I really hope this post is suitable for this forum. I have been on here for a while, but I don’t post that much. I read through the rules, and I couldn’t find anything against posting this. It’s pretty graphic though. Thus, I would recommend that you don’t read it if you aren’t ready to here a mouthful. I haven’t been posting here, because I have felt too shitty, and like too much of a complainer, but I guess it would help to be a little more active rather than hiding in the shadows. I hate myself so much. I’m thinking about getting a prescription filled, which I know will kill me. I think that I still have time to refill it before it runs out. It’s from last year. I stopped taking this said medication in September, but it’s powerful enough to kill me (especially the entire bottle). I also think that the pharmacy delivers, which is fantastic. I am going to call and check. Of course, I’ll mix it with something, and then something, and something. I’ll make the most wicked concoction that I can out of what I have. If that doesn’t work, I will be absolutely furious. I’m a nurse (though not working as one now, thus I am pretty skilled). I just wonder who will be the one to find me dead? Probably my apartment manager, or the janitor in the apartment building. We have this thing where we have to put out a sign everyday to make sure that we are OK. No, I don’t live in a nursing home. I live in an elderly type apartment building. I am not elderly, but am in my twenties. I only live here because the rent is relatively low (for my area), I have some health issues, and it’s pretty safe (although it sucks quite a bit here). I don’t have any ties in this town, or anyone out there who cares about me (anywhere). The people who know me; like my parents, and boyfriend already know my last wishes. They don’t really care if I commit suicide. No, I’m not joking. I have mentioned it before, and they just think that it’s great. They’re all a bunch of abusers anyway. In the last year, I have gained about one-hundred pounds, lost what little life I had, developed horrible acne, am no longer able to take care of myself, my apartment, my cat, and everything in my life went downhill. I’m no longer allowed or able to do my favorite hobbies. Everyday revolves around being controlled by my boyfriend. He doesn’t live with me, but I have to be home to accept his phone calls, I have to be home when he wants to do something (when none of his friends/family can do anything & there are no sports games on, I have to be his sex slave (even though I’m not a very sexual person, I have to pretend to be, giving him oral sex, and sex whenever he wants it). By the way, I lost my virginity to him at kind of an older age (mid twenties). I don’t think that I really wanted to, deep down, I just wanted him to like me, that’s the only reason why I do any of this (I’m so stupid like that). Oh well, he’s the only person who gives me any attention, even if it is just to use me. I was thinking about why I am so unhappy today. I never was happy to begin with, but I used to be in a better state of mind. It just sucks being controlled. I feel like there’s no escape except the ultimate escape. He lives right down the street. I can’t get away. I thought about telling him, “I want space.” A nice way of saying perhaps we shouldn’t be together. However, I feel guilty about it. I pretty much don’t get any sleep, because the only time I can relax at night is when my boyfriend is sleeping (although I worry most of the time, who wouldn’t). He works in the morning. I am supposed to accept all his text messages from work (well, any time actually), which come at random times, and respond to them within minutes. I am to be home at all times when he gets home from work, even though he calls me whenever he wants. Usually after he has gone out with his friends or family. For instance, yesterday (still seems like today to me), I went to sleep at about 2:00 PM, walked to a local store (I never do this) after my hour of sleep, and then had to wait for my boyfriend to call. I also had to stay up all night to worry about everything, with my “free time,” and then it was morning and afternoon “texting time.” He even tells me when I should be sleeping. The only time I know that I am safe from him is at night. I don’t have to worry about any of the garbage. I can just kind of sit back and try to relax. Although, it doesn’t work too well. I have been in abusive relationships before. One was very physically abusive. This is probably my second most abusive relationship. The other one was the physically abusive one. We have been “dating” for a long time, but we have not once done anything date like. A day with him normally consists of him either coming over, getting me to have sex with him, or give him oral sex. If we “go out” it’s to a local store, where he ditches me to look at DVDs and gaming systems while I get my groceries (with my money, of course). Then, we go back to his house; where he lives with his parents, and uses me for some type of sexual pleasure, and then takes me home. I’m only good for sex to him, but I’m basically his slave. I am his slave, actually. I have no say so in anything, not even what goes on in my life. However, a usual day consists of me going to his house, or him coming here, using me for sexual gratification, and then leaving. It sucks. The sex with him is not good either; not that it would be. I feel as though I am being raped. I am absolutely repulsed when he sticks his hands near my vagina. I have had men take advantage of me before: very unwillingly, thus it’s hard. Sex is also very painful because I am so tense. In addition, he has trouble keeping an erection, thus it makes it even worse. He gets violent over it, and it’s horrible. I dread it all. It seems to make it drag on and on. I almost want to run. I take that back, I do want to run from all of this. I am supposed to see him tomorrow/today. The last time I saw him was on Sunday. We went to the same local store as mentioned before, then back to his house for me to be used, and then he took me home. I’m sure that tomorrow will consist of something even crappier. He’s working for a couple hours in the morning (he can pretty much set his own schedule), and then his cousin is coming over (who is also his best friend) to sleepover, and hang out at night. That leaves a window of time open for me from about 1:00 p.m. to 4.00 p.m. That’s not enough time to do anything, but he claims that we’ll finally do something fun. Heh, yeah right, after a year. It’s not like if we did something it would be fun anyway. I am already tainted. He has already tainted me from ever having fun with him. I’m quite sure that it will just be another sex and leave thing. He’ll probably come over for like two hours, and then want to get ready to go out with his cousin. Hopefully, this is the only day this weekend that I’ll have to see him; not that it matters, there’s no real escape. Except the ultimate one. ;-) My life is on hold, but it’s going to be over, I think. I can’t go on anymore like this. I could be doing something with my life, but I am too emotionally fucked from all of the things that I have been through in my past (even before this relationship), and now. I’m traumatized. I don’t see how I could ever get out of this situation. There’s absolutely no way. I don’t have anyone who cares. My boyfriend lives right down the street. He could easily come up any time he wants, and he can spread rumors about me. He has a really “good” image. Of course, he makes my image to be out horrible, even though I think that I’m not too bad of a person. I’m not an attractive person from the outside, but deep down I know that I have a good heart, and that I am intelligent. What a shame for that all to be wasted. It has to be though. I don’t see a point for me being here.