My Personal Ad

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Clipper, Sep 25, 2007.

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  1. Clipper

    Clipper Guest

    Found my live-in (ex-)girlfriends "personal ads" on lavalife and today...glad she has moved on, though we're still living under the same roof.

    But then I thought...what if I wrote my own personal ad...I desperately want to have someone to be around in my final days, but strongly feel I could not, in good conscience, inflict myself on someone else right now....

    Well, honesty being the best policy, I came up with a REAL ad...none of those "love to walk on the beach and go dancing" from someone who hasn't done either in friggin' decades...

    So here are my efforts...any takers?


    Tall, fat, bald, ugly, mean-looking, middle-aged suicidal woman-hating pessimist with poor hygiene and insurmountable personal problems seeks female to jump my bones and make me feel good for a few months until I die.

    Highly intelligent but anti-social loser seeks temporary relationship…physical only.

    In the past 7 years I’ve managed to destroy my marriage and my career, lose two houses and two businesses, alienate my kids and my ex-girlfriend, decimate my finances and destroy at least three business relationships.

    I have managed to invoke the full wrath of the IRS upon myself, (stolen bank accounts, leins and all) mainly because I refuse to back down to a bunch of criminal thugs who wrap themselves in the flag as they do their dirty work. But I do not have the skills and talents or patience to do the legal work necessary to defeat them (it can be done…,I have seen it!) so I sit, bloodied, unable to open a bank account, cashing checks through friends. I am a “patriot…” I believe strongly in our constitutional limitations on government and the wisdom of our founding fathers. In regards to that, I have only one question: when did the word “patriot” become something one is called in vain and contempt?

    Past glories include: early high school graduate, federal academy graduate, active US Coast Guard licenses as a ship’s captain and ship’s engineer, EMT, dive boat captain, published author. I’ve had more than my share of good luck in life and I’ve squandered it all, and hurt more people than I can count.

    Nowadays I lay around in bed as much as possible; I’ve even managed to rig my laptop computer so I can surf the net from bed, though somehow I manage to get up and go outside when I have something to do in a day that I just can’t avoid.

    Clearly I don’t belong on this earth and now I want to do what I should have done years ago, but I haven’t worked up the courage yet. I’ve been seeking help through the “mental health system,” but even they can’t figure out what to do with me. Anti-depressant medications don’t seem to work, psychotherapy doesn’t work, and I’ve even tried ECT (shock therapy) which didn’t work.

    Religiously, I refuse to believe in the “invisible man in the sky;” in this regard, George Carlin is my prophet.

    As for my present, I am currently on disability, though I do occasionally find some spot-work, for one day at a time. I live with 2 other divorced roommates in a pretty nice 4br suburban house. I have my own car and manage to keep fuel in the tank, food on the table, and a roof over my head.

    Turn-ons: None. My shrink says I suffer from anhedonia…the inability to enjoy anything. Probably true: I don’t like anything that I used to: traveling or vacations, road trips, movies, food, dogs, kids, dancing, sailing and boating, kayaking, scuba diving, motorcycle riding, desert sports, working on my car. I don’t see the point in any of it. Lately I’ve sought to fill the bottomless void by cruising websites for some cheap and tawdry sexual gratification, much to the chagrin of my live in (ex-)girlfriend.

    The only thing I really seem to enjoy…at least briefly…is helping people. Sometimes I pick someone at random off Craigslist and help them move furniture or fix their car. If someone on the street tells me they are hungry I will buy them some food, but never give them money outright. I get taken advantage of a lot. About three months ago, I bought a guy 300 bucks worth of groceries, just because he came up to me and said he was hungry. Next day he called me to pay his rent, which I did not give him. Never figured out why I do these things…perhaps I am subconsciously trying to atone for my sins. Doesn’t matter why, I’s all over, anyway.

    Turn-offs: I HATE the beach (always have, too much sand), tender feelings, paperwork, optimistic people. Most personal ads make me seethe with contempt at the unfairness of it all; seeing other’s optimism and capacity to enjoy things to just makes me feel all the more angry and depressed, melancholy, and alienated from the world.

    I am NOT looking for someone to “grow old with…” in fact, I’m not looking to grow old at all! I am actively planning my own death (I have already procured the agent<Mod Edit: methods>I am trying to get up the gumption, but so far, I’ve even managed to fail in that.

    I seem to be incapable of “connecting” to anyone emotionally or psychologically. I seek only some temporary / momentary physical pleasure to pass the time until I can work up the courage to do what I know I must.

