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My Self-Diagnosis

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by grei, Nov 24, 2007.

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  1. grei

    grei Well-Known Member

    I'm a sixteen year old girl, with a pretty normal life. I live in a small town, get good grades, have a few friends, have a good family life.

    All of this only makes me feel guiltier about myself. If I have such a good life, how can I tell anyone about what I've been hiding for years? I know they'd think I was just making it up, for attention or to feel different. At least, that's what they thought when I had appendicitis in kindergarten. I was only a few hours away from dying before they finally took me to the doctor.

    As for my "disorders", I've self-diagnosed myself with Depression and OCD.

    I'll have long bouts of depression, anytime from a week to an entire year. During these times I won't want to do anything. I lose all motivation to shower, excersize, do homework, or even talk to my friends. It's not often when I seriously consider suicide, but I'll think about my own death frequently, and as if they're just normal thoughts.

    When I'm not in an isolated, depressed state, I'll be "normal". Typically I'll be happy, but not bouncing off the walls. These phases don't last very long, however, and are usually only from a day or two to a month.

    In either state of mind, I'll have frequent thoughts that just make me feel sick("obsessions"). They're usually sexual in nature, and involve people that are obviously wrong to think about like that (teachers, family, etc). Sometimes I'll have violent thoughts, or irrational fears about being kidnapped/robbed/etc. I'm always terrified that someone will be hiding in my shower or looking in through my window..

    I feel like I have to punish myself for these kinds of thoughts, because I know that even if it doesn't feel like it, they're coming from me. The safest way I've found of dealing with it is mentally self-harming myself... I'll always picture something very graphic and make myself feel the pain. Sometimes it doesn't work and the obsessions just come back stronger than ever, and I make myself crazy trying to block them out and "punish" myself.

    I'm afraid that I'm going to move on to physical self-harm soon. I just don't know what to do to make the obsessions go away. As for my depression, I've told one person and he didn't seem to understand/care. I'm terrified that if I try to tell my family, they'll treat me like I'm making it up again - or worse, believe me and start treating me differently. :sad:

    What do you think? Do I really have these "disorders" or am I making it up to feel different from everyone else? I came to SF hoping to find people that would understand, and care about what I'm feeling.. but now I'm starting to doubt even myself :/
  2. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    :hug: Honey, I know exactly how you feel.

    I have a relatively good life, on the outside looking in. My grades aren't stellar thanks to two things I'll just all AP Classes and September.

    I am coming close to self-diagnosis also: mine being bipolar disorder.

    So we're in the same boat there.

    As for SI... don't do it. My scars healed. You think you can tell yourself, "just a little cut". And at first it's a little. And then you start to cut a little deeper than a paper cut. And sooner or later, every other thought is about cutting. About when you're going to cut next. Where you're going to cut next. What you're going to do when you're starting to run out of skin. Cutting takes over everything... please don't do it. It's horrible.

    I know exactly what you mean when you say you must punish yourself, though my punishment was for different reasons (believing I was selfish for wanting my friend to help me and such). Cutting was one way, slapping myself was another... and I could go on and on.

    But hear me loud and clear: You are NOT making this up. You are confused and scared and I know the feeling. You're uncertain and you can't tell anyone the depth of the anxiety- I know that.

    But here at SF, we understand. And we'll be here for you.

    I'm just a PM away should you need me. Take care sweetie.
  3. grei

    grei Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much, pisces. You literally put tears in my eyes just by replying.

    I'm so glad to hear that there really is someone who understands... it just seems like even the people closest to me could never understand even if they wanted to.

    Thank you for the advice on SI, too... But what can I do? I have no motivation to go running like I used to, and that really helped. But the mental stuff isn't working as well as it used to, and it makes me feel just as sick as the 'obsessions'. I don't want to do anything unsafe, or something as noticeable as SI.

    Should I try telling anyone? I'm not very close to any of my family, and like I said, the one person I thought would care really didn't react like I had hoped..
  4. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    :hug: You're welcome honey. Sorry about the tears *wipe away*.

