My screwed up sex life.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Amber, Aug 10, 2011.

  1. Amber

    Amber Active Member

    Okay well my bf and I have been together 2 years. We are mostly happy. but for some reason the sex has just... stopped. We hang out all day together but never hug, kiss, or do .. anything like that. It's almost like he's just a best friend now. Whenever I talk to him about it he says "well we should go up to our room earlier then, I'm tired" or if we DO go up there "but your dad is a room away and it makes me nervous" There are a ton more excuses, but I always am like okay well lets go downstairs where there is more privacy or something like that and he always says no. Our sex life used to be really good, idk what happened. It doesn't help I have all these other guys that want to hang out with me.. and fool around. I've never cheated on my bf but he's making me feel ugly and gross by not doing anything with me, and idk what to do.
     
  2. marklondon

    marklondon Well-Known Member

    Hi Amber,

    Every relationship is different of course, but having been in this sort of situation before, what I would say is this. First, 2 years into a relationship is a normal time for this sort of thing to happen, because 18 to 24 months is around the time when the first stages of mad chemical attraction and love (butterflies in your stomach, etc) naturally tend to fade (for an introduction to this, see here and here). At that stage, it is really crucial for both people to make a decision about whether they are willing to do the work to create and maintain a lasting bond, which goes beyond that easy initial loved-up stage.

    Second, I would say that although you have tried to talk with him about it, it's really important to keep trying to find a way to communicate with him. Maybe he's having doubts, or maybe he feels pressured or worried you blame him for the difficulties the two of you have been having. Those things can all make it difficult to break out of a pattern of having no physical intimacy -- that's what happened to me. Every time my partner told me she wished I would kiss her more, it made it more difficult for me to kiss her, because I was afraid she would think I was only doing it because I thought she wanted me to! Stupid, isn't it? And destructive.

    But I think if you sit down with him, tell him your feelings fully and openly, explain that this is something you want to overcome together with him, through both of you making changes, so that you can keep building your relationship for the future, because you both love each other -- then there is no reason you can't break out of this pattern. The worst thing you can do is what I did, and my ex did -- which is to bottle up the problem and not fully communicate it, or to try to deal with it on your own, rather than the two of you as a team. In my experience, if anything will undermine a relationship, it's that.

    Anyway, I don't know if that's at all helpful -- it's really just the advice I would give myself (and my ex) if I had a time machine to go back a few years... Good luck anyway.

    Mark
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    There may be an underlying problem.
    Perhaps he has an STD and doesnt want to pass it on, and anyway that would tell you he's been cheating.
    Or perhaps there is a medical problem with his libido, or problems on his mind.

    You won't know unless you tackle him head on.
    So pick a good moment and have it out with him.