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My perfect life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by monguinhu, Apr 30, 2013.

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  1. monguinhu

    monguinhu New Member

    Hello there...

    I was born in a not so usual family, my mother and father never really wanted me to be born in the first place I was also brought to this world facing serious illness. The physical damage is permanent and the feeling that you don't belong is still here today.
    I was raised among domestic violence (my father even broke a belt buckle on my back and my brother broke my arm just like my father broke my mother's - There've been countless visits from the police whenever things got too serious to the point where lives were at risk).
    I have two brothers (I'm the middle one). We never really had a good relationship as my father favoritized my older brother in many ways, to the point where he wanted me to be like him, and sometimes to be anything but myself.
    Since from the time I was a child I never had a single memory of my parents saying "I love you" to each other or even kissing - It was always clear that they never wanted to be together but were bound by the marriage and mostly by the children they had.
    As school years went by, many of my great friends at the time left me (they moved away). School always felt somewhat better than being at home - School wasn't even close to being great but was way better than staying at home.
    I attempeted suicide when I was 14 years old, in a chain of events that included many friends (good and average ones) moving away, rejection from a girl that I loved and extra violence at home (that was the time when my older brother broke my arm). I tried to kill myself with a knife, but as soon as it touched my neck I had a change of mind... I accepted the pain inside of me as means of motivating me to forever seek the love I never had.
    It's been 5 years since then I struggled my way to college (far away from my old home) amist the same and ever growing pain by my side.
    I found another girl,3 years ago, she's a very nice person, I fell in love with her in a night when she held my hand..In my first party at college. She's from my classroom.
    She seemed to love me, but then started to date my best friend of that time.. I cried from the bottom of my heart, but even though I wanted them to be happy and didn't wanted to ever interfere in such.. Time flew by and they broke, she's been with several guys.... Last year we were in very good terms and I decided to tell her how I felt in a party... I went to get a drink and when I got back she was kissing another guy...
    I was supposed to be living the best years of my life, in my suicidal attempt I decided to move on even without a reason to live and promised myself I would never attempt suicide again.
    I don't know what to do... I've been through volunteer work, blood donations, tried to talk to my parents, tried to look for medical assistence (but couldn't afford) I even studied a lot of psychology on my own as means of finding a way to heal myself.
    I just can't hold it... It's been a whole life of burden..I never wanted to die, I just wanted to kill this pain inside of me - but now I just can't reach any happiness and neither can I end this pain...
    I still love her and all I can hope for is to be with her,it's one of the few things that drives me foward... I wanna love her the way nobody ever did to me...
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I think it's a positive step that you've moved away from your family, because it seems they only try to bring you down.

    I know you love that girl, but it sounds like she's not ready to settle down and be with someone long-term. Are you able to be her friend for now and see where things go? From what you've said, I get the impression that if you try for anything more serious with her right now, you'll just end up getting hurt.

    Hope you'll keep posting here. :hug:
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