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my roommate found my note to her.

#1
backstory: I did with the thought everyday sometimes it can be a joke other times a couple hours of thought, even start to make a plan, and in some case I start going though the steps of the plan. when I get to the letters is when I usually stop. I read the letters carefully after I finish to make sure everything that should be said is. then this is the part that 99% I back down. I start to visualizing the person reading it and feeling what they would be feeling at that moment. that pain of me gone and how it would affect them. that usually keeps me around, because I realize that I never want to hurt them like that. I can't allow myself to hurt those close to me that way.

now the story: so I got into one of rare cases two weeks ago. I started with the instructions on what to do/will. this I wrote the first note to my roommate/best friend/ model. I finished her's and read it broke down from it then stopped. I should have just thrown it away like I usually do but I left it in my studio room. she found it (which is weird cause she never goes in there, but I just posted a new painting and just might of wanted to see it) I just got off work and she called me. goes "hey I need to ask you something" that is never good when she says that. asked "are you okay?" a bit angrily "ummm yea I'm fine? what's up? why do you ask?" being very confused on not only how she asked but what she asked. "well I found a fucking note in your studio cause I saw I had my on it..how could you think of doing that to me?!?" she brush into angry tears over the phone. "like why would you do this to me?!?" I try to explain that I've written these though out my lifetime. and that if you notice I did write my mom or dad or brother I stopped with yours. I'm really sorry you found those "you're lucky you ansewered this call cause if you would has decked you right when you walked into the door." im sorry listen you was never ment to see that.."well as punishment I'm keeping you're banking infomation. you know I was going to invite you out cause I thought it would be a good idea since you never have time to go out snice you work all the time but never fucking mind" look I'm sorry about this "yea you should be you pussy" well I am what I eat "your not cause you never get any" um yes I have. "whatever fuck you" I'll be home in a little bit. "okay" then she hung up. I knocked on her door while she is entertaining her new dick of the week. and she's act pissed at me. "look I'm sorry about that I write those all the.." "I don't want to fucking talk about it" a pause then keep going "I stopped at yours. that why I'm still her" "how could you think of doing that to me...I swear if you pull that shit again I'm gonna fucking kill you. I gonna have your ass thrown into (the local metal hospital name) and fucking leave you there. then she kind of hugs me and said " I mean it I will beat the shit out of you if you ever put me through that again. then walked back to her dude of the week.

I've had two other notes found in my life one by my dad the other my at the time girlfriend. my dad talked to me and got me a therapy dog, my at the time girlfriend (we had a good break up she moved across state for grad school and we both thought it would be hard to do long distance) she talked me into going therapy and I did for a year. but this reaction was something else.
like I'm actually angry about it that she made it about her and threaten me and was gonna keep my bank info. we been having problems she's has paid rent, she's a drunk and a whore (I mean I know that gets thrownaround a lot but 23 dude in one month plus saying she can sell her pussy if we need money) doesn't clean up anything doesn't take care of her dog. I'm having to do everything in this house and got fried from her last job cause her and her friends got drunk in the parking lot and she was letting them in to use the restroom after hours and was caught. so right now after all the bs and everything going down like that I'm honestly thinking of just exploding and kicking her out...or should I just calm down. never yelled at her once in the years of her, but that really made me feel like she just cared because it would just effect her housing and living...I honestly starting to think she didn't even deserve that note.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
Hi, welcome to SF. I'm glad you found us.

It sounds like your roommate does care about you, but that she was scared and reacted poorly.

Do you want to say what's got you to the point where you are writing notes? Are you seeing a therapist or anything?
 

Ixtab

Well-Known Member
#3
Sorry that happened. I hope you’ll be ok I don’t know any advice. I’ve never had thought go into my attempts they just happened. No notes no planning just crazy person with sensitive nature different brain chemistry and trust issues in crisis. I see it about myself while healthy and having needs met (food, water, shelter, medicine).
 

toomuchreality

Well-Known Member
#4
I kind of get the gist of your post. I have a roomate that is leaving his tenancy now and I have no where to go. He totally doesn't care for me at all anymore. I'm down on the floor on my knees in despair knowing i could very well be homeless soon.... and all he thinks of is himself. I just demeaned myself by degrading myself...... I loved this man deeply, gave deeply, and this is the last night I will spend with him. I'm sorry for you that I'm writing about me. I drank too much beer.

This woman honestly sounds like a ****. I hope I can use that word here. Making your feelings and despair all about her, after nosying into your private notes ( i have had that problem myself with the ex bf), is totally selfish in my opinion. Holding your bank info? Can you get another place to live? Or is it yours, then kick her out. You deserve love, and acceptance.
 
#5
Hi, welcome to SF. I'm glad you found us.

It sounds like your roommate does care about you, but that she was scared and reacted poorly.

Do you want to say what's got you to the point where you are writing notes? Are you seeing a therapist or anything?
well with me it's just simple the loniness. I've never truly have friends in my life. I'm either always put on a pedestal or ostracized. I'm there to be the entertainment or to be made an example of. and I know it stems from childhood. if I wasn't on a stage or winning a reward I got nothing from anyone. alays ask to come play something for company come show them what you made. everything I can do and fix and build and know comes from it. I feel like I have to be in the spotlight in order to even feel a connection, aproval of others. I've always have had to fight, to sing and dance and play and be as charismatic as I can be. after going through therapy in college I started to recognize people who wanted me there as a friend and people who want there to entertain them. I cut those people out of my life quickly. but the last one is just a series of events. lost a well paying job I loved all then we moved in together cause I watched her get her face beat in by her bf. everything I own is either broken, or got tore up by her dog. had to get the shit job I hate. completely living hand to mouth she's didn't pay last months rent nor going to pay this month's so with my car I'm going to end up in 9k in debt. I can't get anyone to talk to me, to at least enjoy a moment of peace. I never have peace in my own home. I try even beg people to send come spend time and noone gives a shit. I just feel completely used by everyone even a girl I was talking to was just fetishized me as the "deep artist" bullshit. got used by her for a night and ghosted. I'm just tired of being there for everyone doing everything I can and then cast aside. I'm just tired of fighting.

