My piece of heaven in this hell...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LightInTheDarkestNight, Sep 18, 2013.

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  1. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    The reality of my life is that's it's a hell but I have largely found a way to find happiness despite all the burdens of my life. I was in the hospital in July for a few days I had to get multiple blood transfusions, and my hemoglobin was still only 740, was 600 when I was first tested(I felt better at this point compared to my worst which is scary), it should be 1200. I lost 20lbs in roughly 10 days, bloody diarrhea 25-30 times a day, night sweats, aches and pains in my legs/joints that took t3's to go to sleep, just feeling like death. This is just one of many burdens in my life, I can't disclose them all due to privacy/safety reasons but that's just the tip of the iceberg. Luckily I got on some meds to help my condition but it will likely come back.

    "The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."

    John Milton

    I feel like I'm doing my best to make the hell I'm in a heaven. It kind of bothers me people me that there are people who's lives would literally be heaven compared to mine who feel like they're living in a hell. The truth is though that our perception is our reality, so if you're in heaven and you make it a hell, then being in a hell is your reality, it doesn't make it any better that you're actually in heaven but your mind has turned it into hell. To be honest despite all my burdens there are people who would feel my life is a heaven despite all it's shortcomings mostly though only people in third world countries, or severe disabilities, even then I'm sure a large percentage of people who fit into the latter two categories would not want my life if they knew everything about it. I guess it could even me someone who is ignorant to my pain an the reality of my life. It's not pleasant having to watch your back for the rest of your life but I've accepted that into my life, then with my past of traumas and people that have taken advantage of me(with no genuine intentions) just adds to everything.

    I'm surprised I've made it through this nightmare this long....... While watching the news on the D.C. dock shootings there was lady being interviewed who had to hide in a room for 8 hours before being told to come out and things were safe. She said that was Hell, now imagine living your whole life like that...

    Anyways most of you will not read this whole post and that's okay, I got some stuff off my chest. I just wish my life was different and I had made some better choices in life, despite being screwed over by people time and time again this all could have been avoided if I made better choices and had better support... I also have a lot of guilt about things from mistake I made 10+ years ago to more recent stuff, my life of pain could have been avoided and worst of all I have a son and all of this will effect him without a doubt.

    I hate that it's kind of like whining or complaining me posting this thread, that's not what I want to do but it is of course what has happened to some degree.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2013
  2. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    Well, congratulations - you found the secret we are all trying to grasp. You are here because you have lousy life circumstances, and are, for the most part, managing to keep control over your emotions. Most of us are here because, regardless of our life circumstances, our emotions are out of our control, and we haven't figured out how to get a grasp on them yet.

    I get the thing about feeling guilt over your past. I have a few things from my past (which I will not mention here), but right now I am going through a "divorce" (we have been living as though not married for some time, and now she has asked me to move out) and I am upset about the effect this is going to have on my kids. It may seem a small thing to you, and your concern about your son's response to your current problems may be something greater, but to me, because of certain life circumstances, what I am facing is monumental. At any rate, the guilt makes it hard for me to fight for myself - for my own happiness - and the temptation is to just sink right into depression. Suicide becomes appealing. Honestly, the fact that the kids will need me to support them through all this and try to minimize the change that this makes in their lives (by staying involved with them) is about the only thing that keeps me fighting.

    Really, regardless of what fault you may have had in causing your own life circumstances, those choices are no longer yours to make...whatever your past may have been, you are powerless over it now, so blaming yourself for those things doesn't accomplish anything. The way your life is now is a reality - accept it and do the best you can with it. I think that is the only place where virtue lies.

    I'm glad you came around.
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