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My past is haunting me... :(

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by fleurxx, Aug 12, 2013.

  1. fleurxx

    fleurxx New Member

    I really need advice on what to do in my current situation. I feel so depressed, like my life is going nowhere, and I have this huge burden of guilt from lying to people about my past.

    I'm a 24 year old girl in grad school to become a teacher. But the problem is, I have a job history that doesn't mesh with teaching elementary school kids. I was a stripper for two years, from 2010-2012, and even though I no longer do that kind of work and I've bettered my life in many ways, it still haunts me every day. I feel guilty, dirty, and like a fraud for hiding this fact and pursuing teaching. Plus I feel alone, because it's a secret I don't share with many people I meet, and as a result I have a hard time developing close relationships. To be honest, teaching elementary school was an idea that my boyfriend pushed on me (after I failed at a number of other careers), and now I'm tens of thousands of dollars in debt from going to grad school. Now I'm terrified of becoming a teacher and being rejected or fired due to my past.

    I keep telling him (and others) how I feel, but they always tell me it's okay, don't worry about it, employers don't really care or won't find out. On the other hand, I've read countless stories about teachers being fired for working in the sex industry on the side, or in the past. Even if I didn't get caught by an administrator, I feel guilty for hiding my past from potential friends for fear that they'll "out" me. I've trusted people before, and have been outed more than once against my will.

    And there's the issue of living a lie. I don't like not being able to talk about it. It's like a trauma that happened and I can't get it off my chest. Everything is a secret.

    So now I'm in the last semester of student teaching and I have to go to an elementary school every day, 40 hours a week, and work directly with kids and teachers. I feel like a fraud. Last week I started having panic attacks from the stress, and it made me realize how much this was affecting me.

    Last night I finally told my boyfriend how I was feeling, that I've thought many times about cutting my wrists in the kitchen and just escaping the stupid endless circle I've been going through for years. He finally seemed to understand my level of stress, and started taking it seriously. But he's been upset today, and I know it's hard for him to deal with all of my issues...

    Sorry this is such a rambling post. Anyway, I guess I kind of need advice. Should I finish out my degree, even if it means getting into even more debt (a $10,000 loan for this semester) and hating life for the next few months? Would I be able to use a Master's of Education for a different field where I could be outed as a former stripper, and not fired? What should I do to help my boyfriend be less upset with me?

    Any thoughts at all would be genuinely appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this... <3
  2. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    In a democratic society that we are supposed to be, a person should be able to move from a bad career to a good career as long he or she has repented, and promises to society that he wil not go back to old ways. Talk to a clergyman who is really spiritual. He will help you to get your sins pardoned. (If you are a Hindu, visit the local ISKCON temple and talk to the priest there.) This will lift burden from your soul. It will help you emotionally. I too once had a past that I never disclosed to anyone. Bu the authorities know that I left the road I was on. I stared a new career and was very successful. But I had to go overseas. Locally they gave me trouble once they found my past.

    I think you should become a teacher and then you may have to move to Europe or Canada where they will not easily trace your past. Then build your teaching career. Once you have a few years of teaching experience, the past will hurt you less because you will have proved that you really abandoned the past.

    100 years ago people used to move to a new city to start a new life. These days because of Internet and what not not, it is difficult. One has to go to a new country these days.
  3. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    One easy way to erase the past is to change one's name legally. It is very easy. Just go to local county office and pay a smal fee and get a "Change of Name" certificate. Then you can apply for drivers license, passport etc in the new name. Then use the new name for job search as a teacher.

    You can do this after you get your degree.

    do not give up on teaching career due to some fear. Let us overcome all difficulties to win victory. Let us have faith that victory will be ours.

    I have read that even very rich or important people change their names.
  4. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    Dont tell anyone except for very close friend or relative about your past. Telling others is only going to hurt you. The world is very cruel. Most people like to either ignore other's problems or laugh at them. I talked about own past above just to give you moral support. I normally do not talk about it. Even my adult children do not know about it. But my wife knows. You have to tell your secrets to someone unless you are so strong that you can keep it to yourself. But I hope you have not used you real name on this site. It is wise to just use a psuedo name on websites or public forums.
  5. fleurxx

    fleurxx New Member

    Thank you for the replies! Don't worry, this isn't my real name. :) And thank you for sharing a piece of your story... that gives me hope.

    I've thought about teaching in other countries, like teaching English in Asia, for example. Right now I'm in a relationship that is keeping me very close to the place where I used to work -- my boyfriend has a house that he's financially attached to, otherwise I probably would have moved by now. If we ever break up, I'll most likely move to another state or country. I've always wanted to move abroad (!), but I'd be worried about feeling lonely or isolated. If you don't mind me asking, was it hard for you to move? Did you feel lonely, or miss your old home?

    I think I needed to hear that. Only a few of my closest friends know, and I've never told anyone in my family. Guess that's just the way it has to be.

    Today at student teaching, I kept trying to put my feelings into perspective, and to think more positively. I get the feeling this is something I'll struggle with for a long time...
  6. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    Moving abroad was never easy. Luckily I had married a woman and her companionship and support gave me courage to move abroad. She supported me in all my moves, from USA to abroad, and from abroad to USA and so on.

    For a man it is not hard to move abroad alone, but for a woman it is more difficult. I know that many single nurses move from USA to Saudi Arabia and they have no problems if the hospital they go to is large and reputable. The same goes for teachers. I know that American ladies can do anything that a man can do. I am not trying to put women down.

    Still my advice to you is to not give up on your teaching career. Giving up is for weaklings. And we are not weaklings!!!!
  7. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    It is wrong to think that because you do not your secret with someone, you cannot become close to that person. You should never tell your secrets to anyone except for very very very close friend.
    You can become my friend without me knowing all your secrets. If you past haunts you, go to church (or ISKCON temple), talk to a priest and let him or her bless you and pardon your sins. The main thing is to overcome your own disgust with your past. If I was a priest, I would pardon you and declare you a clean, holy person !!!!

    The old Indian writer Chanakya says that one should not tell one's secrets to ordinary friends because one day they may stop being your friend and then they will divulge your secrets.