My self destructive behaviour has led me to a point with no options.

Allright, I'll give this a try. Here's my story.
I lost my job as a railroad engineer in August. My boss was a "born again Christian" with wife and kids. We ran into each other on a gay social network, and he immediately erased his account. After that, he began to try his hardest to get me fired for any technical reason he could...things that NO ONE had ever been fired for. On August 24, 2014, he was successful, and I have had no luck gaining employment since.

I have contemplated suicide for many many years. I have had an inability to feel joy my whole life. It occured to me that my effort to remain viable on this earth FAR outweighed the rewards. I've worked hard to have a nice job that I was good at, a nice home, and an income that afforded me the things I wanted in life.

After losing my job, I have slowly been losing all my money saved...running up my credit cards...holding off bill collectors, and planning to just live as long as I could till I ran out of money, then <mod edit - methods>.

So here I sit. My bank account if overdrawn. I'm a month late on my mortgage All my bills are past due, and my phone constantly rings from bill collectors. My internet access will end on the fifteenth. My electricity will be turned off Feb. 2. My phone will be turned off before the end of the month. I have two dollars to my name, everyone who could have helped me with money has already done so in the 5 months I have been unemployed.

And THEN!! It's actually kinda funny at this point, a hard freeze busted a pipe behind my house, and I have no way to fix it except to turn the water off at the street about 150 yards away. The spewing water has created a glacier all over the back f my house. It's actually a beautiful site!

So here I sit. <mod edit - methods>. I believe absolutely I am out of options.

 

Welcome to the forum. Please do not act on your feelings as Ben says be safe. Life is important and whatever situation you are in, there is always a solution. Keep posting here for the emotional support. You should note that others struggle in the world and you are not alone. Take care .

 

There was an investigation, but the fact is I had no proof that I ran across my boss on the website. And even if I did have proof, that would not necessarily demonstrate proof of intent. And technically, he was able to prove that I made some errors in my train handling, albeit errors that are made daily by every other engineer at Norfolk Southern. It's just a matter of who the Foreman decides to pursue, and the railroad ALWAYS backs up the bosses.

At any rate, none of this matters. I can't bear to lose the home I worked so hard for...my car...my pride, my phone...my entire definition of myself. I'm almost 50 years old, and can not start all over again. I don't have the strength.

 

You have to find the strength, never give up on life. You are important, please DO NOT ACT ON YOUR FEELINGS.

 

I am so sorry you are going through all this.
There are short lines hiring and as much as I hate to say it look into all the lines run by Rail America. It will be a big cut in pay but you will still be paying into you RR retirement.
Worst case just get in the door with one of the shortlines. Go back to conductor. Eating is always nice and you can usually move back up fast.
There is nothing fun about what you are going through.
A number of the rail museums hire also. They should be starting back up soon. Not a perfect or high paying solution but a fun environment to work in.

I am homeless and broke and can't work. I had to walk away from everything I had and just give up. My house was foreclosed. I am still trying to adjust to loosing everything I had. All I can say is plug away at life. I do not know if it gets better....I am still waiting for it to. Just remember those friends of yours out there that want to help you are helping you because they like you! Not your house, your car or anything else that is just a possession.

My ex worked for a number of different shortlines. Wish I had proof i can/did do some engineering.....
Honestly I wish I knew how to get 1/2 of his retirement like was stated in the divorce....

 

You're not alone experiencing starting over again. So many people lost their homes and had to start over again. My parents both lost their homes in their mid 50s. I know once you're behind, it takes 2 years of process bstore anything happen that's what happened to both of my parent and their houses. There were a lot of BS in paperwork.

 

Thanks for all of your suggestions, but none of these are options I haven't heard or thought of before.
I live in Rural Alabama, and there are just no jobs to be had. I don't have the money to move. I have pawned everything I have of value.
I have diabetes that I have neglected for a long time, and am starting to lose feeling in my feet. I am sure my condition has worsened to where I will need insulin, but I don't have money for a doctor, or medication. My diabetic status prohibits railroads from hiring me as per the Federal Railroad Administration.

