My problems may seem small.....but they are killing me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by laclippers504, Mar 15, 2010.

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  1. laclippers504

    laclippers504 New Member

    I read some of the posts on here and it helps to know that others are going through similar battles just with different situations in their life. For me, my problems may seem insignifigant or small, but they are all so real, and the other things that I have been through in my life that may have lead someone else to suicidial thoughts did not, but all of this sure did.

    I am 25 years old, I am a male, you could say I have things going for me, I have a couple bachelors degrees, I have a chance to have sucess in the music world as a recording artist, and I have a mother and father who care about me. I get all that, trust me I do. But throughout my life, I was never secure with girls. I was always scared. I had surgeries as a kid on my penis that made it kind of small and I grew up always worried about that, always worrying if I would be good enough, when you worry and spend so much time thinking about that it tends to take alot out of you. I always let that get in the way of me opening up, until I got to a certain point a couple years ago and said forgetit, a girl will love me for more than my penis. The change in mentality is great but its hard to get back all the time that I spent dwelling on the problem, and I still have a small penis. Anyway, I have had one girlfriend all my life, and not to sound contradictory, as soon as I decided I could open up to girls, no girl seemed good enough, you know? I guess I spent my whole life wanting to be with somebody, was too scared too open up, and now that I started opening up, all the girls that wanted to be with me did not meet my standards and the ones I wanted to be with just shot be down. The only girlfriend I ever had to this day says it was the biggest mistake she ever made to break up with me. Girls tell me I am the nicest guy ever, and they wish they had a guy like me. So anyway, I guess it was about a year ago, I was head over heels for a coworker, and I let her know, she shot me down, but I didnt give up hope based on the circumstances of the situation. Around this time, we highered a new employee, who come to find out was a person my mom knew. The girl, 6 yrs prior at the age of 13 had a serious bout with cancer, my mom, having had cancer 3 times herself, basically took this girl in as she experienced the struggles of going through the rigours of treatment. To make a long story short this girl and I seemed like we hit it off at work. I remember a friend of mine telling me that this girl could be the one. So let me fast forward........It was around June of last year I broke down and I told this girl how I felt about her. Apparently it caught her off guard, she didnt know how to respond, summer was approaching and work was about to end but she promised we would spend summer together, hanging out, getting to know one another more. At the time she was dating a guy, it wasnt serious, but she stayed dating him. Summer came and we spent zero time together, but I spent everyday texting her, seeing how she was, telling her I cared for her, basically just waiting while she dated this other guy. I will never forget, it was a day in August when she sent me a text telling me that she missed me and that she had been foolish for leaving me in the wings all this time. My graduation dinner was coming up and I asked her to be my date. She said yes, and basically we spent the next 3 months from Sept-November dating, hanging out everyday, me taking her to school etc etc. Along the way, I constantly asked her to be my girlfriend, she never said yes, but she was always close, at least she would say, I dont know, but I guess the constant wondering why she didnt say yes got to me and it hurt me, we started to argue about it, we talked about the future alot too and I think it scared her. Basically since December on we have argued, right now she says we are just friends its so hard for me to deal with. We went from talking about a future together to now just being friends, its so dark inside. I think of the times we have, how I love her so much and everything I have done for her. I feel so alone, I want her to be here but she is not. I keep thinking she will come around. The tough part is having to see her at work everyday, it does not help my cause, she gets mad if I do not talk to her, but when I do, I end up telling her how I feel of being all dramatic. This hurts so bad. I remind myself of everything that was said, but I am scared she will go off withsomebody else and that will devastate me, as it is, I feel devastated now. She is my everything. I dont expect anybody to respond, this sounds trivial compared to many of the other problems but it is so real for me. She is the girl I would die for, I would do anything for her. I love her so so so much. This pain though, sometimes it is almost to much to bear. I have caused so much dissension in my family because of it, I have lost desire to do anything, been dropped by my manager, lost alot of friends, I get sick all the time, and I have a bunch of health problems now. I just want to be with her, start a future you know? I know she is young, but I can wait, as long as I know we are waiting together. I dont know, am I wrong for thinking like this? Am I that messed up. Does she love me. People tell me she does not, but they dont know what we have been through, what we go through. Sometimes I do sit back and say "wow, you have done soooooo much for her" and when i tell people they are like "wow" "your amazing" but i guess she got used to all that and expected it. i dont know. I need a miracle, this road I am on now is rough, rocky and dark. Pray for me.
  2. weevil

    weevil Well-Known Member

    Your problem isn't trivial, it matters to you. Everyone can think of someone else who appears to have worse problems. Let yourself take it seriously.

    I felt this way about a girl last year, she didn't want a relationship with anyone but I hoped eventually she'd change her mind. Hoping someone will change their mind is never a good stragety and will lead to a lot of hurt. Something kind of bad happened between us that REALLY tore me apart but I kept her in my life hoping that still things would turn around, I tortured myself with it as it seems that you're doing.

    I know this isn't how you want things to be but from what you said I don't think this girl was ever in the same place you were with her feelings and it doesn't look likely she will ever be. You will only hurt yourself more by clinging onto this hope for you and her. You won't believe it now but you can move on and get over her, it's hard and will be a lot harder if you try to be friends and keep seeing her. You'd be surprised how quickly your feelings drop when you stop seeing someone so regularly.

    Just think, this time last year you hadn't even met her and were probably thinking you would never find someone you felt so strongly for. There is so much more time for someone else to appear for you to feel this way about, who does share the feelings with you. Imagine if someone had told you about her this time last year, you wouldn't have believed it.
  3. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    You can't compare your problems to other people's problems. As my mom once told me, "shit is shit" (basically, a problem is a problem no matter how trivial it may seem).

    I don't know how to deal with romantic problems, I draw a complete blank. I can only hope things get better for you.
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