my sad story

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i am posting here because my magic jack phone breaks up and cant call any hotlines.
I live in the US and am right now planning and setting up the DAY to do it.
I am a tortured soul all my life and have made it this far i am 50 but i have had enough.
things really went bad after a 20year relationship ended about 13 years ago. But my personality or lack their of was the cause. I make no exuses for myself i know i am a negative person and have many other negative personality traits that i cant shake. ex. controlling, jealous etc etc.

I dont know how i ended up this way but things effect me and i have been hated by people all my working life because i am not friendly and suspicious
in nature. my ex line of work/trade was kind of competative and i used to be a over achiever and work hard at being the best at my work and this caused resentment from co workers (not management) on top of me being a loner type i was not liked any where i worked by the employees and management put up with me because i was the best at what i do. But i left every job i had after about 5 years. The last incedent a coworker of mine set me up. He broke a machine part and before he left for the day yelled over to me to finish up the job. When i went over to finish i noticed a smashed part and he blamed me to the manager the next day because the manager used to use me as an example and say to them why dont you do things like "I" do. So things like that did not help. Anyway bottom line always problems with coworkers not liking me because i kept to myself.

I ended up being a supervisor (tyrant)of a tool and die shop for about 5 years untill i resigned after someone wrote derogatory comments in a book i was reading that was on my bench. it was the owners son that i had no respect for because he did not know what he was doing and only had the job because of family.

So i ended up with an online business as i cant seem to work with people but make a fraction of what i used to.

Backing up now to the end of my 20 year relationship was not married no kids but lived like it. I had a nice house custom cars etc ended up filing bankruptcy once. i worked the night shift and my girlfriend ended up go go dancing after a boob job and cheating on me with a drug dealer she met thru a person that lived next door.

I learned of this by coming home from work early to find her drunk or not home yet and many other things. So i could not deal with it and the house was sold and even helped her move to an apatment while i rented a room in a private house.

I then met a gogo dancer in NYC as i went their every weekend to party (alone) and being on the rebound and having no friends or family got attached soon and at that time still had the good job and thru money around.
she had 2 kids and a live in boyfriend who did not work and claimed to be writing a book while she supported the household. She had told this guy she wanted him out but he would not leave and was harrassing her during this time. She was able to get him out when he went into a fit one day and threatend her with violence.

So i ended up marrying this girl and the ex boyfriend did nothing but try to wreck our relationship. The main thing is he turned the kids against her and me because she would not stop the kids from visiting him because he raised them while she worked.

He then got an apartment in the same building up stairs. Many problems with the kids ended up with the social services getting involved it was a nightmare.
i was unable to deal with this stress and ended up moving 400 miles away but i am still married and her kids are now 19 and 17. her mother lives in the same building to. I was like the outsider with her ex and her mother in the same building and her kids hating me for breaking then up i guess.

My wife seems to have accepted the fact i live elsewhere. She wishes things would have worked out between me and the kids but all the conflict with the ex. and the kids and her mother etc I am the type that wants to avoid these types of problems for my sanity caused me to run.

It was to be me coming back so often to visit but that did not work out because i have to take the bus because i lost my drivers license during my 20 year relationship break up and have not gotten it back.

So as it stands my wife will never leave NYC with her mother and family. One kids in college they dont work she babysits 7 days aweek to support household as i cant help out because i make little money and have high bills from making the dump i bought liveable and am trapped here.

She doesnt want a divorce she is content with me out of the picture. I want a comprimise but she wants me to move closer and she will visit me now its to far. 8 hours by bus.

I cant move have no money to get anything closer the rent is to high cost of living is cheaper here and i just get by now. I have no savings or anything.

I have gotten so depressed( i was diagnosed as clinically depressed after first break up)

I havent left my home for about 2 years. I order all my needs online. I have a phobia to about leaving. Some one cut my landscape plants i was growing and i know it was the cop next door that did it as i got it on video he did not know i had 2 cameras up because i had graffit sprayed on my wall so i put them up. He pushed the camera up with stick and cut plants in half it was caught on the other camera he did not no about.

