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My Reasons for contemplating "it" (May contain trigger words)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sadhart, Sep 25, 2011.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    So this is my first post in going into my journey when it comes suicide. There are many reasons why I feel my life is not worth going on with and this is one of those reasons. It's hard to write this all out because it is still painful, but I will try to make sense and not sound bias.

    starting in 2007 I transferred to a four year college and ended up liking this girl. We were never a couple...when we first met, she had a bf, but the next year they broke up, and I mustered up the courage to ask her if we could talk sometime.

    Fast forward to the first months of 2009. even though i was nice to her and never tried to be forward or come on too strong, i got rejected in a demeaning and confusing way. It was demeaning because it sounded like I turned her off but the reasons were confusing. on one end I was awkward and i did "way too much" what i did was give her a simple card for the holidays, a christmas card that said happy holidays and a valentine card that said happy valentine's day. it wasn't a romantic card or anything, it was just a simple card with no hidden meaning. all i wanted to convey was that i was thinking of her and i hoped this would make her day somewhat nicer.

    Not to take her words out of context but once she rejected me, at the same time i turned her off, i also wasn't man enough. Basically i felt like I was some socially awkward weirdo, but not so much where she had no problem saying i wasn't man enough if that makes sense. I listened to her talk about guys she dated that seemed like they treated her like a trophy. I'm in no way saying I would have better than them, but she accepted them for the supposed jerks they were...for being nice to her in her eyes I needed to "man the f@#k up"

    The days leading to my attempted suicide were weird. I had been crying and hurting and turning to people that weren't really helpful and it was like a fuse had suddenly blown out in my brain and i felt nothing. it was a like a calm before a storm. i tried to look for other options besides suicide and i couldn't find any...those were the only times when i would cry. the other times, i just sat there feeling dead on the inside.

    I wrote two notes and one of them was to her. i wanted to be angry at her, to hate her, but i couldn't. i wrote the note the way i felt--with sadness and hopelessness. i told her I wasn't blaming her or anyone for my choice to kill myself but that i was tired of hurting. i know that she later responded to that email, but I never read it because her previous emails were cold and insensitive.

    I thought i had gotten over the pain of it all, but i haven't. i mean i have been rejected many times, but this one was different and i don't know why. I didn't go into full detail because I find it hard to explain everything at once; there have been times when i have done so and felt stupid for opening up. And I don't mean to villify her either; I just felt hurt by her words and actions. Sorry if what i wrote didn't make sense.
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I am sorry she hurt you and made you feel like a socially awkward weirdo. She does not seem like much of a catch to make you feel so bad and send you cold emails.
     
  3. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    I know how painful it can be when we really really like someone (so much it feels like love already) and then they don't feel the same way. But I guess the important thing to remember is we should never ever kill ourselves over someone, or a number of someones. No matter how badly they treat us, as long as we remember we're good people life becomes worth living.
     
  4. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    You're right but it wasn't just over her...things were just bad during that time and it was becoming very overwhelming.
     
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