My post is pretty graphic: warning... Life is going to be over soon...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NothingThereAllAlong, Jan 11, 2008.

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  1. NothingThereAllAlong

    NothingThereAllAlong Active Member

    I really hope this post is suitable for this forum. I have been on here for a while, but I don’t post that much. I read through the rules, and I couldn’t find anything against posting this. It’s pretty graphic though. Thus, I would recommend that you don’t read it if you aren’t ready to here a mouthful.

    I haven’t been posting here, because I have felt too shitty, and like too much of a complainer, but I guess it would help to be a little more active rather than hiding in the shadows.

    I hate myself so much. I’m thinking about getting a prescription filled, which I know will kill me. I think that I still have time to refill it before it runs out. It’s from last year. I stopped taking this said medication in September, but it’s powerful enough to kill me (especially the entire bottle). I also think that the pharmacy delivers, which is fantastic. I am going to call and check. Of course, I’ll mix it with something, and then something, and something. I’ll make the most wicked concoction that I can out of what I have. If that doesn’t work, I will be absolutely furious.

    I’m a nurse (though not working as one now, thus I am pretty skilled).

    I just wonder who will be the one to find me dead? Probably my apartment manager, or the janitor in the apartment building. We have this thing where we have to put out a sign everyday to make sure that we are OK. No, I don’t live in a nursing home. I live in an elderly type apartment building. I am not elderly, but am in my twenties. I only live here because the rent is relatively low (for my area), I have some health issues, and it’s pretty safe (although it sucks quite a bit here).

    I don’t have any ties in this town, or anyone out there who cares about me (anywhere). The people who know me; like my parents, and boyfriend already know my last wishes. They don’t really care if I commit suicide. No, I’m not joking. I have mentioned it before, and they just think that it’s great. They’re all a bunch of abusers anyway.

    In the last year, I have gained about one-hundred pounds, lost what little life I had, developed horrible acne, am no longer able to take care of myself, my apartment, my cat, and everything in my life went downhill. I’m no longer allowed or able to do my favorite hobbies. Everyday revolves around being controlled by my boyfriend.

    He doesn’t live with me, but I have to be home to accept his phone calls, I have to be home when he wants to do something (when none of his friends/family can do anything & there are no sports games on, I have to be his sex slave (even though I’m not a very sexual person, I have to pretend to be, giving him oral sex, and sex whenever he wants it). By the way, I lost my virginity to him at kind of an older age (mid twenties). I don’t think that I really wanted to, deep down, I just wanted him to like me, that’s the only reason why I do any of this (I’m so stupid like that). Oh well, he’s the only person who gives me any attention, even if it is just to use me.

    I was thinking about why I am so unhappy today. I never was happy to begin with, but I used to be in a better state of mind. It just sucks being controlled. I feel like there’s no escape except the ultimate escape. He lives right down the street. I can’t get away. I thought about telling him, “I want space.” A nice way of saying perhaps we shouldn’t be together. However, I feel guilty about it.

    I pretty much don’t get any sleep, because the only time I can relax at night is when my boyfriend is sleeping (although I worry most of the time, who wouldn’t). He works in the morning. I am supposed to accept all his text messages from work (well, any time actually), which come at random times, and respond to them within minutes. I am to be home at all times when he gets home from work, even though he calls me whenever he wants. Usually after he has gone out with his friends or family. For instance, yesterday (still seems like today to me), I went to sleep at about 2:00 PM, walked to a local store (I never do this) after my hour of sleep, and then had to wait for my boyfriend to call. I also had to stay up all night to worry about everything, with my “free time,” and then it was morning and afternoon “texting time.”

    He even tells me when I should be sleeping. The only time I know that I am safe from him is at night. I don’t have to worry about any of the garbage. I can just kind of sit back and try to relax. Although, it doesn’t work too well.

    I have been in abusive relationships before. One was very physically abusive. This is probably my second most abusive relationship. The other one was the physically abusive one.

    We have been “dating” for a long time, but we have not once done anything date like. A day with him normally consists of him either coming over, getting me to have sex with him, or give him oral sex. If we “go out” it’s to a local store, where he ditches me to look at DVDs and gaming systems while I get my groceries (with my money, of course). Then, we go back to his house; where he lives with his parents, and uses me for some type of sexual pleasure, and then takes me home. I’m only good for sex to him, but I’m basically his slave. I am his slave, actually. I have no say so in anything, not even what goes on in my life.

    However, a usual day consists of me going to his house, or him coming here, using me for sexual gratification, and then leaving. It sucks. The sex with him is not good either; not that it would be. I feel as though I am being raped. I am absolutely repulsed when he sticks his hands near my vagina. I have had men take advantage of me before: very unwillingly, thus it’s hard. Sex is also very painful because I am so tense. In addition, he has trouble keeping an erection, thus it makes it even worse. He gets violent over it, and it’s horrible. I dread it all. It seems to make it drag on and on. I almost want to run. I take that back, I do want to run from all of this.

    I am supposed to see him tomorrow/today. The last time I saw him was on Sunday. We went to the same local store as mentioned before, then back to his house for me to be used, and then he took me home. I’m sure that tomorrow will consist of something even crappier. He’s working for a couple hours in the morning (he can pretty much set his own schedule), and then his cousin is coming over (who is also his best friend) to sleepover, and hang out at night. That leaves a window of time open for me from about 1:00 p.m. to 4.00 p.m. That’s not enough time to do anything, but he claims that we’ll finally do something fun. Heh, yeah right, after a year. It’s not like if we did something it would be fun anyway. I am already tainted. He has already tainted me from ever having fun with him. I’m quite sure that it will just be another sex and leave thing. He’ll probably come over for like two hours, and then want to get ready to go out with his cousin.

    Hopefully, this is the only day this weekend that I’ll have to see him; not that it matters, there’s no real escape. Except the ultimate one. ;-)

    My life is on hold, but it’s going to be over, I think. I can’t go on anymore like this. I could be doing something with my life, but I am too emotionally fucked from all of the things that I have been through in my past (even before this relationship), and now. I’m traumatized. I don’t see how I could ever get out of this situation. There’s absolutely no way. I don’t have anyone who cares. My boyfriend lives right down the street. He could easily come up any time he wants, and he can spread rumors about me. He has a really “good” image. Of course, he makes my image to be out horrible, even though I think that I’m not too bad of a person. I’m not an attractive person from the outside, but deep down I know that I have a good heart, and that I am intelligent. What a shame for that all to be wasted. It has to be though. I don’t see a point for me being here.
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    First off, you MUST break up with him! Sweetheart, you are obviously worth 100 of him, so do not let him be the reason you do yourself in. As for your parents, I have only this to say: Sometimes, we have to make our own families. If your biological family treats you like crap, then you need to distance yourself from them, period. Just because you are related does not mean that they belong in your life. Please don't hurt yourself. You sound like a great person with so much to offer. As a nurse, you help people every single day. Break it off with your "boyfriend". You have nothing to feel guilty about. He is a selfish, abusive prick who doesn't deserve to kiss the ground you walk on. PM me if you like and I will be happy to talk to you. You sound like a great girl who's just going through some messed up crap right now.
  3. NothingThereAllAlong

    NothingThereAllAlong Active Member

    I don’t work right now because of my health problems. It’s not like I could work. I have my “job” to be around all day…

    Thanks for your advice.
  4. NothingThereAllAlong

    NothingThereAllAlong Active Member

    Not that anyone cares, but I didn’t go today. I stayed in bed most of the day worrying, though I wasn’t sleeping. He didn’t even bother to call, and make sure if I was OK. I talked to him later in the day, because I called. Stupid! I told him I was sick, but he didn’t care, as usually.

    His cousin was already there, and they were already out. I noticed that he didn’t invite me to hang out with them. He also hung up immediately, and told me he’d call later; which it’s way later, and he didn’t call.

    I’m pretty certain that I can call the pharmacy on Monday, and get that medicine by Tuesday. Then, it’s off to never never land.
  5. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Your boyfriend sounds like a very, very insecure dude. I would ditch him if I were you but that's probably not the problem, it sounds like even though you dislike the way he treats you, he's the only person giving you attention and you don't want to lose that (If I'm way off base feel free to flame me). I apologise in advance for what it is I'm about to say but your boyfriend is a dick. It's no wonder you feel so down, who wouldn't? The guy lives with his parents, plays video games, watches tv and abuses his girlfriend. You're dating an asshole and a loser, you deserve better and don't let anyone tell you different. I would say muster your courage, if you feel up to it, and tell him it has to stop or it is over. Believe it or not, you hold the power in this situation; He can't fuck himself, pardon my french. He treats you that way because he thinks he can, he knows he can, show him that he cannot treat you that way and expect you to just take it. If anything, you can tell his mom on him :).
  6. lostboy

    lostboy Well-Known Member

    I agree with Reki, he sounds like a complete turd and is no good for you. 1st thing I'de do is tell him to fuck off, if he comes round call the police. I suggest you go to your doctor and tell him/her how your feeling. Get some counceling off of a local psychiatrist, and maybe find some new medication that works for you.
    Your just stuck in a rut right now that seems so dark and black that the possibility of coming out sounds ludicrous, I've been in one before too, I think you should seek help and get out of it
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    My very first relationship was the exact same. I was 13 at the time. It went on for almost 20 years. He IS now my ex. So I have some insight to what you are saying and feeling. You have to get out of this relationship NOW!! IF you can't find the strength to do it for yourself, then do it for all the other women in the same position. Each time one of us is strong enough to break the cycle, it means there is hope for another. It took quite some time before I was able to realize that he didn't own me anymore, but once I did, it felt great. I went to bed when I wanted, didn't have to have sex any longer, talked on the phone, watched TV etc. And no one to tell me I could or couldn't. It is a shame for "all that to be wasted." You are still young and have a guilt free life ahead of you. I really want to you realize that. The point to staying alive, is to give yourself time to prove it to yourself.
  8. Only1?

