Finding myself coming back here makes me feel more defeated as its telling me I've yet to conquer my demons. I've now come to the damning conclusion that all women are untrustworthy locally and no matter how hard I try I can't find anyone who won't cheat, lie or unfairly punish me when all I do is love and cherish those I'm affectionate about. I'm beginning to believe I'm unwanted and unloved seeing as all the women I fall for seem to change and lash out their troubles on me to the point they think I was the guilty party whom caused carnage in their lives when I've done no such thing. My Father has had my phone number for over three years and as of yet been bothered to hold a constructive conversation with me via text even though he walked out on me a decade or more ago. My only link to know of his whereabouts and misdemeanours is through my older half sister and even she's had a tortured life so I only feel bad for talking about my hell hole to her and worse for not admitting I'm a depressive recluse driven to hide away and cower as my nightmare continues to belittle what confidence I have. My best friends have deserted me, another ex girlfriend thinks its fine to get her boyfriend to be friend (I appreciated the thought) but he's so much better than me I only feel like kicking myself for letting her go even though I was at the height of my darkest days when I told her commitment wasn't around the corner as I felt that if my father couldn't be bothered with responsibilities with all his children than how can I ever possibly have one myself? I'm barely loved or liked despite my attempts to enlighten the people I know with my masked personality and play the fool. It kills me inside to know they don't care I exist. I write poems, songs and scripts for plays yet my finest piece is the list of funeral songs I want played at my send off. Just crying for somebody to love and care for my heart the way I would wrap theirs up in bubble wrap if I could.