my relation to my parents, especially my mother. I was bullied through the whole of elementary school. The other children were very cruel and I suffered from recurring nightmares and suicidal thoughts. Later on my mother fell sick and was in a catatonic and psychotic state for a year before being institutionalized for several years. My father was always absent, even when he was home he was glued to the tv. Going through school was hard because I got no support at home from them. I can remember constantly being shouted at and being a huge disappointment to them. When my mom fell ill that was all the my dad cared about, I was depressed too but my pain was just a constant nuisance to them. I felt completely worthless. Later on I moved out and met my first girlfriend, it was at a secondary school where we both stayed at the dormitory. We lived at my parents house for a while after graduating. Somehow I thought then that I would get accepted when I returned home and had made something of myself (which hadn't seemed very likely before). To my horror I realized that everything was worse at home. Mom wasn't in the hospital anymore but wasn't well. My dad was constantly telling me I'm a worthless, lazy piece of shit and that I'm using this lovely girl (she liked to weed the garden outside while I liked to play videogames). Apparently my moms sickness was all my fault because sometimes we would argue with the girlfriend. The pinnacle was when my mom tried to commit suicide and my dad rang me and said: "I hope you're satisfied now". That was also my fault. Later on we moved to our own place and several years went by and the dust sort of settled. I tried to talk about these things a couple of times then but wasn't able to in a productive way (there probably isn't one). I had brought the girlfriend as support, in my mothers eyes she was there just to yell at them (which she did none of). They acted as if nothing like that had happened. Like I'm insane and making it all up. Things kind of were left right there. I started to just act whenever around there, pretending everything is fine and dandy. I couldn't trust them, never could but at least things seemed semi normal. Things ended with the girlfriend and I moved out of town. I was in a bad way and couldn't handle the loss. I started drinking a lot, actually I had started almost a year before that but now things spun out of control. I ended up in a rehab, almost ended my own life then. Surprisingly they phoned me several times a week after I got home, said they were so worried. For a short while (the first time in my life I think) it felt like they cared about my well being. It didn't last though and soon it was back to how it was before. I had a really tough time last summer with my current girlfriend. We had a crisis and she was out of control violent, threatening to take her own life and mine as well (plus people I knew). I called my parents to help out but to my great horror once again I found them just siding with her and dishing out some nasty remarks to me. Apparently I was the great horrible douchebag again. I was in serious need of help and support but they completely ignored that. It tore up all the old wounds in me and all the resentment and anger I had harboured came back. Towards the end of the year I was drinking heavily again and ended up going to their house and yelling and screaming like crazy at them. I went to rehab again after that but the bitterness was consuming me. I called them to the rehab to talk, hoping I could calmly explain my feelings but never got them to listen. They just pretended that they didn't understand anything. It's so hard I have many times questioned my own sanity. I'm going to AA now and staying sober, trying to accept that I will never straighten anything out with them. My mother likes to change all the things about reality she doesn't like. A painful memory? No problem never happened. Something uncomfortable? Didn't exist. She has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia (I have seen the paper with my own eyes), this of course according to her is not true. She was never sick or anything, they never were cold or abusive towards me, never took out all the shit they couldn't handle on me. When I've tried to tell them I am making everything up. What's really hard is she is very good at manipulating people, she has convinced people around her that she is caring and warm individual. At the same time she is ice cold and judgemental of people, sometimes she blabs about other people to me (people I barely know) and the level of contempt and hatred in her speech is astounding. Makes me really wonder what she tells people about me. I feel like I'm not making any sense now hah, lost the train of thought. I'll have to comeback and write some more later.