My Reasons for wanting to kill myself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DeathGoth, Mar 16, 2010.

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  1. DeathGoth

    DeathGoth Member

    I was looking on the internet for statistics on suicides and fell across this site.

    In a previous post i stated that I am thinking about killing myself and last night i was mean to a member on accident.. becki I am really sorry about that, really I am..

    Anyway what lead me to the point of where I am at today. It is alot of things that lead people to where they are in a situation like this, for me started growing up. In a past post i made about after death from suicide i stated i didnt believe in god from about age 12 on. The reason for this was they would talk about god loving and caring for you and when I go home I didnt see it. I was one of those kids that got the shit kicked out of him for simple things.. a couple of examples would be..
    Lose a house key you get beat with a hammer and 2x4..
    Dinner was cold the dish gets smashed over your head..

    Anyway living till i was almost 18 in that situation gave me a pretty grim outlook on life. I decided to bottle the shit up that I went through as a kid and try to move on.

    My 1st relationship was at age 22 with a girl who was 10 yrs older than I, this relationship ended because I started noticing that I was treating her like my father was treating me, so i ended it.. She didnt want me to told me to get help but i felt it was best if I did.

    After this incident i felt real bad for what I did and slit my wrist because i felt shamed for having done to her what my father did to me.

    A couple yrs later after this some things in my life werent going to well and I decided to take 2 bottles(big) of sleeping pills, downed with JD and beer. took roughly 4 minutes to down 200 pills. The people i was staying with called 911, I decided to leave the house. I ran around the area I live all night and ended up in some guys back yard. I dont know where tf I was and how I got there, I remember having a conversation with myself and so on and so forth. effects of the drugs appearently.. The cops came swore i was on crack and threw me in jail for 3 days with this shit still in my system. I was bailed out on the promise to get help for myself.

    Needless to say I spent a yr in a therapist office to learn I didnt feel the way I was because he said I wasnt.. I stopped going. havent been to one since.

    8/11/01 I had a house fire that burned everything that I owned, I put the saying like this, I moved in with a med sized uhaul moved out in a shopping card, ya no lie.

    9/11/01 we all know what happened then, this is where part of me went on a paticular path.

    around my bday 01 i locked myself in a room for a couple weeks and wouldnt come out, I secluded myself from everyone, my kids, g/f whoever, I ended up losing my job because I wouldnt leave the room.

    fast forward to the last 2 yrs..

    My life wasnt going swell I though the girl i was with(kids mother) didnt want anything to do with me, we would never talk not even about the kids, so I found someone online who I was chatting with and we ended up meeting.. This person said all kinda promises to me that made me believe that she was real. I told her i wasnt a normal person that I was special(aspie) she said ok fine I can deal with that. I told her that i didnt work because of my issue and all that fun shit, she started noticing paterns in my that lead her to believe I was telling the truth..

    Anyway fast forward to aug to oct last year. She decided that she thought i was using her for her money, now i was fine where i was before I met this person I didnt have issues with money and didnt need her for her money. I came here because I thought she genuinely loved me and cared for me. Anyway every time we would get into a fight she would bring up money as an issue. so she told me to leave, I ended up meeting up with my brother after 15 yrs within this yr he said i can live with him.

    oct through jan i wouldnt return any of her calls and see her like she wanted me to, this person threw me out and wanted me to still see her. I wasnt having any part of it. I have a car that we put in her name for a short time because of legal issues i had on that car for 3 months. so i can drive it around, she came down on 10/31 and stole my car told me something about fucking someone and that she wouldnt have no part in it(not like she gets the full image anyway but meh) and says it is her car that she can do what she wants with it. needless to say she jacked my car and didnt have a real good reason. I know the reason why she did it.. because she was pissed i wasnt talking to her or going to see her. but she wanted me in her life to jack my car.

    jan my brother and I got into a fight about rent because he wasnt working and I wasnt working, She suggested to me that i come here again.. i stupidly agreed again..

    a couple weeks ago she hands me a paper saying i have to pay her 400 bucks a month for rent or i get my own ins pay 350 or own phone pay 300 or something along them lines. i was working a job 20 hrs a week making 9 bucks an hr.. I saw this as the same shit that went down over the summer. I got emotional about it and yelled at her, not only that she stole a tax return i had coming for about 800 bucks. She tells me that whatever i do i have to leave within 45 days. a week ago i lost my job.. so now I am basically fucked for money and a place to stay.. friday thanks to her not allowing me to use her car because mine was supposed to get fixed but didnt brake issue.. I had a custody hearing for my kids and now I cant see them..

    All this has lead me to my life today.. I lose my life all in a couple weeks. and i am supposed to see a positive in this.. I dont..

    I think everyday about killing myself but on the back end I cant because I have a general idea of things that might happen after you kill yourself.. I tried back then because I didnt have a real clue about it.. today much different story.. But sooner or later that will run thin and I will want to be free of this bullshit.

    Most of the time I am a decent person towards people and i try my hardest to do the right thing, even karma has taken a vacation when it comes to me.. But my issues I deal with them how I see fit.

    Yes spelling and grammer suck, thank you.. I like cheeze though..
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It sounds like in your life you have gone through an absolute nightmare of things, and also that, to this point, that have just built up and built up and you haven't really ever had a chance to properly deal with them (especially when you were seeing the useless therapist).

    I don't think there are many positives right now in what you have been through in the recent months. In due course, years down the line, there may be, but right now, I definitely hear that it all feels negative.

    Have you sought legal advice for all that has been going on? Also, are there any people/charities/organisation over there that help with job huntin?
  3. DeathGoth

    DeathGoth Member

    Legal advice, no.. I dont know what to do about it, its not like I have the money to go after her for it..

    She said she was owed the money on rent or something which wasnt told to me till after she jacked the loot.

    ya people say my life is fucked up, a few say i should have killed myself sooner(prior to this last couple yrs) and so on and so forth..

    I am trying like I said, I want to end this bs but i dont want to be on the ass end of a bad gig on the other side, belief is a bitch I tell ya..
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I would seriously seek legal advice, at the very least it might help remove some of your financial stress.

    Your life has been hard, but I don't agree you should have killed yourself, or even that you should kill yourself.

    I agree that beliefs can be complicated. We all hold our own beliefs on what happens after death but none of us actually know, it could be far worse than we think, it could be better, but sometimes its 'better the devil you know'.
  5. DeathGoth

    DeathGoth Member

    Well I dont know what to do.. A freind in china is helping me through this the best he can, moral support, he has been saying everything that has been going on the last 2 yrs so.. he has a good perspective of things.

    Another guy is trying to help me but he is to comical to get serious sometimes..

    I am trying to deal with it but this shit is rough.. Not able to see my kids, this girl turning on me, losing my job.. its just screwed up..
  6. DeathGoth

    DeathGoth Member

    I just want to also show something..

    I change of what I have become in the last 6 months or so.

    This is 11-15-09

    This image is.. 3-14-10

    I failed to mention in the last 22 days i ate 10 times maybe. because of this money shit this girl keeps screaming about.
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