My relationship with self harm

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by tx915, Nov 20, 2011.

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  1. tx915

    tx915 Active Member

    Was okay today but I've been milling over injuring myself tonight. I was musing on this love affair with self harm I've had. My therapist asked me last week if I could envision never harming myself again. I replied with a very fast "no!". This is NOT pro-self harm. Just some feelings and... hopelessness.

    I started out at a young age banging my head on walls and furniture when I'd get upset. Was a way of dealing with the parental neglect, no physical or sexual abuse from them - just a good amount of abuse by neglect. It was such an impulsive thing then. All I understood was that I felt relief from these situations and from the emotional void I felt.

    In my teenage years I moved to cutting myself. It started out as uncontrolled, wild crazy slashing. I wanted certain people to see it. This was more my cry for help stage. I knew I needed help but didn't know what help I needed or how to get it. After a few years in this time period I took my self injury into hiding again. This was an important time period. I had fallen into alcohol and drugs for the first time and that was numbing but didn't satisfy my need for control. These years were when I started my ritualizing during the act of self harm. It was no longer an uncontrolled impulsive act. It was something planned, laid out... scheduled.

    I stopped here and there for short periods of time. Had to when I was pregnant. Those Drs. visits are pretty invasive and I was so worried about losing my kids because I was crazy.

    When I restarted the injury on a regular basis I was in my 20's. The cutting wasn't enough. It didn't satisfy my need for pain or control. It was messier than I wanted to deal with. I started burning myself. That pain offered some control... and redemption for the life I blamed myself for. I blamed myself for the failed marriage, the uncountable stupidity on the drugs or booze and the feeling that I was deep down I was born a bad person. The fire felt cleansing and felt redemptive. Along with the living amends I committed myself to living there was my intimate amends through personal punishment and pain.

    I joke around about those people who go around Europe flogging themselves. I bet I could flog myself with the best of them.

    I wonder if I can ever transcend this need for punishment and can rise above the... probably undeserved guilt. It's hard seeing something from the outside and then converting it to the inside feelings. I hate the scars and feel such shame after the act. Sometimes it feels like every time I hurt myself I'm only reinforcing my self created idea that I'm, at a base level, bad.

    On a positive note, the medication seems to be helping some. The therapy is also helping quite a bit. The time in between acts has gotten longer. I wonder what will eventually permanently break the cycle or if I'll always have it in the back of mind, filed away until my life explodes again. It's been over 20 years since I started and maybe it's an unreasonable expectation that stopping something like this will go away quickly or quietly.

    Well this distracted me for quite a while. Mission accomplished :) <3
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 20, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you were able to occupy your mind by posting hun I do hope you can get rid of your tools and stay safe for the sake of your children Please know i do understand self harm but i also know the cycle can be broken I am glad you obtain therapy use the skills you learned okay to keep from harming you again hugs
  3. GamerrGrrl

    GamerrGrrl Member

    Tx if it helps you keep posting these messages.

    I hope you find a way to fight your demons.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 21, 2011
  4. L108935

    L108935 Well-Known Member

    I didn't know other people banged their heads as kids... I still do it. Once broke a window at school lol. Now I'm mainly into working out. Its a better kind of pain, and better than the numbness of drugs, but thats just me.

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