My relationship.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by AlexDanish, Sep 30, 2008.

  1. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    So here’s my situation.

    I’m in love with a girl. (Don’t challenge the authenticity. Check all my other threads regarding this issue. I’m pretty sure this isn’t passing infatuation)

    We’re in love with each other… But not in that way, per se. We’re not boyfriend girlfriend. Best friends, soul mates, perhaps. Maybe you don’t see how that can work, but I do. Either way.

    For an entire year I’ve felt like this, and I’ve had to watch her date two other guys, both of which turned out to be assholes and said terrible things to her. So I tried to be there as much as possible and comfort her. Now she’s dating a third guy.

    We’ve talked about our relationship before. But she told me things like “I’m not ready for a serious relationship… I don’t want to lose you”. It seems ridiculous, seeing as we’ve had breakdowns before, but seemingly our relationship has always survived, and she’s in a relationship right now.

    It hurts. But what also hurts that lately she’s just been treating me like second best… Haha. I’m so stupid. If you’re dating someone, why wouldn’t you? But little things get to me. Things like how I want to talk to her at the end of the day before she goes home, but she says she has to go to the art room. Which is fine, but of course I walk into the cafeteria, and you can see her talking with her boyfriend. Understandable. Still hurts. And little things like, when I leave on msn she doesn’t say “I love you” when she’s with her boyfriend, but when he’s gone, she does.

    At one point, she said she was breaking up with her boyfriend, and I know it had something to do with our relationship. But they got back together. And all of this just hurts. I’ve been the one that she’s lasted, but she’s done little things like this like lying. Raising my hopes, and then lowering them. And now I have to watch her love someone else more than me, when all I want to do is love her. But I know I’ll only be second best.

    So how do I do it? How do I fake happiness? How can I act always so great around her? She only really wants to be with her boyfriend. And we’re only the best friends. How do I go on like this?

    I know. I know I want her to be happy with anyone, even if it’s not me. But I always seem to watch her get hurt and lied to by people. She was at one point interested in me… She said so herself… Maybe the feeling is gone. Maybe she lied.

    So I really only need one answer. How do I fake being happy around her?
  2. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    oh write and sound like a guy in his mid 30's to early 40's...
    not that age matters. it doesn't. how old you are is not germayine to the
    discussion... (tongue in cheek, hurting..ouch)

    nor pertinent or relevant. just saying you sound like a middle aged dude,
    intellect wise etc...

    I was writing to say "I feel your pain" and that is not intended as
    a Clintonian remark. I DO know what you are talking about...
    I remember what I felt like at your age in very similar situations.
    yes, sadly, more than once. no more than twice though...

    which leads us to the next FAZE of our discussion. I aint got nuthin
    bright ta offer, dude. wish I did. I got mad, copped an attitude and haven't
    had a steady, long term real relationship with a woman to this day ever since.
    plenty o' flings.........loads even. But that's not what we're looking for here for you.

    I am now waiting with you for someone smarter than I am to come along
    and say something UP.

    also, nobody else has posted. so I'm bumping the thread so to speak.

    I could never manage faking happy. do you really want to? sounds
    hard. could backfire on ya man.
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2008
  3. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    I'm not here to challenge the authenticity. Because I know it always feels authentic whether it actually is or not.

    The biggest mistake sensitive men make is falling in love with women who don't love us back. She wants to be your friend. Whatever it is that she feels that she needs to complete a serious romantic/sexual relationship with someone simply isn't present between the two of you.

    She likes you as a person, doesn't want to hurt you but there's not much more to it.

    Thing to remember with women - Never get your hopes up too high unless you can handle having them dashed. Love probably shouldn't be a step by step scientific process but if you're sensitive, it might be the best way to go about it.
  4. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Leave, if she wants to be with you she will follow. If she doesnt want to be with you, your better off out of this situation anyway. To be in love with someone and watch them date 3 other guys...I dont know how youve put up with it for as long as you have, your a stronger man than I. I would have bolted and drowned my sorrows long ago.
  5. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I've been in a similar situation, but she's at least had the courtesy to either not date or hide it really well. She's not being fair to you. The people in my life have been ripping on me for letting my girl do the same thing to me. Tell her how you feel, tell her that her boyfriends are making you miserable. If she won't change, take care of YOU and flee the situation.

