my self-centered rambling introduction

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by nobody_, Aug 16, 2011.

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  1. nobody_

    nobody_ New Member

    because of social anxiety, i normally have trouble talking, even online. i don't know how much i'll be able to talk here. but i feel so desperate. so i guess i will try.

    i feel so worthless just for feeling suicidal again. i have been in therapy 12 years now for dissociative identity disorder and ptsd (and the depression and anxiety that accompanies both disorders). i have worked so hard for every bit of okayness or functionality that i have gained, but i still always come back to this place.

    i am one of those that has so many things that should make we want to live and feel okay about living. i recently graduated with a master's degree in a computer field, after taking 3 and a half years to do a 1 year program... and i have managed to get a part time job. (my anxiety and depression and other symptoms are too much to let me work or go to school full time.) working at all takes so much out of me, but it is something i love to do, that i went to school for, and i definitely feel like i can't lose it or i won't be able to find it again. to be a software developer normally one has to work full time, at least in my experience. anyway, so i've got the great job, i still can't believe i'm doing something so interesting and getting paid for it, and i have a significant other who lives a block away from me, although that's very shaky right now. i should be so happy. i have things that i have worked so many years for. i am off disability for the first time in ten years. every step is so hard-won. i'm so scared that i will lose everything i've worked for.

    i feel like i get so self-centered when i get into this self-hating place, this wanting-to-die place. so i apologize if i'm talking about myself too much.

    i am in therapy and on anti-depressants (and i have tried just about everything so i know i'm on the group of pills that helps me the most, even though i still get depressed.) i told my therapist, whom i see twice weekly, how i feel. i am doing everything i can think of that i'm supposed to do when it gets this bad. but nothing seems to help. i'm not asking for a solution, i'm just saying that i feel very badly over the fact that i can't find seem to find a way through.

    i have very few friends, and two of them (my significant other and my best friend) are in a very bad crisis, and my best friend is probably going inpatient because she is suicidal. (i feel like that means i should not talk about how i want to die, like that is taking something away from her crisis. i mean i'm still getting to work every day so it must not be that bad for me.) my only other friend is an ex and my current significant other has (justified) reasons that i should not see him (the ex) or receive support from him. but it's like, that crosses off everything. so that's why i came here. i feel very alone, and am trying to do what i can to reach out to others.

    oh - and i have really, really, really bad social anxiety (one of the reasons i have so few friends). that has always been my most disabling symptom. it is hard to leave the house, and i can't buy things in a store unless there is self checkout. it makes working a real struggle.

    thanks.
     
  2. GreyCat

    GreyCat Well-Known Member

    Hello there. Welcome to SF. You will at least find here people who understand your sort of situation. I also suffer from anxiety and depression and find working very difficult sometimes because of my nervousness. But I won't rant about me!! Hope you will find the forum helpful, I do.
    Dee :biggrin:
     
  3. Jelly

    Jelly Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums! It's okay to feel how you do; Just know we all understand and don't judge!
     
  4. nobody_

    nobody_ New Member

    thanks, it was very kind of you both to reply. i'm glad (and sorry) that others can relate.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I just want to say hi hun welcome to SF You are certainly a somebody okay hugs to you
     
  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I apologize for this late reply, but I figure a late welcome is better than no welcome at all! :hug:

    Social anxiety.... Crikey! I can't count on one finger the number of people I have met on here who are dealing with that (including myself!). PTSD and DID.. I wish I was more aware about what those two are like. I feel for you.

    Hmm... well, I will see you around the forum from now on, I hope! ;)

    Oh, and congratulations on graduating with a Master's degree! Bravo!

    Warmest greetings to you,

    Mr. A
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums.. Theres plenty of peeps here who well relate to your situation/.I'm sure you will make friends easy..
     
  8. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Welcome aboard Nobody :) ,

    A big kudo for a all that you accomplished so far in spite all your difficulties. You sound like a very brave person. SF is a great place to talk about your problems and, in my experience sharing them will take a lot of the edge. I hope you will stick round and find support here. People at SF deal with all kind of problems and understand what you are coming from, if not your specific issues, at least how hard it can be to function in daily life with mental illness. Again, welcome!
     
  9. nobody_

    nobody_ New Member

    thanks so much you guys. you are so compassionate. right now i'm doing a little better but it comes and goes. i'll try to psych myself up to posting more, but even if i can't i'm reading and thinking of everyone and my heart goes out to you.
     
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