I'm very new here and though I've read most of the rules I was genuinely unsure on where I should post this (and to be honest how careful I had to be with the post). The thing that is currently causing my suicidal feelings is certainly a 'triggering' subject so I'm not going to go into any details what so ever. I had a bad experience growing up with a boy I 'dated' back when I was 12-13 years old. I'm wondering how much I'm allowed to say here, so if there's anything wrong with it I apologise. I was in a sexual relationship at the time with this boy. He had brought up something he wanted to do, I said no. He brought it up about 4 times all together in just a few weeks and each time I said no, the last time I was very firm. One day he decided to do it I guess. I was not expecting what happened and was completely oblivious he planned to do it (or that he was even partially undressed) until he actually did it. The pain was bad enough for a second I couldn't talk but I managed to get my breath and tell him to stop, which he did immediately. I had an injury from it and the actual act of it was extremely painful. At the time it upset me a lot because I had said no so many times previously and I felt embarrassed and ashamed I had been so 'stupid'. A guy asked me to date him a month or so ago and that brought back a lot of uncomfortable thoughts. I started struggling to sleep and even started dreaming of the boy I dated. I was asked by a psychologist to attempt meditation just over a week ago. For whatever reason my mind would wander and I would begin remembering events in my life I had repressed. I don't know how to describe them besides saying that my memory of the event before this was fairly foggy and I now can remember everything that happened perfectly. Within a few days I was having very vivid memories to the point I could feel and hear and see what happened between my ex and I. It's strange really, even when I'm not meditating I can lose myself into the memories. I've not eaten a meal in days and I'm barely able to fall asleep. I ended up writing down the entire event, even quite descriptive details of everything hoping it would help, I'm really ashamed how badly I'm affected by this. I decided to show it to my psychologist. I don't really know what I expected but I wasn't expecting him to be so horrified. I certainly wasn't expecting to be told that what had occurred had been rape. I disagreed with him, I had even been told by sexual assault specialists that it had been "just 2 teenagers experimenting". He also feels I have PTSD which I know very little about. He seemed really horrified that nobody took me to see a doctor or nurse about the injury I sustained at the time, to be perfectly honest nobody cared. He asked permission to refer me to a rape and sexual assault center which I refused, I don't want to waste valuable resources when it can go to somebody who went through such a thing. I've known quite a lot of abuse and rape victims over the years and I've been told in confidence what they went through in great detail. I feel like I would be... I don't know, I feel like I would be doing a very bad thing to label myself or even consider myself to have been assaulted considering the boy I dated stopped the act when I told him to. It's causing me a lot of issues as you can probably tell. I have no idea what to think or what to do, all I know is that I feel very guilty and very ashamed and it's really painful to remember this stuff and to remember how I felt during and afterwards. I feel bad about posting this here and for bringing this subject up but I couldn't think of where else I could possibly write this and not receive too negative a reaction (I've heard good things about this place). I don't know what's wrong with me or why I'm reacting so badly to this. I hope this is okay to post here and this doesn't sound too bad.