there are two things I always think about everyday. Conner my dead son who would be 16 in sept (why I've always end up as dad friend I guess) and so you gonna off yourself yet..the after meeting her she bcame the third. and the off yourself been there before conner died. well it was an 8 month miscarriage with a girl I was with for 5 year. she became a monster after that of those last 3 years. became a very abus relationship.
but to get to the point I honestly don't feel like I should be alive. I should have died a long time ago in that car wreak. I just feel like I shouldn't be here anymore. that I'm just a walking ghost who doesn't know it's time to move on.

I haven't gone back to therapy I stop drinking for a while I wish I could but can't afford it I can even afford to eat some days in order to save for rent.
 
#6
Sorry that happened. I hope you’ll be ok I don’t know any advice. I’ve never had thought go into my attempts they just happened. No notes no planning just crazy person with sensitive nature different brain chemistry and trust issues in crisis. I see it about myself while healthy and having needs met (food, water, shelter, medicine).
thank you I might make though this one again..everything I do and say is always carfully planned. it's a big decision I've only actually gone through with two one was an <mod edit - methods>
 
Last edited by a moderator:

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#7
well with me it's just simple the loniness. I've never truly have friends in my life. I'm either always put on a pedestal or ostracized. I'm there to be the entertainment or to be made an example of. and I know it stems from childhood. if I wasn't on a stage or winning a reward I got nothing from anyone. alays ask to come play something for company come show them what you made. everything I can do and fix and build and know comes from it. I feel like I have to be in the spotlight in order to even feel a connection, aproval of others. I've always have had to fight, to sing and dance and play and be as charismatic as I can be. after going through therapy in college I started to recognize people who wanted me there as a friend and people who want there to entertain them. I cut those people out of my life quickly. but the last one is just a series of events. lost a well paying job I loved all then we moved in together cause I watched her get her face beat in by her bf. everything I own is either broken, or got tore up by her dog. had to get the shit job I hate. completely living hand to mouth she's didn't pay last months rent nor going to pay this month's so with my car I'm going to end up in 9k in debt. I can't get anyone to talk to me, to at least enjoy a moment of peace. I never have peace in my own home. I try even beg people to send come spend time and noone gives a shit. I just feel completely used by everyone even a girl I was talking to was just fetishized me as the "deep artist" bullshit. got used by her for a night and ghosted. I'm just tired of being there for everyone doing everything I can and then cast aside. I'm just tired of fighting.

there are two things I always think about everyday. Conner my dead son who would be 16 in sept (why I've always end up as dad friend I guess) and so you gonna off yourself yet..the after meeting her she bcame the third. and the off yourself been there before conner died. well it was an 8 month miscarriage with a girl I was with for 5 year. she became a monster after that of those last 3 years. became a very abus relationship.
but to get to the point I honestly don't feel like I should be alive. I should have died a long time ago in that car wreak. I just feel like I shouldn't be here anymore. that I'm just a walking ghost who doesn't know it's time to move on.

I haven't gone back to therapy I stop drinking for a while I wish I could but can't afford it I can even afford to eat some days in order to save for rent.
It does sound like you've got a lot going on. I'm sorry your living situation has degraded so much as well. That's a whole added layer of stress. I think if you stick around you'll find this place is nice for loneliness, as there are so many here who can understand what you're going through.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#8
thank you I might make though this one again..everything I do and say is always carfully planned. it's a big decision I've only actually gone through with two one was an <mod edit - methods>
Just fyi, we are a pro life site, so discussion of methods isn't permitted.
 
#9
I kind of get the gist of your post. I have a roomate that is leaving his tenancy now and I have no where to go. He totally doesn't care for me at all anymore. I'm down on the floor on my knees in despair knowing i could very well be homeless soon.... and all he thinks of is himself. I just demeaned myself by degrading myself...... I loved this man deeply, gave deeply, and this is the last night I will spend with him. I'm sorry for you that I'm writing about me. I drank too much beer.

This woman honestly sounds like a ****. I hope I can use that word here. Making your feelings and despair all about her, after nosying into your private notes ( i have had that problem myself with the ex bf), is totally selfish in my opinion. Holding your bank info? Can you get another place to live? Or is it yours, then kick her out. You deserve love, and acceptance.
yea it's hard when you care so much about the person. see it's my place she picked it out but I'm the only one on the lease. I know I should one of my old minions when I was a gm called her gutter possum all the time. but if I do kick her out she has no where to go. she doesn't have family here she really only has some clothes and a computer. I bought her bed tv everything else. it would be the hardest thing for me to do. I can be very cold to anyone else. I can cut people out of my life in a heartbeat mostly because I never felt a connection with them anyways...but her...I've tried...I made it a whole day one time without talking to her but I just can't leave her...plus she has always makes me promise her to never leave her life. ever since I've known her. like I said she's the only person who has fucked me over that I never even raised my voice to her...even when I want to and build up everything I want to say as soon as I see her...all those feelings just melt a way
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#11
It sounds to me like your friend reacted poorly to what she found. Many people react angrily to finding out someone wants to kill themselves. It's not that they're :mad:* but they're *scared* and it manifests in a shitty way. This has happened to me, in fact, so I get it. It doesn't make it right but it is an insight into how much people care about you and would be devastated by your death.
 

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