My regrets from the last few days.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Amber, Aug 12, 2011.

  1. Amber

    Amber Active Member

    I'm so embarrassed and I HATE myself for all of these things that I did. I don't REALLY want to say it to anyone but I feel like I HAVE to. I'm scared about it all. I'm not sure if I was manic or what but basically...

    I stole some weed from my dad even though I HATE weed and smoked it. It was just a small amount and i DONT know why I took it but I did..

    Then a day later my mom called me at about 10pm. I don't think I was doing anything earlier in that day that would go along with my strange behavior but I went over there at night.. But before I got there I got this HUGE amount of energy and started shaking. I had my credit card on me that I had decided goes JUST for gas. But i bought a party pack of mikes hard lemonade and some snacks with it.

    I got to my moms and we just hung out that night drinking and talking but I was dizzy the whole time and I don't know why. About 3am rolled around and I really didn't want to spend the night but I did.. she slept but I couldn't at all I just tossed and turned.

    the next day she finally got up and I had planned on going home but our friend tim showed up at her place before we could. He's cool so I stuck around. Then he left and I decided that I'd leave in about 20 min.. but tim called back and asked if we'd like to hang out or something later. So I stayed at moms. Her and her friend decided theyd buy me a new outfit and stuff and she said if she didn't use the money on me she'd buy crack with it which made me feel really just confused about what to do. but they got me the outfit and I liked it.

    Anyway, then we left to go to Tim's house but we stopped at my moms friends on the way and they were just all these drunk guys by a fire.. we talked for a bit and left to tims. We had a good dinner there and I was really happy.. afterwards I just wanted to go home but my mom said we gotta go back to those guys place.. so I said just for a LITTLE bit.

    That turned into like 5 hours. we ended up at the BAR. and I spent like $40 on my card because I'm STUPID. By the end this guy was totally flirting. But we gave him a ride there he was my moms friend so we had to give him one back.

    We got back to his place and he had a crack pipe out. My mom saw it and that was the end. She needed some crack. I told her no youre not taking my car to get that shit. She said it'll be ok. So she got it and they smoked. Then we went to my moms and this guy was hitting on me and I didn't really like him.. but he kissed me. He explained he couldn't get his thing up unless he was wearing crotchless pantyhose and it sortof freaked me out because i didnt want to do THAT anyway. I was happy it didn't get out of control.

    I was drunk and ended up taking a hit of crack. OMG this is the worse part of it all. I HATE myself. :(

    I still didn't sleep that night, I was just so ashamed of what had happened. NONE of this ever had happened before. It was like I had a lapse of judgement and I HATE it.

    So I got home today and my dad told me to stay out of his room so I know he knows I took the weed and now I just feel suicidal.

    I feel like I'm just crazy and can't ever say no to people. I feel like I should never see my mom again because of how she treats me.

    Now I feel physically ill. I got about 6 hours of sleep but I'm still just so dizzy and feel like I have tunnel vision. Also I'm just beating myself up emotionally.. Ugh
  2. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    There really is no reason to beat yourself up. Just try and take it easy for a while. Stay away from that kind of stuff. you dont want to get yourself addicted. It's not a road you should go down. Once you go down it, it's hard to get back. You should just try and do something nice for yourself. Like a day to yourself. Calming things. a nice bath, reading, writing and spend a day like that instead of following all those impulses. It's good that you regret doing those things, because if you didn't that'd obviously be bad, because it'd show that you have no conscious about the things you did. I don't know if any of that made sense, or even helped. I'm not the best with advice, but I'm here if you need me, you can PM me anytime. Please take care. Relax. I dont want to see you go down the wrong paths.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you need to stay clear of all the people who are poisonous in you life hun
    You mother and father not very good examples for you.
    Try not to beat yourself up but try to get supportive people in your life okay someone who will guide you and keep you away from the harmful people not introduce you to them hugs
  4. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member

    I agree with what has been said, completely.

    It is kinda a good thing that you're beating yourself up - because that isn't who you want to be and you know it.

    I did notice the person named Tim seemed like a better influence, you seemed contented and happy when he was involved - but it seemed when he wasn't around was mostly when the choices were made to do things you regret.

    I think developing will-power is hard, but I think you know you don't want to do these things, so you will need to find "outs". I don't even know what to suggest - Maybe a cat or something - even an imaginary one. When your Mom suggests doing something that you know isn't "you", just say you'll take a pass, you need to get home and care for the cat.

    You don't say much about your Dad, whom you live with. Is it a relationship that is good for you? If it is - repair your damage, admit your guilt, rebuild your trust. If it isn't, start thinking about a way out.

    Like TE said - you are in the midst of some toxic people to you. I have been there. You have to get away from them.