    Cutting is bad, but I have this wierd thing when I do it constantly but then I stop for some reason... only to pick it up again a few months (or sometimes years) later. But this September it got bad. Very bad.

    My advice to you, if you ever do SI, is to come here first and try to talk to someone. But believe me, I know that sometimes talking will not do anything. If you choose to cut, take care of the cut afterwards. And make sure to clean whatever you cut yourself with- you don't want an infection.

    You should try to tell someone. But technically you did, since you came here. Opening up is a very big step and you've come to the right place. If you don't have anyone to talk to now, try someone. Like your best friend. If they don't get it... that's bad, but we will understand compeltely. And if you don't have anyone to talk to, someday you will find someone.

    I did once. And I fucked it up by trying to help him when he was ready to kill himself. When I thought he was going to. I told, and we didn't speak for a month... we are friends again now but something's missing. But I figure that will fix itself with time.

    And I am here. You can talk to me.

    So how did you self-diagnose anyway? Did you use the internet?
  5. grei

    grei Well-Known Member

    I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years earlier this week, because he just didn't understand.. All he did was tell me how I didn't love him because of the way I acted around him. I couldn't deal with trying to explain anymore. So yeah, I get the whole thing about relationships not working out when you try to tell someone.

    Actually, it started with jokes and things like that. People at school would say I was depressed because I was always very quiet and serious-looking. And when just had a generally bad day, my mom would joke "Are you depressed?" So after I got really low, I started learning more about depression and all of the symptoms fit me perfectly.

    As for OCD, I always only knew the tv-version.. constantly washing your hands and checking locks, etc. Only when we started studying mental disorders in my psychology class (last year) did I learn more about it.. ironically, my teacher had us skip that part of the chapter, but I read it on my own and related all too well with the "obsessions".
  6. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    Sounds like me when I went about researching for BPD. I only thought of bipolar disorder because it had mood swings (which I had) and the more I read that May night... the more and more it fit the bill...

    For me, depression started when I was... eleven, I think: my best friend of five-six years dumped me for the more popular crowd. My other friend new I liked this one kid, swore up and down that she didn't like him, but started going out with him anyway. I had those friends that used you for someone to talk to while they fought with their other friends. I was called ugly to my face... yeah, sixth grade was NOT a good time.

    I found friends and finally got my real friends by the eighth grade. But by the time I was thirteen I started getting angrier too... continued into highschool and here I am now, dealing with depression or anger (mania, really) and it varies from day to day. But I also get normal periods too (part of BPD), I'm in one right now, but I'm sure I'm headed for a crash... I can feel it coming on, that sense of impending doom I can't shake...

    Jokes are the worst. They hurt and you hate yourself for saying them. Like everytime someone tells me I'm emo (I'm not, though sometimes I might dress like something vaguely resembling it- I'm more punk rock/edgy than anything else) I have to laugh and agree......... it kills me...

    I hope you find someone that you can open up to. If not yet, I'm here! I'll listen. :smile:
  7. grei

    grei Well-Known Member

    It sounds like we had the same 6th grade experiences.. I used to be a part of the group who grew into what's now the "popular" group, but we drifted apart as they started treating me like I was less than them, and I became more and more introverted.

    Thank you so much for replying and relating to me, I feel so much better. I was doing very well this week, but somehow I just crashed tonight.. You've really helped me get back up :) I feel so much more.. normal, after reading a few other threads here on SF. I'm very glad I found this forum.
  8. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    The night I came to this place, I ghosted-around, cried at what I found, and joined. I took two absences but as for right now I'm here.

    It's good too know that we relate. It's always nice to find someone that shares experiences.

    We'll be here for you, just like you'll be here for us. SF is the greatest. :sf:
  9. possessednomad

    possessednomad Well-Known Member


    i have ocd as well. i know what its like to think about sexual things and a million other things about people most of the time.

    make sure that you remember that it's not your fault. while you can help it, you will always have periods where its bad and its hard to hold in there. its a very underrated condition in terms of how fucking shit you feel, trust me i know too.

    if you want to talk then just message me.
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