My Rant/Vent

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dice, Nov 19, 2011.

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  1. dice

    dice Well-Known Member

    Ok this is my first post. I've read a little bit on this forum from time to time but I've recently gotten much worse and finally felt the need to post here. I little personal background about myself. I'm a 25 year old guy, I recently graduated college and currently live with my parents and have what most people could consider a nice full time job. On paper I really have a perfect life and I know there are people in third world countries with problems far worse than mine. By all means I should be happy but I can't stand my life.

    I've probably had depression all my life. Though I have never actually been officially diagnosed with depression it isn't hard to guess that this is what I'm suffering from. I have always been under the belief that things will get better for me as I age. I love every New Years because I like to think well at least this next year can't be worse than the one before it. Unfortunately this hasn't held true. I can remember thinking middle school will be better than elementary, high school better than middle, college better than high school, and the real working world better than college. Unfortunately at every step of the way I'm still unhappy.

    I've recently come to terms with myself with something I've probably been trying to deny for awhile. I'm bisexual and just beginning to accept myself for who I am. I think in many ways I've been in denial. I've glanced at guys and thought they were attractive, I've even done some stuff with guys in the bedroom but convinced myself that I was in it for the feeling and nothing more. Anyway no one knows or even really has any clue about my sexual orientation. My friends might be ok with it but I have a feeling they would all treat me differently. I know for sure that they can't keep a secret. There hasn't been a thing I can recall that I have told someone in confidence that hasn't somehow got out there so I know once I tell one person I may as well tell everyone.

    Ok well fast forward a bit to this week. I have somewhat of a friend who has had some issues. He is a cutter and has attempted suicide in the past. Anyway he recently had another attempt and I feel like I'm going to lose him and can't deal with the stress.
    My grandmother is also dying. Her mind has kind of already went only recently has her body also been having problems. Well the other day my dad calls me into the other room to tell me some news. I thought for sure he was going to say my grandma died but as it turns out it was a family friend. This has kind of been like a blow that has just kicked me when I'm already down.

    I also really don't like my job. It is really the perfect job for someone with my skill set but I'm just miserable all day. I make a good salary however and I thought I'd be happy if I had money. I now have more money than I really know what to do with seeing as how I have no expenses living with my parents. My boss also mentioned that he wants to try to get me a raise. I thought for sure this would be good news but it has really only depressed me further. I've found that I really have no interest in money and while I have thought all my life it could solve problems I have just came to the realization that it doesn't do much of anything.

    Anyway yesterday I was about the worst I have ever been. I was seriously considering suicide and really was just so down. I won't go into details about how I wanted to do it but I wanted a way that would leave things to fate without any drastic effects of a failed attempt. I was researching methods and had really settled on a way. I was debating where to do it and when. I didn't want to rush to anything but I have been feeling bad for so long. I ended up getting a call from my mother saying she needed me for something at her office. That call may have saved my life but it hasn't really helped me to feel better. I still hate my life and want it over but I am not feeling as bad as yesterday. Anyway this is my rant, thank you to those that have listened.
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i think you will make it. do your best.
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Depression is a disease that affects successful people as well as all the other portions of society.

    And confusion about your sexuality, or having problems accepting it aren't uncommon. There's even a forum here for people to discuss that and related topics.
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