    ...Though in my situation, there've been at least 2 other guys in my situation, with me being the guy dating the girl they love. She dumped one of 'em for me, but denied it to me, him, and herself... It's a real mess. It's like There's Something About Mary, except Mary is emotionally immature in this case...
  6. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am sorry that she is treating you as second best :hug:.
    You can only fake being happy for so long. If it hurts that much, maybe you might want to distance yourself. Or maybe tell her how you feel. Tell her that you want to be number one, and it hurts to much to see her get hurt all the time while you're in the background more or less.
    Be honest with yourself as much as you can.
    much love :heart:
  7. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    Yes, but she does love me. It's difficult to explain on a forum, of course. We have a very different relationship.

    Anyways, thanks for the advice you guys, and certainly thank you so much for taking the time to read this and reply so kindly. My threads normally don't get more than 2 posts, so this means alot that you guys took the time...

    But this kind of crushes all hope my heart had. You know socialmoth on facebook? You can post secrets randomly, but I'm betting my life this is her.

    I was an idiot for thinking there was ever anything more. I was a fucking idiot for waiting a year. Such a fool...
  8. DrowningInTears

    DrowningInTears Well-Known Member

    I dont chalenge YOUR authenticity. And I dont know everything thats going on im sure but shes using you cause she knows she can get away with it is what i think. Give her the banhammer.
  9. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    She's not using me. Trust me. All of it is authentic, and very, very real. The love is there. The relationship is there.

    Just not in the way I want it to be. Maybe I'm just selfish.
  10. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Hmm? She's NOT using you? Your relationship with her is CLEARLY not meeting your needs. She needs to start meeting your needs or she needs to go. And it doesn't sound like she's going to start meeting your needs.
  11. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    No, because we're still best friends and we still love each other and she still helps me as much as I help her.
  12. One Dagger

    One Dagger Member

    This is a rather complicated situation... i dont doubt that she loves you, but maybe the way she loves you and appreciates you isnt in as much depth as how you feel for her. Possibly she lacks a little respect for you? Or is too confident that your always going to be there, so she feels able to get some space with others and still knows your not going to leave her side.
    Have you tried distancing yourself from her, not alot just a tad and see how she reacts to it?
  13. Eric

    Eric Well-Known Member

    Judging by her words, she doesn't want to mess up the good relationship you two already have. There's two kinds of people: Those who you date and those who you're friends with (or good friends). From the looks of it, she values you more as the latter type.

    I'm not sure if you could call her a "best friend" or not, but dating your best friends is ill-advised since it changes everything most of the time (from what I've seen at least)

    It's a bitch seeing her date others, I couldn't agree more, but I'd cherish that relationship you have and make the best out of it. Be there for her when she needs someone.
  14. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    Really? What do you call someone who you talk to everyday, hang out with all the time, tell your secrets to, and have a deep connection with?

    Yeah, maybe not best friends. Probably deeper. Like a twin soul or soul mate or something.

    Fuck this. Lock the thread please. I was shit stupid to try to explain something so complex and get complete ass fuck retarded responses.
  15. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    And yet, you're unhappy because of her?
  16. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    i PMd you.
    Hopefully its not completly full of rubbish.
  17. bhawk

    bhawk Well-Known Member

    i was in a very similar relationship situation 5 year ago and we only just got together this year and its been worth the wait! all you can do is concentrate on being there as a friend, its one of those shit situations in life were only time will tell.
  18. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    Have you ever been upset at a friend? Or unhappy with them? Relationships aren't 100% happy 100% of the time. And I'm not unhappy because of HER. Just, when she does some things it can hurt me or make me feel unwanted. And I'm pretty sure it's non-intentional. And I'm sure I've done things that have hurt her too, and I have in the past. But that doesn't change that we're best friends/soul mates. Jeez, I know I must sound like a retarded 16 year old but I'm a conservative person and somewhat logical, but I really know that what we have is special. Once in a lifetime. I mean, even our school counselor said so.

    Yeah. That's what I keep telling myself. Keep waiting. Eventually she might see that for every guy that's passed her by that I've been there and I'm not going anywhere. I can't even really picture me dating or loving anyone as much as her, maybe that's creepy, but whatever that's all just the way I feel.

    Sorry guys I've just been in a pissy mood lately.
  19. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I still don't believe that this relationship is adequately meeting your needs if you're posting on a suicide forum about it. She needs to take better care of you.
  20. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    your in the friend zone, she has a boyfriend... only thing you can do is dont bother with her and move on.

    that pain you feel deep in your heart when you see her with her boyfriend is something you get used to.. it hurts a lot but eventually you get used to it

    you can fake being happy but for what... its pointless, just tell her the truth and if things get fucked you just fuck it and move on.