My Resolution

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Dec 31, 2014.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    To somehow obtain the strength and courage to end my life and my suffering. Im a coward. Along with being severely depressed I have debilitating anxiety and panic attacks. Which almost makes it impossible for me to commit suicide. Every time ive tried ive folded. I fear my consciousness will end up somewhere worse. If I could I would. I wouldn't be on forums writing about it. The worse part of all of this is the feeling of just being trapped. Until I die, theres no way out.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Re: My New Year's Resolution

    No. Bad idea. Very bad.

    I think you should reach out to a professional and get help. Dying will solve nothing. Do you really want to die or want the pain to end??

    Do you have any friends/family members you can talk to? It might help just to get it all out. I'm glad you posted here.

    Also- I am really sorry you're feeling this way. I must erase the title a bit because we cannot allow timelines.
     
  3. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Re: My New Year's Resolution

    I can relate with much of what you're saying and I'm sorry that you're feeling that way.
     
  4. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Re: My New Year's Resolution

    A professional? I don't think they have a professional for the issues I have. I wish there wasn't such a stigma attached to suicide. I have depression, anxiety, diabetes, and gastroparesis. If people are genuinely suffering beyond repair, it should be an option a person can have and leave this world in a dignified way.
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Re: My New Year's Resolution

    As we are a pro life site I cannot discuss that part of your post. I agree though, the stigma has got to go. Even in my city our psych ward has a very had name, it is called unit 5B, when people are mocking each other they say ''so and so is a 5b case'' It's really sad :( They ran a story in the news paper of how people in my city would rather be in jail than known to be in 5B. They wanted to change it's name in the hope it would ease the stigma but it didn't happen.
    If w ecould talk freely without being judged just like any other illness it would do a hell of a lot of good.

    I don't think you should give up on the professionals just yet until you have or will again try them, there's no such thing as being too late for help/
     
  6. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Re: My New Year's Resolution

    Im pro life of course. Im just not pro suffering. I think life can be beautiful and precious and is worth living. Just not my life. We have not scratched the surface to understanding the causes and affects of mental illness. It is undoubtedly the most undertreated disease there is. Ive spent a small fortune on treatments, inpatient therapy, outpatient therapy, groups and psychiatrists. When someone dies of cancer they say they lost their battle with cancer. When someone commits suicide cos they suffered from depression, they call it selfish.
     
  7. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Re: My New Year's Resolution

    When somebody dies of cancer the cancer caused their organs to cease functioning and there is nothing they can do to stop it- when somebody commit suicides they did it themselves. While it may be a side effect and a response to pain, they are not in any way equal or correlative.


    I am sorry you are having such pain now but I would agree giving up on professionals is not going to help, and is in fact usually just another side effect of the depression - it convinces you things are hopeless when they are not while at the same time robbing you of motivation and strength to fight further so you are not able to change the situation. Both depression and anxiety are a bitch to deal with but people recover from both every day. While some it is a battle of weeks and months, for others it is a battle of years or a lifetime- and no - it is not fair or just or right in anyway-= but not only can people recover from it the very vast majority do. Diabetes is very treatable and controllable, and gastroparesis is as well , though it took me 5 doctors and and 7 momths of bouncing from office to office to find one that even did the proper tests to diagnosis it is now controlled for the most part and more inconvenience than anything else.

    I hope you find the strength to keep looking fo rhelp because you do deserve it and do deserve to feel better.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
     
  8. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Re: My New Year's Resolution

    Theres not much people can do to stop a severe mental condition either. A body can heal. The mind is not always so resilient. You lose your mind you lose everything.

    I express myself not to look for answers. Ive done everything I could do. I didn't give up my fight, I just simply lost. I don't think there is a way forward. And I don't believe in miracles. When you've fought something for 20 years and it doesn't move(infact has gotten worse), what is the point of fighting anymore. I don't have general depression and anxiety. I have something far more menacing and cruel. And gastropareisis is far far far from being just an inconvenience. It hurts to drink water. It is a painful, nauseating, living hell. Maybe I need your doctor. lol.

