Hi hon,
It is completely understandable that you are scared right now, after what you have been through, the way you feel right now is natural. You've said it is pointless to ask for help again, due to your previous experience, but there can be no harm in asking. Tell them what is going on for you, and dig your heels in. You deserve support, and people need to give it to you. Why should you be expected to cope with this by yourself? You shouldn't. Can you talk to family or friends about what is going on for you? It doesn't take the pain away, but talking can help, just so someone knows where you're at. Everybody needs somebody. Don't give up this fight, I know how hard it is, but please, keep going. You may not see the strength you possess, but I can. The fact you have got through this much, you have come this far, proves that. I really do think you need some extra support at the moment. Please ask. You have nothing to lose if it doesn't go to plan, and you could gain a lot. Until then, keep posting here, talk to family and friends. Are you on any medication? That could help with anxiety, or give you a more comfortable nights sleep, which won't make it all go away, but could make you feel better equipped to deal with it. If you aren't on medication, it could be worth going to the doctor, and explaining what's going on.
Please feel free to PM me any time if you need to talk
Take care :hug: