My Plotting My Worthless Existence.

Well since no one loves me in this world or really wants to be a part of my life. I have a great deal of alone time. So I lie around thinking about my existence. And what do I think about... but many things.

The first, plotting the best suicide. Now people wonder, "What do you mean by that?" Well what I mean is plotting the most emotionally devestating suicide. My current date is my College graduation. A time of great joy and happiness for all right? I mean for my mom I am her first child to graduate for my dad I am the only person in his family who is worth something. So what a better time to die than then? The high of happiness will be killed of by the sadness and ruin someones life... that is a good thing yes?

The other thing I think about that pretains to suicide would be, what would qualify as an instant void of my life? So I lied around and thought about many things. The first that I thought of pretained to my treasure in my life, Mickey-kun. He is a stuffed Mickey Mouse doll that I have had since I was born. I still sleep with him every night. He has been my only friend the one thing I could trust and love... well I think I love him anyway. I figured that if he was ever lost too me I would just kill myself. Because what would be the point of existing without him? Well I did lose him... but I wussed out on the attempting to kill myself because I suck at existance. But lucky for me he was returned to me. The other thing pretains to swapping bodily fluids. I figured if I engaged in that activity, whether it be kissing or intercourse, I just might as well die too. Because of all the things I have been agains in my existance that was the main one. It is a vile disgusting process. And for me to engage in it would make me a hipocrite. I hate hipocrites so why live when I hate myself?

So this is the pinical of my worthless existence. Since I have no one who wants to be a part of my life I lie around plotting my life. I am just a worthless person no? Instead of living life I plot it. I decide what will happen how things will happen..... and I keep plotting plotting plotting plotting. I am never content I want to make sure I have EVERY angle covered. So I sit around and think about all scenarios... everything I can possibly think of and I plan for it using logic to overcome them..... and then I lie in wait and bitch about how horrible my life is... I am such a fantastic person.... NOT!!

But it is not like the world has not shown me my pointless existance. I mean I am worthless in every fiber of my being and the world agrees. I mean if I was worth anything to anyone people would not have to force interest in me. Now what do I mean by FORCE intrest? Well simple I mean they are forced to be around me and communicate with me to be a part of my life to do something. And that is it, if I was less worthless people would take an interest in me on their own accord. I would have people who find me interesting and want to be a part of my life. But do they NOOOOO.... if I am ever to get anyone in my life I have to show the interest I have to be the one who says hi I HAVE TO BE THE PERSON WHO DOES FUCKING EVERYTHING!!! And I don't want to because in the end it could be all for nothing.

 

Why would you want to hurt your parents in such a way? To spoil their happiness * Your graduation day would make them happy and PROUD of YOU * Plotting to kill yourself then is just mean * It's wrong to kill yourself in order to hurt others * And the only person saying you are worthless is YOU * If you tell yourself you are something over and over again you start to believe it * So tell yourself you're a nice, friendly, approachable person instead *

 

Because I hate my parents... they always fight over me... they make my life miserable. They ignored me for the first 18 years of my life and now that I am in college they want to be a part of it. And trust me hurting them is not the main point. The main point is erasing my existence...

Yeah that whole thing telling yourself you are does not work... I have tried it in the past and it still did not work.... <mod edit: bunny - not needed>.

 

This is just how I feel. When people speak to me they talk about themselves, they never ask me any questions about what I'm up to. And when I do start talking about myself people lose interest. All I'm good for is to be talked to. I only communicate with people by forcing the communication, like being stuck in a car with someone or being stuck in a room with someone, usually on a 1 to 1 basis, because if there's anyone else around they'll probably talk to them.

Although I know nothing of your parents, they probably don't deserve to spend the rest of their lives having regrets about your death. I suggest at the very least you re-arrange your date to sometime less sensitive, if only for that reason. And I suspect, based on my own situation, that you've selected that date to pressure yourself into going through with it when the time comes, which I don't think is really a good idea is it?

I suggest that you think more about it and ask yourself if you want to die for your own reasons alone. Even if your parents do deserve a wake up call, it's a bit drastic to do what you're doing. I actually went through a similar thing to you, but now I'm 27 I've just lost all respect for my mother and quite honestly I couldn't give a shit if she was upset at my death or not.

Simon.

 

What right does anyone have to feel happier than anyone else? Your statement is spurious. As our parents brought us into this world, and were responsible for our upbringing, they must inevitably be responsible for our pain and suffering. We exist because of them.

Suicide is by its very nature, selfish. But there are times in life when we MUST think of ourselves. Otherwise what is the point? F**k everyone else.

 

Yeah people do not even talk to me. I have been in the room with one other person and they prefer silence to speaking with me... it is rather annoying...

Yeah you are right they probably don't deserve that but that will not stop me from pushing it on them. Personally I want them to regret just letting me raise myself I want them to regret never being an active part of my life... that is until I turned 19 I want them to be in SOOO much regret that the contemplate doing the same thing.

My reasons take precidence. But like I said in this post I like plotting. The revenge on my parents is simply a by-product nothing more.

Indeed that is what I believe as well. There comes a time when we just have to say fuck everyone but me...

 

I can relate in the sense that I am more often spoken to than acknowledged.
I have a Chii doll that I've grown very attached to, that I'd probably end up doing regrettable things for should I ever lose her/something were to happen to her (I'm aware I refer to her as a her).
I often tell myself that it's more fun to stay alive and to allow the events around me to entertain me (all though this method of motivation has somewhat warped my world perspective a bit), as opposed to creating entertaining events (as a normal person would, or so I have come to believe), or the oblivion that I believe Death is (Oblivion however is still very appealing from time to time).
Honestly, I believe that if your goal is to cease your own existance (rather than to hurt your parents) then your best bet outside of suicide is running away from everything you know (for while, or forever, whichever suits you i guess).

@dark_thought
The same logic can be thought of as selfish in that a parent seeks to bring chilren into the world for their own personal gain (whether to dispense unused love or to simply get money), just as a mother may love an unborn child though they have done nothing to permit such love, the parents simply allow the child to be born so that they may feel better about themselves, and so they selfishly bring a child into the world with the intention that the child will suffer (so that they may ease the pain/replace with joy and feel good about themselves). If one truly wishes to, anything can be simplified to mere selfishness.

(I might have gone off on a tangent at some point, if so, then I apoligise)

 

ha yeah my mickey-kun I would do anything to keep safe... anything... but oblivion is not oblivion if I keep on existing...