    Thanks for the encouragement
     
  9. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Re: My New Year's Resolution

    I am fully aware of how gastropareisis - and have long since gotten accustomed to choosing what i eat not by how it will taste or what I want when I choose to eat but rather by how objectionable it is when I throw it up. I was 4 pounds from the minimal weight weight where they were going to put a tube in my stomach and be on a liquid diet for the remainder of my life when i finally managed to find the right combination of nutrient shakes to hold any weight on at all. But I absolutely agree with the final line - maybe you need my doctor- which is why I said keep looking towards professionals. You have had shit luck with finding a decent gastroenterologist - and perhaps that is part of the issue with the depression and anxiety as well. It does not mean you are to blame or you cannot be helped just because the supports you have had available to you and doctors you have seen have not been competent enough to help you. Their incompetence does not mean you are beyond help, it means they were not good enough and that does not in anyway equate to you are not good enough.

    I could not have done it without the support I was able to find after a lot of looking - these issues are not issues that can be dealt with without real help- and a title alone does not mean real help. Real help is whoever does the job that you need to have done. I sincerely hope you are able to find that so you are not stuck trying to do it on your own while the people you pay for help simply make excuses.
     
  10. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Re: My New Year's Resolution

    My last doctor told me I couldn't take reglan anymore cos it can cause a permanent side effect. He gave me a prescription for tramadol, Zofran and told me to buy Tylenol if I run out of tramadol cos he doesn't want me taking it every day. Claims it slows stomach motility. And basically told me there wasn't much I could do for it past diet. My diet consists of water, soup and crackers. I lost 114lbs since Oct 2012. I reject every having a feeding tube and kidney dialysis(its just not worth it, I suffer enough already) but open to surgery and gastric pacemaker. I don't have insurance so that is part of the reason for the poor options of Doctors I have. But still, its true, theres not many ways to treat gastroparesis. I just stay away from anything solid and try to keep my blood sugar within limits.

    What does your diet consist of and how do you deal with pain management and nausea? If I could get rid of the feeling like im about to explode id be able to function better. Is there anything you've tried for motility? Ive never talked to anyone with gastroparesis. Its a pretty rare condition. Its why I feel so snake bitten.
     
  11. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Re: My New Year's Resolution

    My diet is very simple - while i will if i am not completely objecting to throwing it up eat most anything I eat very very small amounts. 6- 10 oz is all I eat as "meal" If i eat more than that I will throw up so is completely pointless anyway. Eating 6-10 oz every 3 hours or so makes it so i can not feel like going to explode. When we go out to eat I seldom order a meal anymore, simply have a little bit of the wife's or kid's as is pointless for me to order. I drink a lot of the nutritional shakes like ensure, and make a lot of smoothie type things in blender.

    I would not ever do a "feeding tube" (I say that now anyway) - but they do (and nearly did ) put a tube into the stomach surgically so food goes directly to the intestine rather than stopping at the stomach, however then it is pure liquid diet after that. That is when i started drinking the shakes and actually while on vacation found out the fruit and vegetable smoothies worked reasonably well and the fruit has enough sugars in it to have some small amount of energy. Like this i can keep the nausea somewhat controlled - and vomiting is not a constant thing, though is still so common I really do not think a lot about it anymore - the nausea and not vomit is worse than the vomiting to me. It does make it really suck if wanting to go to somebody house or out for an evening just having to be mindful of knowing how to escape in a hurry if sick. +

    The hardest part is medications. That may be why your medications for depression and stuff do not work. I also happen to have congestive heart failure and absolutely need medications and diuretics so my lungs do not fill up with fluid and "drown". Trying to accurately dose medications when nauseous and unsure how long they are sitting in stomach before you are actually getting an effect from them is hard. I do have an excellent pain management Dr and real pain meds. Yes, they absolutely further slow the stomach, but functioning without them is impossible to me. That is where I would start if I were you, real pain management. If they are not helping with that then they are truly screwing you over. Tramadol not only barely counts as a pain med, it is horrible for making nausea even worse. Can you get medicare or medicaid possibly?

    Your situation does truly suck, but the more you have told me the more I believe it is in large part due to inadequate medical attention. Not only is that not your fault, it is making you suffer needlessly when there are ways to feel better - not get fixed and cured maybe, but certainly to have a far better quality of life. To make it worse they have managed to convince you that they are doing or have done everything they can so you have to just deal with it. I really felt that way for a while as well but between Drs and some lucky experimentation did make it manageable. I really hope you can get in to see a DR that will treat the pain and discuss absorption rates for your mental health meds to see if they are being dosed correctly considering the digestion issues. Feel free to PM me any time, if you get an appointment with a Dr I will give you a list of meds to ask about that have been somewhat helpful to me.
     
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