i began thinking of suicide when i was ten years old. im not entirely sure why. sometimes i think it was something have been born with, sometimes i think it may have been the constant turbulent circumstances, or i think rather that it is just how i handle and perceive things. when i had thought that it may have been what was going on in my life i was always in foster care, my dad was having his own issues and my mom, whom i first met at 11 years old decided she was better off without kids. when i was about 19 i was in a very abusive relationship. wanting to die was a constant battle. i had always thought it was the circumstances i was in but when i had finally left that relationship i found myself extremely depressed and the suicidal thoughts had a mind of their own. i thought that would all stop when everything was ok. but i wanted to die when i had no reason and i could not get rid of it. over the years through good times and bad it comes and goes. though now i deal with a new problem that is just as devastating to me, self hatred. every stupid little thing Ive done i end up hating myself for. it doesn't matter what it is. maybe something dumb i said to someone or something i had done years ago. i dont know how to fight it, but it keeps getting worse, i am in the habit of telling myself that i hate myself when no one is around. but now that habit is starting to creep up on me when people are around. im scared, i dont want anyone to hear it and i dont know how to stop it. and Ive done so well for the past 8 years without medication but this is starting to control my life and my decisions.