My Perspective

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tmostna, Sep 15, 2011.

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  1. tmostna

    tmostna Active Member

    It was really helpful to have found this forum, it seems to me to be a very good resource to explore the subject without causing concern to those you are close to.

    I wouldn't describe myself as in crisis, but I always like to have a 'get out plan' worked out and provided for and a date in mind.

    What tends to happen is that something happens in life which results in me deciding to push back the 'deadline'.

    The current plan is set for 'completion' in February 2012 and, if done correctly will involve no one else and not even require anyone to perform any kind on 'cleanup'.

    This was paramount as I like the idea of leaving life without a trace without the usual conformities like a funeral /burial/ cremation.

    I have had periods of crisis in the past and been diagnosed with anxiety and depression but have become very good at hiding it - anyone who didn't know me wouldn't have a clue and would no doubt describe me as a happy type of a person.

    Those people wouldn't know I spend long hours researching the subject and contemplating the bigger questions, chief amongst which is:

    1) If there is a point to life, what is it?

    I am now in my early 50's, single, jobless and have no children, so I tick a good few boxes.

    I have been in varying states of depression / heightened anxiety / low mood /despondent since puberty.

    The main reason for hanging around this long was to avoid upsetting my parents, but as they have now passed on, I no longer have that excuse.

    One or two of the few friends I have may be upset but I don't see that as a good enough reason to hang around, simply getting older and dying anyway.

    I would describe my mood as 'neutral' most of the time and get very little pleasure from the things I used to.

    I don't see what is so bad about making that decision - with one caveat.

    I am not a religious person, but I do wonder about what, if anything, lies beyond.

    I suppose I think that a person isn't (as far as we know) given a choice about whether they wanted to be born or not, so should they have a choice about how/when they pass on or should they leave it to fate?

    These are just some of my thoughts about the subject, I welcome comments/questions or feedback.

    An American Abroad
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I identify with your get-out plan status - for the last few months I've had a box of pills (bought innocently) in the glovebox of my car as my last resort. I think sometimes in these moods it helps to have a get-out - and because I have, I don't have to go through with it.

    As far as what lies beyond is concerned, I'd consider myself something of a Christian - it's complicated and personal and requires much more thought on my part, as far as how suicide ties in with it - all I know is that my deadline keeps getting pushed back - and in spite of physical disability and mental illness I remain lucky.

    Just a couple of thoughts.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not that old for one thing The future still may hold many surprises for you Why not stick around and see what they are hun Many people meet their soul mates later on in years I hope you have talk to doctors about your obsession with dying perhaps get on meds to help decrease your depression or therapy to help you see more clearly less distorted thoughts. It is good that you have reached out here hun i Hope you continue to do so hugs:hugtackles::hugtackles:
  4. tmostna

    tmostna Active Member

    Thank you for your kind words - maybe it is a bit of an obsession, I had not thought of it in those terms - I prefer to think I am being pragmatic.

    I am going to go anyway, it's just a matter of when and how - is it really so bad to make that choice myself?

    Mind you, even as I type those words, my instinct is it's the wrong path to take.

    As I have said I am not a religious person, but I would like nothing more than some sort of epiphany, a spiritual awakening of some kind - I just don't think I am wired that way, not now at least.
  5. tmostna

    tmostna Active Member

    Thanks for you thoughts, it's almost reassuring to see there are other people with a similar mindset.

    The word suicide it something of a misnomer in many cases -

    One persons takes too many pills, another drinks himself to death over a period of years. Yet another smokes his life away.

    Only one of those will be labelled as a suicide.

    Having faith add's another layer - whether you personally believe or not I imagine the net result will be the same.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Tom...I think there is a process to a spiritual awakening...and it differs for each person...this is not to presume, that I am there, but I do believe, that for the most part, I am on the path...of course, like any other new behavior, it wanes when yourself, I am not religious, but do believe that my life is enriched by more 'mindfulness', which is the path i have of luck to you, and should you find anything for yourself, please share it with us...I know I have learned a lot from other people's experiences...J
  7. tmostna

    tmostna Active Member

    Hi J,

    It's interesting you mention this as I have explored this area a little.

    I am no expert but my understanding is that this is a Buddhist principal. (although I suppose you could argue that prayer is another form of mindfulness)

    There seems to be many different stands of Buddhism, but the one that appeals to me the most is where it's practitioners consider it to be more of a philosophy than a religion.

    There is a really good free podcast which features several different teachers giving talks on the various teachings of their particular version.

    I am not sure if I am meant to link to things or not, but if anyone wants the url just message me.

    The other aspect I like about this particular group is that they offer everything for free - including retreats although people are asked to contribute of course.

    While I find the talks comforting I imagine it is very hard to master something like meditation or to achieve a restful mind, let alone something like enlightenment.

    In a perfect world I might benefit from a couple of months in such a retreat, but do know have the means or time to be able to.

    Still, the notion of karma is an interesting one and from what I understand I am destined to continually come back to this world however I die, at least until I am wise enough to achieve enlightenment. (assuming they are right, of course)

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