    What I offer:

    1) I know how to treat a lady on a date. I will treat you really nicely and make you feel very special. Decent conversationalist.

    2) I am pretty good in bed. Very sensitive to your needs, although sometimes I get a little carried away, but I will stop on demand. I will make sure you are sexually very satisfied. And I have few, if any, requests of my own, though I do appreciate pretty much anything you feel like doing to me, as long as it doesn’t involve physical pain.

    3) When I die, you will inherit the remainder of my funds that I haven’t managed to squander yet; roughly 50 thousand dollars. Tax free…the IRS doesn’t know about it.

    So there you have it. 50 grand, for a few months of holding your nose and dating a guy like me. Any takers?
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2007
  2. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    well i found that very amusing. im not in the least bit interested but im pretty sure there could be some takers. weirder things have happened.
  3. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    This site isn't a dating site.
    There are other sites for that - use Google.

    There are suicidal people here, and also rape/abuse victims, and while you may be suicidal yourself, it isn't acceptable to be offering yourself and women 'sexual satisfaction', and 50,000 pounds / dollars, just to have someone to see your days out with, as comforting as that would be to you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2007
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I for one think that helping a stranger off craigslist just to do something nice is a very wonderful thing :) Place the ad on a dating site and see what happens :)
  5. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I don't find this amusing at all. I find it pretty rotten actually. :dry:
  6. Clipper

    Clipper Guest

    It was not a serious offer at all.

    I suppose it is in my personality to make light of a serious subject...or anything stressful, for that matter.
    See? I truly *don't* belong here. I am the proverbial bull in the china shop.

    My apologies to anyone I've offended.

    If I could remove this whole thread, I would. What do you say, mr (ms?) administrator?
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2007
  7. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    I found it funny and knew you weren't being serious.
  8. HazrakTZ

    HazrakTZ Guest

    I think that intent is 90% of crimes, and I knew his intent wasn't to offend anyone but rather to give them a chuckle at his own expense.

    I found it funny


    And to the end of your feeling that you don't belong here, nonsense. Perhaps you might have to pull the reigns in on your humor a bit merely to keep admins off of your back, but I think a large variety of personality types within a forum community is a plus. I am biased, though, since (from first impressions) I enjoy your posting style.
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2007
  9. Clipper

    Clipper Guest

    Let's put it this way. All the facts in my post were 100% true, and I believe my conjecture to be so, also.

    But I seriously did NOT come here looking for a woman. I was merely railing at fate...ironically mocking the personal ads that one really does see, where everyone pukes out a bunch of optimistic garbage and seems to have flowers growing from their @sses. I was attempting, with a little humor, to explore the rhetorical question: "What if us depressives wrote in these ads what we really believed, instead of the usual bunch of 'sales hype?'"

    We've all been in relationships, and we know the drill...the initial tittilation of meeting someone new, the infatuation, the feeling that they will somehow make our lives "complete"...etc...the giddiness of first-time "nookie"...then reality sets in, and you find they're just another confused individual walking this earth with the rest of us, trying to figure it all out, and not doing very well at that. If you're REALLY lucky, it takes a few years for the contempt to build up enough for the relationship to "implode."

    Well, thank you, offense was NOT my intent. In my own defense, we've all seen "nervous laughter"...people sometimes automatically and instinctively use laughter or humor as a way to diffuse stress and strong negative feelings...I suppose this is just my way of doing that.

    But I can also see how some might be offended if they did *not* see it that way...if they really thought I came to the Suicide Forum to "pick up chicks." Or if they think that one should lose one's whole persona, including one's sense of humor, in contemplation of suicide...

    I can also understand if they think that humor is simply not appropriate on a forum for such a serious subject, or on a forum visited by people with such real, serious problems like rape and abuse. For that insensitivity, I apologize...however, it also proves my point; that I clearly don't know where to draw the line, so I end up cr@pping all over people's feelings, albeit unintentionally. Yet one more small piece of evidence supporting my assertions that I don't friggin' belong here in this world, let alone this forum.

    What a rejection, huh? I'm too f---ing antisocial to participate in a forum where the main problem is that people are antisocial and/or isolated? Jeezus. Ain't that like the old joke about your own hand hand rejecting you when you...well, you know....:blink: ...God, I can't even wrap my mind around that one...!

