My past

[Amelia85]

Hello everyone. It's my first time being here and it's also my first time talking to anyone about this. I just really don't know what to do because there's really no one I can talk to about this. My family does not know how to actually help me with the trauma and I'm too ashamed to tell my friends about what happened to me. I feel so alone with this and keeping this all to myself is really taking its toll.

My nightmares are getting worse. My relationship with my family is suffering. And I've been seriously contemplating suicide for a while now. I've even planned it all out. I know no one will notice if I were gone. I tried hiding out in my room for a week and no one came to check on me. That alone scared me. That no one really cared or took my depression seriously.

I honestly don't know what to do. I want to live but I can't bear it anymore.

I don't have a job. I get really nervous and anxious if I go out in public. I'm dependent on my family who have their own problems to deal with and can't deal with mine. I also live in a culture where depression is not considered serious and it can be solved if we put our minds to it. Because of that, I haven't been seen any professionals for this nor have I taken any medication. This is my last hope. I just need someone to talk to. Anyone at all.

 

[dazzle11215]

welcome!
i'm glad you found us. do you want to write more about what happened?
i'm happy to listen

c

 

[Amelia85]

It's funny because I was actually researching ways to die. But I found this site instead. It gave me hope. It's a little hard to describe what happened. I don't remember how old i was when it happened. Maybe I was 7 or 8. I was good friends with a boy neighbor who was younger than me. I used to go to his house and play with him. His dad was home that day and hung around in the living room while we played a videogame. He called me over and told me to sit on his lap because he wanted to tell me a secret. I don't remember what he was talking about but he he started speaking and touching me. I do remember staring at my friend in front of me who kept playing that videogame without a clue.

At that time I had no idea what he was doing or why he was putting his fingers there. I thought nothing of it because it didn't really hurt or anything. It kept happening everytime I came over and most of the time he'd give me treats and tell me I was a good girl. The last time I came over he and I were alone and he raped me. It didn't really sink in to me until later that what he did was not normal and that even though he did not penetrate me rubbing himself on me was still rape.

Something also happened in highschool but I don't want to talk about that right now. I just keep having nightmares about what happened with him and I just want it to stop.

 

[Julia-C]

Unfortunately in my experience it will get worse before it gets better. Talking about it is pretty much the only way to get this stuff off your mind so you can feel peace. Always feel free to talk about your experiences and emotions here. If you don't feel comfortable talking about them openly on the forum you can always send me a PM.

I am so sorry this happened to you and I am so sorry that you feel alone in your experience and home. I ensure you that you aren't alone and that people care. I don't have to know you to care about you. :hug: to you

 

[dazzle11215]

i'm sorry you were hurt in such a terrible way. my heart goes out to you.
a therapist would def. help you start to heal. but i'm getting the feeling that it might not be an option right now.
you might want to look for the book "the courage to heal" you can get it at your local library or from amazon (lots of used copies, cheap). the book is for survivors of sexual abuse and has really helped me a lot.
in the meantime, keep sharing. it will help to get it all out.

 

[Amelia85]

I'm a little wary of any shows of kindness and I'm still learning to trust and accept them. Thank you for you offer. I might try talking to some people privately about some things. It's just a little hard right now. But more than anything I really do need a friend who can distract me from these thoughts and someone who can keep me from destroying everything around me.

 

[Moon_Penguin]

welcome to the site, im sorry to hear everything thats happened to you. i wish i could only be with you can help you through this. everything will get better, you just need to hold on. everyone on here will help you through this. im glad you found us. if you want someone to talk to you can pm me anytime.
take care x