    Only1? Active Member

    You need to get this man out of your life and then you will start to build your self worth again. I can imagine your job can be very rewarding and also that there is a great need for your skills. If you feel a complete change of scenery is needed could you maybe go and do some voluntary nursing for accomodation/food etc just to get away. I dont know how much you feel the need to be away from this man and your area but I know I would want to use my job to get to a different/better place if I could.

    Good luck with everything, please dont let him make you take this way out, its not going to make it better......the only one to lose out is you and you need to come out of this the winner. take care :)
  9. SebFontain

    SebFontain New Member

    Before you go and take those pills, why not take others advice and get rid of the things in life that make you unhappy? You're boyfriend sounds like a complete fuck.. Why not get rid of him?? You obviously do not love him and he obviously uses you and sounds mentally abusive.. I know it sounds scary to break up with him, but it cant be anymore scarier than killing yourself right? You have pretty much faced fear in it's eyes when you came to the decision on really killing yourself, so breaking up with him cant be much harder now can it?? You sound like a great person fyi.
  10. Christianv2

    Christianv2 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you need to just be you and do what you want to do, dont stay with your terrifying bf and move on. Hes hurting you, dont take the pills, stay with us and talk. You havent gotten anything to lose to stay and talk for awhile. It always gets better, dont go this way. You can always change things, it may be easier than you think.
  11. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you had the courage and motivation to post your story on the forum. :hug:

    I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so hopeless and helpless. Your health issues prevent you from doing what you love, and you feel stuck in your apartment and subject to the demands of an insecure boyfriend. Surrounded by all these difficulties, is there anything in life that seems to be going reasonably well right now?

    What would happen if you firmly said, “No” when your boyfriend wanted sex (intercourse or oral)?

    How did your relationship with your boyfriend start? Was there anything about him that made him seem attractive in any way? Do you understand each other or come from similar backgrounds?

    What happened in the last year that triggered your descent into your current situation? What was life like before all this happened?

    I realize I'm asking a lot of questions, so don't feel obligated to respond to any or all or them. I just want to better understand what you're going through.
  12. NothingThereAllAlong

    NothingThereAllAlong Active Member

    I see someone read one of my older posts, I think to know that he plays video games, and watches TV all day! LOL! I used to want to marry him. I changed my mind now. LOL! I definitely changed my mind.

    He’ll just find someone else to have sex with, I’m sure. It’s not that hard, is it? Although, I think I provide good quality. Sorry, too much information. So, that would suck for him.

    I’m not even on medication anymore. I haven’t been for the longest time. I probably should be. I know that once this is said and done, I am going to have to see a therapist over it. It’s that bad. I have already had a lot of traumatizing things happen to me; before this. Now, this to add. I’m deeply traumatized over this.

    I want out of here, badly. I don’t have the money though. I’m not working, and I only have about 100 dollars left to my name, and that has to last me until the end of the month.

    Someone said, what if you said No to sex? He’d probably hurt me. He has gotten pretty violent over him not being able to “perform” before.

    I used to be eating disordered. Thus, I was very underweight. Now, I’m about 50 pounds overweight. Mainly the boyfriend thing, honestly. I had trouble before, but nothing like this.
  13. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    He's no more or less a person than you are. Don't let the way he treats you make you think he somehow has a position or power over you, tell him it has to stop or the next time he comes within 500 yards of you the police will be on him. I seriously doubt he's going to have anyone to run to if you dump him, that kind of attitude/lifestyle isn't very attractive in a person, abusive or no. Maybe you could book a vacation somewhere, dump him and go enjoy yourself, a fresh getaway on some tropical island. Meet someone new, there are thousands, millions of great guys out there that can treat you well and make everything seem a lot better if you just take the time to look around. With the height of the bar your current guy sets, I don't think you'll have to look very long to find improvement.
  14. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    You wrote that he's gotten mad at himself for not being able to perform, but has he ever blamed you?

    You indicated that he sometimes has trouble keeping an erection during sex. Impotence is very difficult for men to cope with. Our culture tells men to be virile and in control, but sometimes, the mind and the body aren't in sync, and an erection/orgasm is impossible. He probably has his own inner demons, and unfortunately, he takes them out on you. Or maybe he thinks that you enjoy the sex, that he is proving how "manly" he is by doing it so frequently.

    Just a thought.
  15. NothingThereAllAlong

    NothingThereAllAlong Active Member

    Oh, yes mad at me.

    Tropical island would be nice, but as mentioned I have no money, only about one-hundred dollars to my name…
  16. livingonlight

    livingonlight Active Member

    Thanks for sharing your story.
    I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I'm feeling I want to end my life also and really trying hard to find solutions.
    At least stay online with me for a while, it might help to distract yourself, it's helping me and ideas are coming on how to get help.
    Do you have MSN? If so PM me your sddress and we can chat.
  17. Love's Icy Death

    Love's Icy Death Well-Known Member

    if you lived near me then i would have no hesitation in saving you :arms: and beating the fucking shit out of this guy:mad:, he sounds like a complete and utter loser
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