my reasons

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by idvicious, Aug 15, 2013.

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  1. idvicious

    idvicious New Member

    i have to get this out.

    Here in the United States, we have no health care system, only a sick care system. Often times, help is not available until it is too late. And in my case...too late could mean I've already done it...

    Here are the reasons I want to take my own life:

    1) My mother is a drug addict and a hypochondriac who's been telling me she's dying of some disease or another since I was 5 years old. Where she does, in fact, have medical issues, it is impossible to separate reality from fiction. I have not spoken to her for nearly half a year now, but I've received word that she's recently attempted suicide, posting pictures of her slit wrists on her Facebook page.
    2) When I was 11 my best friend in the world/cousin had a brain stem stroke leaving her paralyzed from the neck down. During this time, my aunt kicked my ass in the hospital bathroom for crying.
    3) My first love, whom I dated for two years, committed suicide and left a note to me. It was absolutely my fault.
    4) I've recently discovered that the father who raised me is not my biological father. Upon meeting my biological father I discovered he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I contacted his youngest son, my half brother, who was initially quite supportive but eventually cut off all contact with me because the situation was “inhibiting his ability as an artist.”
    5) I've had more friends die of suicide/drug overdose than I could count on my fingers and my toes combined.
    6) Despite my severe work ethic, I have been unable to find a reliable employer. I've never been paid over minimum wage and I often wonder how I'll manage to eat. Despite having clear, distinct, and practical goals and aspirations, I lack any and all capital to make these dreams a reality.
    7) I have been rejected, alienated, demonized, and abandoned by absolutely everyone that has ever meant anything to me, excluding the father who raised me. At this point I am terrified of people, completely isolated, and completely alone.
    8) I lost my little dog of 18 years just a few months ago. I miss her so fucking much and I received little to no sympathy upon her death. Now I have a little cat and, sadly enough, she's the my number one consideration into not doing it. She'd be helpless.
    9) The one man I loved more than I've ever loved anyone before beat the shit out of me, threw me down a flight of stairs. And upon my crying on the floor, bleeding, begging him not to go...berated me with verbal abuse, making sure I knew how pathetic I looked. Despite this treatment I continue to think of him and miss him every single day. It's been 2 years.
    10) I consistently allow myself to be terribly degraded during sex.
    11) I've held jobs in which I was required to terribly degrade others during sex.
    12) I came within a few hours of marrying a sociopath. It was the single most terrifying experience of my life. Too much to describe in short.
    13) For the past several years I've experienced an uncontrollable behavior in which I compulsively repeat the phrase, “I hate myself and I want to die.” and sometimes hit myself, with great force, in the jaw. I worry that I may accidentally dislocate it.
    14) I have been raped once, and nearly raped another time. In both cases, no one believed me and I suffered severe consequences for attempting to reach out.
    15) I despise my physical and emotional self.
    16) Etc.

    If this reads as a cry for help, good. That is my intention. I'm begging and pleading for help. I need therapy. I need the help of a professional. I am begging for help before I hurt myself.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I read your post hun and it is so sad that you have been neglected and abused The first step in getting professional help is either through your doctor who will give you referral or by going into hospital emergency and letting them know how desperate you are. YOU DESERVE only compassion and care and understanding The community in which you live may have free counseling for victims of rape all kept confidential Also if there is a university near you they will also give you support for a decreased fee these are new psychologist or pdoc almost graduation in their last year.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

  4. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    I read your post. You are a good writer. You have written things well. The fact that you know that you have gone hrough much suffering and turmoil means you can fix it. Yo can become strong and overcome all difficulties. The best part is you know what is wrong and what is right. I am sure you can help yourself and fix your life. Only you can do it with help from others. Keep writing here. God bless you !!!!!
  5. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hope you do find help and that you continue to reach out here.

    we're all supporting you
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