Until recently, my wife was under the impression that I was ‘just depressed’, so last Friday I told her that I was actually feeling suicidal. She asked me if there was anything she could do to help and I told her that there wasn’t, and the conversation fizzled out. In the following hours I felt that I was a bit hard done by, but then realised that I had effectively slammed the door in my wife’s face by telling her, essentially, that I need help but there’s nothing she can do about it. Furthermore, I realised that what I was doing was dumping my situation on her; There you go – I’m down – nothing you can do about it – don’t be surprised if I’m miserable all the time. And there’s worse to it. It’s because I feel guilty about being so deeply depressed, and with Christmas coming up, I’m trying to exonerate myself from blame should it go belly-up. I must be a truly manipulative and selfish person to have done this. I’ve tried to think how I can possibly reverse or rectify what I’ve said, but honestly, that’s the least part of it. The worst part is my attitude. It’s easy at this stage to retreat into myself and ‘blame it all on me’. That’s not going to cut the mustard anymore as I know that, in truth, I’m being selfish, again. So, I try a different approach, and contemplate putting a brave face on things ‘just for the family’s sake’. There I go again; being selfish. Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. In an ideal world, the solution is to get rid of the depression and suicidal feelings. But that hasn’t happened in years, so how can I think I’m suddenly going to be released? These ever decreasing circles lead me back to the same endpoint. If I weren’t around then there would be no more problems for those around me. And now that I’ve identified (yet another) flaw in my character, how am I going to argue against returning to Plan A?. If I’d kept my mouth shut last Friday, I’d probably be in a better position than I am today, where I’ve put another nail in my coffin.