because of social anxiety, i normally have trouble talking, even online. i don't know how much i'll be able to talk here. but i feel so desperate. so i guess i will try. i feel so worthless just for feeling suicidal again. i have been in therapy 12 years now for dissociative identity disorder and ptsd (and the depression and anxiety that accompanies both disorders). i have worked so hard for every bit of okayness or functionality that i have gained, but i still always come back to this place. i am one of those that has so many things that should make we want to live and feel okay about living. i recently graduated with a master's degree in a computer field, after taking 3 and a half years to do a 1 year program... and i have managed to get a part time job. (my anxiety and depression and other symptoms are too much to let me work or go to school full time.) working at all takes so much out of me, but it is something i love to do, that i went to school for, and i definitely feel like i can't lose it or i won't be able to find it again. to be a software developer normally one has to work full time, at least in my experience. anyway, so i've got the great job, i still can't believe i'm doing something so interesting and getting paid for it, and i have a significant other who lives a block away from me, although that's very shaky right now. i should be so happy. i have things that i have worked so many years for. i am off disability for the first time in ten years. every step is so hard-won. i'm so scared that i will lose everything i've worked for. i feel like i get so self-centered when i get into this self-hating place, this wanting-to-die place. so i apologize if i'm talking about myself too much. i am in therapy and on anti-depressants (and i have tried just about everything so i know i'm on the group of pills that helps me the most, even though i still get depressed.) i told my therapist, whom i see twice weekly, how i feel. i am doing everything i can think of that i'm supposed to do when it gets this bad. but nothing seems to help. i'm not asking for a solution, i'm just saying that i feel very badly over the fact that i can't find seem to find a way through. i have very few friends, and two of them (my significant other and my best friend) are in a very bad crisis, and my best friend is probably going inpatient because she is suicidal. (i feel like that means i should not talk about how i want to die, like that is taking something away from her crisis. i mean i'm still getting to work every day so it must not be that bad for me.) my only other friend is an ex and my current significant other has (justified) reasons that i should not see him (the ex) or receive support from him. but it's like, that crosses off everything. so that's why i came here. i feel very alone, and am trying to do what i can to reach out to others. oh - and i have really, really, really bad social anxiety (one of the reasons i have so few friends). that has always been my most disabling symptom. it is hard to leave the house, and i can't buy things in a store unless there is self checkout. it makes working a real struggle. thanks.