I am single, and my life has no impact on anyone.

Who wants to be the 50 year old sad sack loser?!? It's funny how people stop calling when they know you're broke. The obvious dissapointment and irritation in my dads voice only confirmed my own self worthlessness. I told him I needed $2500 to make it till I got my tax returns, and he sent me $1500. He lives in a half a million dollar house in a golf community outside of Austin...plays golf 5 times a week. I have never asked him for money before.

Kinda makes you a bit down on yourself. If my own parents don't think I'm worth it, how can I?

I've never felt that there was something wrong with me that prevented me from feeling happiness. I've tried, I really have. My whole life. When I've achieved the things I thought would make me happy, it's never worked. I think even if I won the lottery, I would find a way to be unhappy. I have never had problems with money until now, and I have had suicidal ideations since I was a teenager.

If the quality of life is determined by the negative or positive outweighing the other, there is no contest. I have a HUGE struggle ahead of me to stay alive, and my life has taught me that the reward is just NOT worth the struggle.

 

lol, and the fact that I'm sitting here online whining and moaning "woe is me", only adds to my self disgust. The very fact that I want to die just confirms to me that I really don't deserve to live. AND I'm jonesing because I'm out of cigarettes as of a few hours ago, and I don't even have enough change to scrape up to buy another pack. I can't see any light in my tunnel.

 

Never give up hope. The important thing that you cope on a daily basis. I understand that each day is hard but you have to fight with your inner strength. Please do not do anything at all. We are here to support you and please give us a chance. Keep posting your thoughts and let us help YOU. YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND NEVER FORGET THAT...

 

I guess that's what I don't understand...hope for what?!? To stay alive?? So I can watch my world destroyed? SO I can continue my 50 year existence of loneliness and sadness, but THIS time, without a home or car or phone or computer, or self respect?!?

Honestly, haven't you ever seen a case where you just had to say, "wow, he would be better off dead and out of pain"?

 

Not that it helps much but came across this: http://1405.utu.org/UTU_Web/Default.aspx?PageID=3669
Q. I am diabetic, but my diabetic condition is fully controlled by taking insulin on a daily basis. Could the railroad bad order me simply because I am diabetic and taking insulin?
A. No. A person whose physical or mental impairment is corrected by medication or other measures does not have an impairment that presently ‘substantially limits' a major life activity and thus, the person does not have a disability under the ADA. However, the issue of the perception of a disability again arises to provide protection. Even though the employee may not have a protected disability, refusing to allow the person to work, who can perform all of the essential function of the job just because the person is diabetic and taking insulin would be discriminatory based on “perception” and thus unlawful.

Well, as far as the cigarettes go as long as you are not grabbing butts out of the public trash cans at wal-mart you are doing good!

Wishing I could send you some strength to get through this.

 

Hey youre not a loser. Youre just down on your luck. Theres a reason why they call it luck. Just bad cards dealt to you for now. Can always ask your dad again. Maybe he thought you mentioning 1.5k not 2.5k. Have a talk w him?

 

SMWhorses...You can be an engineer with diabetes according the the FRA, as LONG as you don't require insulin. It is Federal law...it also applies to to DOT regulated truck drivers. Pills to control diabetes is aceptable one you are hired, but not before you are hired. AFTER you are hired, the need for insulin injections prohibit your employment for both class A truck drivers, and locomotive engineers. REGARDLESS of how well the insulin controls your blood sugar. Believe me, I've done all my research.

 

THanks guys. I really do apprecate all of the support. As I suspcted it was notng I didn't alreaddy known. Good luck. Getting dleep now.

 

Why do you feel pills will not work for you? Type 1 requires injections not type 2?

 

It's not my opinion. The FRA is ok with diabetes, as long as it can be controlle by pills. When diabetes control needs insulin injectin, the law prohibits it, both by the DOT for commercial drivers, and the FRA for locomotive engineers.
My blood sugar has been consistantly over 400 for over a year now.. SHould be below 100. When I WAS on several typed of medications, none was very effective. TH last doctor I saw told me I REALLY needed to be on insulin, and tha was a year ago.