My pointless life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shazzer, Apr 8, 2008.

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  1. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    I feel so low and suicidal right now the thoughts of dying are becoming stronger and stronger. I've had enough of feeling this way and can't see things ever changing. I have been depressed for what seems for ever. I don't think I've ever been really happy and if I have I can't remember. Had a really crap childhood my dad has severe mental health problems and was in and out of hospital all the time and when he was home it wasn't a nice place to be. I witnessed a lot of stuff he did when he was ill which wasn't nice at all. Needless to say I have no relationship with him at all I do see him unfortuanately as my parents are still together. I am close with my mum we weren't always close but when she was diagnosed with cancer the first time we became a lot closer and I have been there for her since she was first diagnosed with bowel cancer she went into remission but then it returned nearly two years ago in the lung and now its just a waiting game. It does my head in as I know when she's gone that will be my family gone and I know that I would just kill myself if I haven't already. Its horrible watching someone suffer so much when you can't do anything to take the pain and suffering away. She's had three major ops one where she ended up in intensive care which was really horrible to see as she was on a ventilator and wasn't expected to recover.
    I used to work in nursing homes lookng after the elderly but te place wasn't run properly and to cut a long story short I had to watch a woman bleed to death in front of me. She fell through a fire door and cut her jugular vein and needless to say there was nothing that could be done to save her. Nobody saw it happen but I was the first person to find her I don't want to go into great detail about it as I don't want to trigger anyone but I felt totally helpless not been able to do anything to help her she was still alive when I found her and those visions will stay with me forever. I feel guilty and blame myself for her death as I couldn't do anthing to avoid it or help her all I could dowas call 999 and stay with her till she passed away. It was very traumatic as you can imagine. It was just an ordinary day which turned into a living nightmare. I had to do statements with the police and attend her inquest where I found out tha basically it should never have happened as the door should have had reinforced glass in it the worse that should have happened is the glass should have shattered. So basically the lady lost her life through negligence and it should never have happened I am so angry about it all and I don't know how to get past it.
    I feel so low and wish I didn't I'm isolating myself so much sometimes don't go out for days or even get dressed its enough sometimes to even get out of bed. Its like I want to talk but then I don't and I'm finding it so hard in chat just lately I come in and want to chat them I just can't and I don't know why. I want to so much stop thinking about dying as I know if I do try and od its more than likely going to work since I have kidney failure or I'll end up in intensive care and I know how I felt going to visit my mum there and I relly don't want to put her through that she's going through enough already.
    This is a small insight into my life there is much more but this will do for now
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    My parent too was in and out of mental hospitals during my childhood, tho in my case it was my mother. I can remember the awfulness of hospital visits and when she was allowed home how horrible home became. So can relate and commiserate with you :hug:
    However, I now have a relationship with my mother; the anger I felt as a child still sometimes surfaces but age and becoming a parent myself has allowed me to forgive (what wasnt really her fault..she was ill) and move on.
    I hope with time you will be able to do the same with your father. :hug:

    I am very sorry to read that your mother is dying from cancer and can only offer my heartfelt sympathy for you and your mother. :hug:

    Being angry at injustices and negligence is also one of my traits and will set me off in a tirade.
    However, in no way were you culpable for this poor woman's demise, in fact you probably gave her comfort by staying with her as she died.
    Sometimes its enough to just help someone to pass and not let them feel alone.
    I used to work on a terminal cancer ward and have held many a hand as they died, it's sad and painful but the last act of kindness I could give was to not let them go alone, you did the same :smile: :hug:

    Have you noticed that when you're depressed you can never remember a happy moment, I've been there and it's as if all happier times are negated by the mood of the moment.
    just remember this mood will pass too, tho a word with your GP may be in order to get help in lifting it.

  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Like T and you, I had an awful childhood too...I have finally been able to say, that was then and this is now and if I live in the past, I am missing the present...yes, all those things were awful, but to punish yourself because of it is even more wasteful...please know you did nothing wrong, you had bad birth placement and you can find work equally satisfying without the hellish work conditions...all the best and big hugs, J
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