My plan to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Astaroth, Sep 19, 2009.

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  1. Astaroth

    Astaroth Member

    Everyday I get up with the same feeling of hopelessness, and ways I could just end my life quickly and painlessly. Over the course of 7 to 8 years it seems my life has been going more and more down the drain each passing day. From 6th grade to 9th grade I was picked on by fellow classmates all the time. Back then I was a really weak skinny kid who couldn't defend myself. It wasn't until 10th grade when I finally moved to a better school people started to leave me alone and I started meeting and hanging out with some decent people. Although, I still suffered from severe shyness and anxiety, which caused me to still be an outcast. As a result from this, I never had the courage or confidence to ever have a girlfriend throughout my school years, which led to self esteem issues that haunt me to this very day.

    Anyways, today I'm a stronger person psychically, but emotionally I'm still very weak. I'm going on 21 years old, I have no life, I only exist in the 1 bedroom apartment where my inner demons haunt me from day to day. I'm a vocalist, and guitar player for a one man Black Metal project as I feel the need to participate in a hobby to keep my mind off of my own mental torture and express my emotions through making really dark music. I feel the only need for me to live(?) is to create music for my own self enjoyment and for any of my fans that truly appreciate my arts.

    For years, I have been seeking that special someone in my life that could share common interests with me and allow my soul to live happily ever after. However, all throughout my life I have suffered the fate of rejection. It just seems that this problem for me will never cease to exist and I'll just die alone. In 2007, a friend of mine was released from prison after serving 2 years for drug sales. He was a very outgoing type of guy, we had a lot in common and even told people we were half brothers. During this time I gained the confidence to approach women, I approached women in a very suave and outgoing way, but it obviously didn't work as I got rejected by at least 10 different girls. My close friends (hardly any) and family all say that I'm a fairly attractive young man, even though I beg to differ. From countless rejections, I now lost what little confidence I ever had. My sworn brother is back in prison, my family won't listen to my cries for help, I feel like I'm going to live for years and eventually die alone, I have no real friends, and I just feel like an alien being from a dissonant world...

    My only reason for not committing suicide already is partially because my family would be devastated and I actually care for my family. I also feel like I have a mission to produce music so people have something to remember me by, so that I won't go down as a useless nothing. People often joke and compare me to Per Yngve Ohlin of the Black Metal band Mayhem, because we're essentially the same person. He took his own life with a shotgun blast to the head, and I truly plan on doing the same thing soon when I find the courage. I have become mentally ill, I developed obsessive compulsive disorders and severe anxiety when I go out in public. I have insomnia, paranoia, and I just find it hard to continue breathing each and every day. I do not fear death, I admire it, especially if it's my own.

    I just want to end this dream we like to call reality, and just die.

    Sorry for the long post, you don't have to read it if you don't want to.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2009
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I read your post and really feel for you.
    I think it is good you feel a sense of purpose by making music and think many that are musicians feel that way it is a calling and it truly is...nobody can say it the way you can whether it be via music, lyrics or both.

    I was a late bloomer in the love department and find myself single yet again but I keep up hope. Keep up hope you shall find your love ..your muse I am certain.

    I see you are new so glad you found us and hope that you find what I have found..friends and support cuz it is here.

    Do you post your music anywhere? I would love to hear can PM anytime you would like just write me!
    I care I really do and keep posting we are here for you we really are.
    Love and hugs Bambi
  3. Astaroth

    Astaroth Member

    Thanks so much! I tried sending a PM, I'm not sure if it went through or not though.
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    It did are not gonna believe!
  5. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member

    Where do you perform? Are you in Cali? I'd come and check you out. At least you have fans. I couldn't get friends and such to come to my concerts. Try to find a doctor and some therapy to help you with your anxiety and such.

    I will share this about girls because unfortunately, there isn't a text book to meeting them. Women do like men who are confident. This has nothing to do with attractiveness because I've seen some couples which would make you go "huh" as to how they got together.

    Do you have a type of girl in mind that you like? Because just going up to any girl you find attractive will get you a bunch of "nos" and it can do a number on you. Just for example, if you like a more artsy woman, hang out at some coffee shops or at some poetry readings where people will first, get to know you.

    Renaissance Faires are great places to meet women. Invest in some nice pirate digs and women can't get enough of you. I know because they're all over my husband when we go. Also, creating a fictional persona and acting will help boost your confidence. Most of the guys I know from the faire are the sweetest men and outside of their costumes, they're very quiet and shy. Also, it's a great place to meet friends. Often when girls see you have other friends and you aren't overly showing interest in them, they may be more open to you.

    One thing I noticed men and boys make the mistake of is either being too shy, too polite or too goofy and the worst thing of all, too desperate. "Would you like to hit a movie sometime?" No. Unless you're Brad Pitt or rich, most chicks will say no.

    I've always liked men who made moves in a way where he was confident I would say yes. Not macho, just in control. I'd have to be attracted to him, of course, but I didn't want to see any shyness. "Let's go talk over there and have a drink," "Give me your number and we can talk some time, would you like that?" My husband approached me and he got major points for doing that. It was love at first sight for us.

    Stay away from girls in groups. They are like packs of wolves. Sorry to talk about my own sex like that, but it's true. Again, unless you're Hugh Jackman, Brad Pitt or some other hot famous dude, you'll get ripped to shreds. Find the loners, they're IQ level tends to be a bit higher.

    Hope that helps you.
  6. Astaroth

    Astaroth Member

    My band isn't exactly a band, it's more like a one man musical project. The only way I'll ever perform live is if I hire some session musicians, and I don't plan on doing that anytime soon until I gain some confidence first. I'm still in the process of recording my first album, and the only thing I have right now is a crappy demo. Though I did record a lot of unreleased material.

    Thanks for the advice though. I just really need to make myself more confident. I'm not going to give up just yet. If I gain enough confidence to perform live, I might gain the confidence to approach women. So I'm going to just work on doing that for now and hope it works.
  7. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I can relate to what you're saying. I have severe anxiety and social phobias and so meeting people is pretty hard for me. I'm a writer and writing is one of the main reason I'm still alive...but some days I really wish I could kill myself.

    Meeting guys is pretty hard for me...I'm pretty average looking and chubby so I'm not what most guys look for in a girl...I'm good enough to be a friend but not good enough to date...

    anyways I just wanted to say that I hear you...hopefully life will get better for all of us..
  8. volvagia

    volvagia Member

    Awh, I read the whole thing. I can relate to you a lot, actually. I'm a very shy person, and because of this I don't have many friends and I have never had a girlfriend. I'm also a musician.(guitar player) The only problem is I don't really have any friends to make a band with. There's also nobody around here that listens to the same type of music I do. It's upsetting really. I hope your music will take you somewhere and you'll be happy. :)
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