He also knows i know he filed a false claim that someone stole a 4 wheel atv from his garage. the camera looks out on his garage and no one broke in. he jimmied the window and his friend took the old four wheeler and the insurance bought a new one. He did this twice in the past 5 years.

since he knows i know this because i told his brother i know. he know rides by my house when hes on duty and shines lite. etc parks on the side of my house. This is a small town and all city workers are like a gang. He is a ex marine USMC and all like him and now i am harrased and they want me to leave but i cant. I have no money. they dont even pick up my trash. i have to put it infront of another house in the middle of night.

Kids bang on my door and throw rocks and the cops wont do anything.

there are plenty more details but you get the picture. My life is a living hell and death will bring relief.

I have got to the point where i have no motivation to do my craft to make money and am living on the remainer of a IRA account i cashed in. I have not taked to my wife in almost a year but just talked to her yesterday and in my pain said i want a divorce but she is depressed too and says if thats what i want but she doesnt.

I cant live alone anymore trapped and under attack from the towns people.
i am like frankenstien waiting for the mob with pitch forks and torches.

My head is so screwed up. I have a phobia of peple looking at me, if i leave they will cut my plants again. i watch security cameras all the time to protect my property, i have no motivation to do my craft. I have not one friend except i can talk to my wife but with no chance of her ever moving with me am me not welcome there as her family hates me but dont understand my mental illness that makes me this way i cant face them either cause of guilt. my wife is one that does not throw anything out (a horder) so she want to keep me i guess waiting for me to die for my Social security.
she is a close knit family type and wont leave her mother and kids even if they are 30 and still home and not working.

I want a life with my wife and want a wife to work with me and inspire me and help me cope. But this will never be.

I cant live like this anymore and have to do something soon. I have no health insurance and dont take government hand outs. Even if i did i cant go to any place in this town for help as my personal business will be spread around town.
i cant call 911 because the cop next door will know everything.

I am unable to help myself.

So i have chosen to off myself as soon as my funds run out or sooner depending on how i feel.

Since i dont want these people in this town to know my business and go thru my things when i am dead or laugh at my dead body or abuse it or cut me open as the cop will be there. Or anyone getting my property i have decided to <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>.

This is what i would have said on a suicide hotline in my magic jack phone worked without breaking up and they would have taken my call without saying I cant hear you its going in and out.
io dont think i want to be talked out of it because my situatiuon will be the same. just living to pay my 18,000 credit card bills.

I have had enough of this fun life

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
I am glad you found your voice here financial situation always can be solved You need to find you again okay and the hell with everyone else start by getting a job you like enjoy Reach out get some help from your doctor get on meds to help with your depression but fight for YOU okay You can do this keep posting here so others hear and see you and can offer you support as well hugs to you:hugtackles:
Hello Ketelone and welcome to SF!

I'm sorry to hear that things are bad for you right now.

I think that many of the hotline numbers are 800 numbers, so I think that if you plug your phone directly into the wall jack you may be able to call that way. I don't know if the phone would still break up or not.

you can check for a list of hotlines.

I think that a lot of people are reluctant to get benefits from the government. However, your taxes have paid for those benefits. Also, if you are able to get better, you will be able to work and pay for the expenses with you taxes. Beyond that, the value of your life is worth whatever the cost of the medicine.

I think there is a website that you can go to to check into your eligibility. I don't know what it is off hand.

It sounds like your wife still loves you. I think that you have a lot to live for and that you can be happy. But I think that you need to get treatment, and maybe get some therapy.

I think that you can become very happy, but I think that you need to take the steps that you need to to get better. It may be hard work for you, but if you make the effort, I think that life can get much better for you.

You can keep posting here and also try contacting the suicide hotlines.

Getting medical help is the next step I think. This is huge. Getting medicade sounds like a really good idea, but no matter what, seeing a doctor sounds like it would be critical.

Maybe then you could sell your house and move back in with your wife? I think that could be something that would make you happy, and also make her happy too.

The place where you live now sounds really awful. Now that your wife's kids are older, the would probably not object so much to you being around.

Please try really hard to get better, not only for yourself, but also think about your wife too. It seems like maybe she is someone who deserves to have some positive things happen in her life.

I hope that things get better for you soon!
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