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My return to forum is in conjunction with depressed self.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thebaronspell, Nov 8, 2011.

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  1. thebaronspell

    thebaronspell Well-Known Member

    Finding myself coming back here makes me feel more defeated as its telling me I've yet to conquer my demons. I've now come to the damning conclusion that all women are untrustworthy locally and no matter how hard I try I can't find anyone who won't cheat, lie or unfairly punish me when all I do is love and cherish those I'm affectionate about.

    I'm beginning to believe I'm unwanted and unloved seeing as all the women I fall for seem to change and lash out their troubles on me to the point they think I was the guilty party whom caused carnage in their lives when I've done no such thing. My Father has had my phone number for over three years and as of yet been bothered to hold a constructive conversation with me via text even though he walked out on me a decade or more ago. My only link to know of his whereabouts and misdemeanours is through my older half sister and even she's had a tortured life so I only feel bad for talking about my hell hole to her and worse for not admitting I'm a depressive recluse driven to hide away and cower as my nightmare continues to belittle what confidence I have.

    My best friends have deserted me, another ex girlfriend thinks its fine to get her boyfriend to be friend (I appreciated the thought) but he's so much better than me I only feel like kicking myself for letting her go even though I was at the height of my darkest days when I told her commitment wasn't around the corner as I felt that if my father couldn't be bothered with responsibilities with all his children than how can I ever possibly have one myself?

    I'm barely loved or liked despite my attempts to enlighten the people I know with my masked personality and play the fool. It kills me inside to know they don't care I exist. I write poems, songs and scripts for plays yet my finest piece is the list of funeral songs I want played at my send off. Just crying for somebody to love and care for my heart the way I would wrap theirs up in bubble wrap if I could.
  2. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    hey man!

    first, before i forget, women are INSANE. just fyi. (i'm one of them). lol. we've got hormones changing our moods/feelings like a roller coaster. we have good and bad days. we do/say some crazy stuff, but idk if we can really control it. lol.

    second, although i haven't met you, i care you exist. and everybody you know will care if they knew how you felt. you should try opening up. talk to somebody about it. they will care. i've learned that people aren't really that selfish (some people are).

    third, i can understand how you feel. although i can't truthfully say that "i'm barely loved or liked", i can say that i feel that way, mainly b/c nobody likes who i truly am. my own family throws a fit unless i become/pretend to be the ideal person they have in their heads. and i do it too, just to make them shut up. if i committed suicide, NOBODY would see it coming. nobody knows the real me.

    fourth, try making the best of your situation. think about it this way. you have nothing to lose. nobody to hurt. LEAVE! a change of scenery can work wonders. go move to hawaii or jamaica or fiji or madeira or something (assuming you like warm weather). if you prefer cold weather, move to some mountains in nepal or colorado or catalunya. try the swiss alps, czech republic, slovakia, RUSSIA!!! start over. you can be anybody you want, go anywhere, do anything.

    ok. and fifth. sounds like you are able to find somebody to be in a relationship with you. i have been single (technically) my whole entire life. i am so alone. nobody will even date me for more than a month, and for the life of me, i can't figure out why. i've never had a "boyfriend". if you are able to get a girlfriend, there is hope for you in the future. there really is.

    hang on, okay?
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Baron and glad you decided to come back and share with us...it is not a defeat to go to a place where you can be supported...the reasons why you came back, I know are what you are referring to...I had parents who were too impaired to be attentive to me...it really hurts no matter who they are or how old we were...we all want a family, and to be loved in that way...and this is an injury that I wonder if I will ever resolve...again, glad you remembered us and please keep posting so that you know there are people here to support you
  4. thebaronspell

    thebaronspell Well-Known Member

    Thanks for caring. Sorry to hear that they don't listen. Quite a distance and bold move to make for me. I love little old England though. Well only because I go looking for people they never seem to find me. Bless your time will come and somebody will sweep you of your feet. I'm hanging in x
  5. thebaronspell

    thebaronspell Well-Known Member

    Maybe not but the depressive side has run me down again. Thanks x
  6. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    i'm glad you're hanging in there. :)
  7. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    Sounds like we are living parrallel lives. It's crazy how you can love someone and give them your best, and at first it seems they appreciate it, but then they turn around and make you feel like the most worthless piece of shit to ever exist. And then you have to ask yourself, what is wrong with ME!!! What makes me so remarkably unlovable that even when you try your best, the outcome is still the same.

    And what you talk about masking and playing the fool, that is perfectly me. I'm a court jester. Making one of my favorite songs Tears of a Clown. Ever want to chat, let me know.
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