my rant

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by IV2010, Apr 16, 2010.

  1. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    some of you know I lost a child to suicide.....
    that's how I found this forum..
    I spent so long trying to help him but he wouldn't help himself.....
    gees I've spent most of my life getting help to stay and look after my children....
    therapy worked for me....
    meds worked for me...
    he wouldn't even try...too proud ..
    men don't need that sort of help his father taught him...well now his father knows men do need that sort of help...
    he talked about suicide constantly and I tried hard to help him because I loved him so much..
    but oh it was hard to hear how much he hated himself....
    i'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm useless he'd say....he was none of those things...
    he thought nobody cared...we did...just some of the family had a weird way of showing it....
    he had a family, a home, a beautiful car, a hobby, a good job..friends..
    it wasn't enough because he wouldn't get help to fight this horrible disease called depression...
    I convinced him to get some meds at christmas...he said he would straight after the holidays....he never made it.....
    he drank too much, professed his love for a girl and she didn't respond...it was the last straw in a myriad of worries....he took his life..2 days after christmas....
    nothing will ever be the same again...parents should not have to bury their children..
    birthdays, christmas, mothers and fathers day, easter and family gatherings...never the same..there is a sadness...he is missing..
    I want my beautiful son back...
    I am losing my mind...my health is affected..
    I will die of a broken heart ....this pain is excruciating..
    his sister is now suicidal and so am I....
    I don't want to die but I don't want this pain...
    I wonder if he's watching and fighting another hell where he sees how much he has made us suffer....
    I love him dearly but I'm angry at what he's done...
    I don't want sympathy...I just want to tell my story ...I just want to rant...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 16, 2010
  2. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    you tried so hard to get him help :hug: men, are men, some realise that they need help, but others do not, im so sorry, that your son took his own life, and that now as a direct result both you and your daughter have become suicidal :hug: you have every right to be angry at him. keep posting it does it good to get it off yout chest :arms: well done for telling our story, as its not an easy one to share! How does it feel to see it posted?
     
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I am in disbelief that I've actually written it...it was so hard to talk about....let go a lot of the anger from inside....
    thanks for caring...
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just letting you know I read your post, and I care. :hug: You can rant here anytime you want to.
     
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Like Alison I want to let you know i read your post and my heart goes out to you...rant away! We are here for you and are listening.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I was so angry too it is a part of grieving im told.anger at him at me I am glad you vented you got the anger out so it is not eating away at your inside. Keep venting okay Your son is probably looking down and wishing he hadn't had caused you all this pain He would not want that for you or his sister I hope his sister is getting help to cope It is a very hard illness this depression so all the supports one can get the should. take care i feel your sadness your pain and hope it lessens someday
     
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    thank you cownes, wildcherry, bambi and violet for caring...
    :grouphug:
     
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm proud of you for sharing something that we all tend to try and bury... anger. But getting out and seeing that others cares can make you feel a little less angry. I hope it did for you. Hun you did all you could. I hope one day you will see that. Until then you have friends here that will help you through the really shit spots and even the good ones you will find. :arms:
     
  9. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry IV for what you and your family have to go through. Its not your fault.
     
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    thank you carla and sudut..your words help....HUGS
     
  11. summerschild

    summerschild Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you and your daughter are going thru such pain. I know that was not what your son intended. You are so brave to share this with us. And I agree with the others. Please let it out. Rant all you want. You have more than earned that right. If ever you want to talk I'm here for you. PM me anytime. ((hugs)) for you and your daughter. I am so proud to be your friend. You are my hero.
     
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    you're so kind....I woke up today and thought "what have I done?"..
    couldn't get to sleep till 5.00am thinking about the post...
    :hug::flowers:
     
  13. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I feel bad for men, with all the social stigmas they have to face. Not being able to show weakness, not being able to accept help...

    If stigmas like these didn't exist, maybe men in crisis could get more help before it's too late.

    This is just...terrible.
     
  14. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    Don't blame yourself and try your best to move on. Don't let the grief consume you!

    You sound like a very strong mother and you should stick around and be strong for your family and in remembrance of your son. Lots of moms who have lost children to suicide do a lot of good things to make parents aware of the pain of losing a child and the ways to prevent it.

    Though I will say in my opinion I don't exactly feel that everyone can be saved.....But trying is the best thing you can do no matter what. Try a little harder everyday and learn to manage your feelings both good and bad. Misery is just as much a part of life as happiness is.
     
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    you are so right things....
     
  16. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    thanks D....
    I do believe not everyone can be saved too but at least they should try help first...thanks....