Found my live-in (ex-)girlfriends "personal ads" on lavalife and match.com today...glad she has moved on, though we're still living under the same roof. But then I thought...what if I wrote my own personal ad...I desperately want to have someone to be around in my final days, but strongly feel I could not, in good conscience, inflict myself on someone else right now.... Well, honesty being the best policy, I came up with a REAL ad...none of those "love to walk on the beach and go dancing" from someone who hasn't done either in friggin' decades... So here are my efforts...any takers? ********************* Tall, fat, bald, ugly, mean-looking, middle-aged suicidal woman-hating pessimist with poor hygiene and insurmountable personal problems seeks female to jump my bones and make me feel good for a few months until I die. Highly intelligent but anti-social loser seeks temporary relationship…physical only. In the past 7 years I’ve managed to destroy my marriage and my career, lose two houses and two businesses, alienate my kids and my ex-girlfriend, decimate my finances and destroy at least three business relationships. I have managed to invoke the full wrath of the IRS upon myself, (stolen bank accounts, leins and all) mainly because I refuse to back down to a bunch of criminal thugs who wrap themselves in the flag as they do their dirty work. But I do not have the skills and talents or patience to do the legal work necessary to defeat them (it can be done…,I have seen it!) so I sit, bloodied, unable to open a bank account, cashing checks through friends. I am a “patriot…” I believe strongly in our constitutional limitations on government and the wisdom of our founding fathers. In regards to that, I have only one question: when did the word “patriot” become something one is called in vain and contempt? Past glories include: early high school graduate, federal academy graduate, active US Coast Guard licenses as a ship’s captain and ship’s engineer, EMT, dive boat captain, published author. I’ve had more than my share of good luck in life and I’ve squandered it all, and hurt more people than I can count. Nowadays I lay around in bed as much as possible; I’ve even managed to rig my laptop computer so I can surf the net from bed, though somehow I manage to get up and go outside when I have something to do in a day that I just can’t avoid. Clearly I don’t belong on this earth and now I want to do what I should have done years ago, but I haven’t worked up the courage yet. I’ve been seeking help through the “mental health system,” but even they can’t figure out what to do with me. Anti-depressant medications don’t seem to work, psychotherapy doesn’t work, and I’ve even tried ECT (shock therapy) which didn’t work. Religiously, I refuse to believe in the “invisible man in the sky;” in this regard, George Carlin is my prophet. As for my present, I am currently on disability, though I do occasionally find some spot-work, for one day at a time. I live with 2 other divorced roommates in a pretty nice 4br suburban house. I have my own car and manage to keep fuel in the tank, food on the table, and a roof over my head. Turn-ons: None. My shrink says I suffer from anhedonia…the inability to enjoy anything. Probably true: I don’t like anything that I used to: traveling or vacations, road trips, movies, food, dogs, kids, dancing, sailing and boating, kayaking, scuba diving, motorcycle riding, desert sports, working on my car. I don’t see the point in any of it. Lately I’ve sought to fill the bottomless void by cruising websites for some cheap and tawdry sexual gratification, much to the chagrin of my live in (ex-)girlfriend. The only thing I really seem to enjoy…at least briefly…is helping people. Sometimes I pick someone at random off Craigslist and help them move furniture or fix their car. If someone on the street tells me they are hungry I will buy them some food, but never give them money outright. I get taken advantage of a lot. About three months ago, I bought a guy 300 bucks worth of groceries, just because he came up to me and said he was hungry. Next day he called me to pay his rent, which I did not give him. Never figured out why I do these things…perhaps I am subconsciously trying to atone for my sins. Doesn’t matter why, I guess...it’s all over, anyway. Turn-offs: I HATE the beach (always have, too much sand), tender feelings, paperwork, optimistic people. Most personal ads make me seethe with contempt at the unfairness of it all; seeing other’s optimism and capacity to enjoy things to just makes me feel all the more angry and depressed, melancholy, and alienated from the world. I am NOT looking for someone to “grow old with…” in fact, I’m not looking to grow old at all! I am actively planning my own death (I have already procured the agent<Mod Edit: methods>I am trying to get up the gumption, but so far, I’ve even managed to fail in that. I seem to be incapable of “connecting” to anyone emotionally or psychologically. I seek only some temporary / momentary physical pleasure to pass the time until I can work up the courage to do what I know I must. What I offer: 1) I know how to treat a lady on a date. I will treat you really nicely and make you feel very special. Decent conversationalist. 2) I am pretty good in bed. Very sensitive to your needs, although sometimes I get a little carried away, but I will stop on demand. I will make sure you are sexually very satisfied. And I have few, if any, requests of my own, though I do appreciate pretty much anything you feel like doing to me, as long as it doesn’t involve physical pain. 3) When I die, you will inherit the remainder of my funds that I haven’t managed to squander yet; roughly 50 thousand dollars. Tax free…the IRS doesn’t know about it. So there you have it. 50 grand, for a few months of holding your nose and dating a guy like me. Any takers?