Everyday I get up with the same feeling of hopelessness, and ways I could just end my life quickly and painlessly. Over the course of 7 to 8 years it seems my life has been going more and more down the drain each passing day. From 6th grade to 9th grade I was picked on by fellow classmates all the time. Back then I was a really weak skinny kid who couldn't defend myself. It wasn't until 10th grade when I finally moved to a better school people started to leave me alone and I started meeting and hanging out with some decent people. Although, I still suffered from severe shyness and anxiety, which caused me to still be an outcast. As a result from this, I never had the courage or confidence to ever have a girlfriend throughout my school years, which led to self esteem issues that haunt me to this very day. Anyways, today I'm a stronger person psychically, but emotionally I'm still very weak. I'm going on 21 years old, I have no life, I only exist in the 1 bedroom apartment where my inner demons haunt me from day to day. I'm a vocalist, and guitar player for a one man Black Metal project as I feel the need to participate in a hobby to keep my mind off of my own mental torture and express my emotions through making really dark music. I feel the only need for me to live(?) is to create music for my own self enjoyment and for any of my fans that truly appreciate my arts. For years, I have been seeking that special someone in my life that could share common interests with me and allow my soul to live happily ever after. However, all throughout my life I have suffered the fate of rejection. It just seems that this problem for me will never cease to exist and I'll just die alone. In 2007, a friend of mine was released from prison after serving 2 years for drug sales. He was a very outgoing type of guy, we had a lot in common and even told people we were half brothers. During this time I gained the confidence to approach women, I approached women in a very suave and outgoing way, but it obviously didn't work as I got rejected by at least 10 different girls. My close friends (hardly any) and family all say that I'm a fairly attractive young man, even though I beg to differ. From countless rejections, I now lost what little confidence I ever had. My sworn brother is back in prison, my family won't listen to my cries for help, I feel like I'm going to live for years and eventually die alone, I have no real friends, and I just feel like an alien being from a dissonant world... My only reason for not committing suicide already is partially because my family would be devastated and I actually care for my family. I also feel like I have a mission to produce music so people have something to remember me by, so that I won't go down as a useless nothing. People often joke and compare me to Per Yngve Ohlin of the Black Metal band Mayhem, because we're essentially the same person. He took his own life with a shotgun blast to the head, and I truly plan on doing the same thing soon when I find the courage. I have become mentally ill, I developed obsessive compulsive disorders and severe anxiety when I go out in public. I have insomnia, paranoia, and I just find it hard to continue breathing each and every day. I do not fear death, I admire it, especially if it's my own. I just want to end this dream we like to call reality, and just die. Sorry for the long post, you don't have to read it if you don't want to.