    Well, to be honest, in response to your "nonsense," I say: nonsense. Many of us are here because we feel exactly that...difference is, I have a 40-year track record of leaving decimated emotions and financial devastation in my wake, and failed attempts to correct the situation. This is not an impulsive moment of despondency, this is a lifetime of observation and evidence. At some point, there is a reckoning...there HAS to have to face up to the facts, that your being here has done WAY more damage than good; it then becomes a perfectly rational decision to "take one for the team," as it were.

    So, my apologies to all, and thanks for listening. I'll shut up and go away now....
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2007
  10. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Financial devastation isn't something you can wreak upon a forum, it is unnecessary to leave I thinks.
  11. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    By all means, stay :) - just because you posted one thread that some people didn't response that well to, myself included in that, doesn't mean that you can't fit in here.

    Give it a chance :)
  12. possessednomad

    possessednomad Well-Known Member

    i actually didnt know if you wanted me to admit that i found it pretty funny, but after seeing other peoples (and yours) posts here, yeah it was bloody funny.
  13. Clipper

    Clipper Guest

    Give *what* a chance? "Fit in here?" What does that look like?

    Clipper: "F--- this, f--- it all. I can't take it any more. I'm outta here.

    Happy SmokeBlower: No, please, don't go. It'll get better. We need you! Stay safe!

    Clipper: Oh. OK. I never thought of that! It's all clear to me now! I wanna live!

    (Repeat every few days)

    I need to quit looking for absolution. I need to quit looking for answers of any kind, certainly from other people. There aren't any answers, there is only the certainty of endless pain. The pain of knowing that I just don't belong here on this earth, and that I haven't yet been able to muster up the courage to "take one for the team."

    The ugly truth, that nobody seems to want to admit, is that things really DON'T get better...for me, they haven't in 40 years...I'm a logical guy...why would anything change? It defies all common sense.

    I need to quit talking about it, get up the courage and just do it and get it over with. We all do. Can you imagine what would happen to this website? Sheesh.
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2007
  14. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    I really hope ur joking or else thats really rude of you
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2007
  15. God, Clipper must have an IQ of over 200. I'm really impressed, I've re-read his posts, 2 times.
  16. Clipper

    Clipper Guest

    Really RUDE of me? Specifically, to what do you refer?

    The truth? Sometimes the truth IS really rude, and ugly. We can sit around here and blow "happy smoke" up each others' @sses all we want, and it ain't gonna change the truth.

    We certainly can't DO anything about the truth until we recognize it, and accept it for what it is. And even THEN we often can't do anything about it.

    Which I think is why suicide exists...for people who have finally...FINALLY accepted their own personal truths. Like me.

    I wrote a silly, obviously tongue-in-cheek "personal ad" to make light of it, and thus make a feeble attempt to dissipate the pain, my OWN pain, at least temporarily. I shared it with this group because I thought it was cute and clever, thought-provoking, and maybe helpful to someone. Perhaps give them a way to look at their pain that they hadn't thought of make light of it.

    Obviously I was wrong to do so, yet again. So what else is new. Trust me, it won't happen again. Obviously I do not "fit" this "community," any more than I have "fit" any other "community," EVER. I even tried to make light of THAT...i.e. the comment about "my hand rejecting me." Some people never learn, do they?

    But all the frivolity in the world doesn't change...the TRUTH. The pain is still there. Always has been, always will be.

    And so is the obvious answer...just lurking there...right there in my garage, waiting for me to work up the courage to take advantage of it. And END the pain, once and for all.
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2007
  17. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    Hi friend. If U need someone to talk to we are all here to listen. PM me anytime if U want. Suicide is NOT the answer to your problems. Imagine those people who have lost everything in their empires, such as kings and nobles did. There is always someone much worse off!
  18. Clipper

    Clipper Guest

    OK, I'll bite. Why not?

    With all due respect, how can you say that? You don't even know me.

    Did it ever occur to you that maybe it IS the answer to SOME people's problems?

    That certain people may, despite apparent success, genuinely NOT "fit" on this planet? Like Vincent Van Gogh? Or Charlie Manson? Or Hitler? (to use extreme, but visible and memorable examples)

    Of course there is.

    And I already acknowledged that I've had more than my share of luck in life.

    To know that other people have it worse, doesn't make my pain or loss any less acute. In fact, it only makes me feel worse, and confirms my conclusion, to know that I'm such a wimp that I cannot endure ONE-TENTH of what others have endured.
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2007
  19. immure

    immure Account Closed

    hurry the verbal judo around here can be insane come hide with me. lol
  20. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    Dude- why the fuck are you still living with your ex?
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