My problems are miniscule

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mpang123, Dec 9, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I can't validate why I was born into this world. I had such a hard time dealing with the stressors in my life ie. mental illness. My chronic suicide attempts all failed and I'm forced to find a reason to keep living. Being partially bipolar and partially schizophrenic doesn't make it easier and I know my life is determined by my illness. I'm 44. Never married. No children. Not even fallen in love with anyone. I put up a wall when meeting guys so I look uninterested, I guess. People my age already had what I haven't and I don't see any reason to be around. I'm so sad that I'm missing so much in this world. I hate myself.
     
  2. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    Just know that at 44, it's never too late to marry, or have children (well, I'm not quite sure if it is too late for a 40-50 year old woman to have kids, but if you date younger you could have some:) or fall in love. My Aunt fell in love and was married at age 50. You're never too old to find a special someone. Age is really just a number. You can be 50 and feel 30. You can be your age, 44, and see the world through the eyes of a 21 year old if you wish. I should know because I sometimes see the world through the eyes of an 8 year old LOL.....just saying. Anyway, I know how you feel..sort of. EVeryone my age, 19-23 already are married, fallen in love, and have had kids so I'm in a similiar situation. However, I suppose our situations and obviously feelings differ because I personally believe I'm still too young to be "settling down." Just like you're never too old to settle down with anyone. And even if you never find anyone special, you can still do things that are special. Like travel the world, or if you can't travel the world, take delight in life's simple pleasures. I take delight in a small pleasure....going to the grocery store and buying bakery foods. Donuts. Anything sweet. I love doing that simple act of buying food that's crappy for my body. I'm going to do it today actually. Hope you feel better.
     
  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Am I going through mid-life crisis? I had a total hysterectomy already, I'm on hormone replacement, and I'm moody as hell. One day I'll be fine and then the next day I'm falling apart. For those who know me, that's my pattern. I guess I'm just feeling really down right now. I have several suicide plans here and I'm fighting to resist the temptations. My social worker thought I've been relatively stable for several months now and so he is only going to see me every other week instead of every week. I think my borderline traits are kicking in because I'm afraid of relapsing because of him, but then I want to prove to him that I can make it. I'm trying soooo hard right now and my therapist noticed something wrong with me today cuz he thinks I look exceptionally tired. Well, I had a rough weekend. Last Friday, I couldn't even wake up and when I did, I heard my social worker knocking on my door. I wasn't even ready but at least I got to see him. However, that's the day he thought I could see him less. I just agreed with him with the hopes that I am doing better than what I think and that I can prove to him and me that it's true. Then, because I have possession of some things that I was entrusted with, now I'm having the urges to OD on them. Then Saturday night, I fell twice while waking up to use the bathroom and to get some water. It scared me because I never felt so dizzy and weak in my entire life. I crawled to my door to unlock it and got my phone next to me in case I fall again. However, I made it back to bed and slept it off. I never was so scared before. I am going to my doc tomorrow and check my blood sugar to see if I'm diabetic. I'll dread it if I am. I have now made sure I eat something before I go to bed and when I wake up just so I won't feel lightheaded again. I feel I'm falling apart and I have no real contact with anyone who knows all the things that I process here. You are my family and support. You know me more than anyone in my life. That's the truth and that's real sad. I have no true connections to anyone outside this forum.
     
  4. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    First, let me agree with you and say that it is kind of sad when complete strangers can know more about us than the people we're supposed to be close to or even are close to but they are still in the dark about how we truly feel and what we truly think.

    It sounds like you don't want to feel the way that you do, and that you do want to get better, happier. I know you probably think "well, that's obvious," but I know a lot of people who just ...give up and don't care how they're feeling. They become numb to their own pain. They don't want to get better. They don't care about being happy. You seem like the kind of person who is at least strong enough to live one more day. What's kept me alive so long is my single-minded determination to accomplish my dream. Find something that you really want and promise yourself that you won't give up until you have it.
     
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Hmmmmm, Juicy, for my age, I should have already know what my dream is in this world. I guess right now is to help others who are struggling too that are here in this forum.
     
  6. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    I had it all. A husband, a kid who was pretty good, good family, lots of money etc. And yet, I was miserable and lonely. Today I am divorced, have a kid who's struggling and will soon move out, barely enough money to get by on, still lonely, and sometimes back to being miserable. The forum here is where my friends are. I guess I'm saying I had it all and still with the mental illness it wasn't enough. You are on hormone replacement and that is to be factored in. Talk to your pdoc and social worker - I sometimes hide how I'm feeling to them also and everyone thinks I'm ok but that's because I'm faking it. Like you I wish my life was different. But maybe we're meant to be this way.
    {hugs}
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2013
  7. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I guess it's finding contentment in our lives that will give us happiness. For right now, I'm happy because I have found this forum, thus I am content with this at least.
     
  8. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    Age shouldn't have anything to do with it. The important thing is that NOW you do have a dream or a vision of the kind of person you would like to be or life you would like to lead. Better late than never. Better now than never. Helping others on this forum is something that you enjoy doing, or at the very least, it gives you some kind of purpose in life, no matter how slight that may be (and in my opinion, helping others isn't a slight purpose, it's a huge purpose. Just talking to someone about their day or what they're going through, you being the person to do that and being the person to give them that comfort of knowing SOMEONE in this world is there for them, even if they're miles away, can make all the difference).
     
  9. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    mpang, I see that you are encouraging others despite your predicament. That's admirable you know.

    There are many others who need people like you, do be strong and monitor your condition because you have every right to live.
     
  10. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Juicy, I admit I get rewarded from the inside when I make a difference in someone else's life. Even if the person doesn't accept it or ignores it, at least I know I sincerely tried to help. I try to associate my personal experience to encourage someone else who's struggling with similar issues like mine. Likewise, I tend to trust someone if that person knows personally what I'm going through.
     
  11. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    MessengerFromHell, funny thing is that at group today, I learned that I'm much stronger than I think I am. That is something I'm working on to believe in.
     
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