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my self hatred

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i began thinking of suicide when i was ten years old. im not entirely sure why. sometimes i think it was something have been born with, sometimes i think it may have been the constant turbulent circumstances, or i think rather that it is just how i handle and perceive things.
when i had thought that it may have been what was going on in my life i was always in foster care, my dad was having his own issues and my mom, whom i first met at 11 years old decided she was better off without kids. when i was about 19 i was in a very abusive relationship. wanting to die was a constant battle. i had always thought it was the circumstances i was in but when i had finally left that relationship i found myself extremely depressed and the suicidal thoughts had a mind of their own. i thought that would all stop when everything was ok. but i wanted to die when i had no reason and i could not get rid of it. over the years through good times and bad it comes and goes. though now i deal with a new problem that is just as devastating to me, self hatred.
every stupid little thing Ive done i end up hating myself for. it doesn't matter what it is. maybe something dumb i said to someone or something i had done years ago. i dont know how to fight it, but it keeps getting worse, i am in the habit of telling myself that i hate myself when no one is around. but now that habit is starting to creep up on me when people are around. im scared, i dont want anyone to hear it and i dont know how to stop it. and Ive done so well for the past 8 years without medication but this is starting to control my life and my decisions.
Hi butterfly,

Self hatred in all awful thing to live with, and it does take over everything. It alters your decisions, and your outlook on life. By the sounds of it you have had a very difficult life, which is bound to have an impact on you. If things seem to be getting more unanageable now, I would suggest going to the doctor to explain what is going on for you and how you are feeling. Perhaps discuss the possibility of going on medication, and/or attending some kind of therapy. Meds are not helpful to everyone, but they do help a lot of people, and surely it is worth a try? If it doesn't work, you have nothing to lose, and if it does.. it will be so worth it. I also think therapy could be beneficial so you could work through these issues of self hatred, and find resources to cope better.

Please keep posting and letting us know what is going on for you

Take care :hug:
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