My Shaun...

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by HarleyTwin, Apr 4, 2012.

  1. HarleyTwin

    HarleyTwin Staff Alumni

    Shaun,
    I was going to write and post this next week…but I thought that while I still had the thoughts running through my head, I might as well start now while I still have the strength to. Lord up there knows I’ll be too much of a mess as time draws closer

    It’s been 6 years now. 6 painful years and I’m sure you can see what’s been gone on. I’m sure you’ve been disappointed in me many times over the last year; I just hope there have been some moments that you’ve been proud too. I made it to going shopping by myself a few times, and walking to the corner store again. By myself. I even made a new friend…right in Detroit too. It almost feels like it’s you close to me again. I’m taking slow steps to try and make it home and we’ve already decided to go to St Andrews at least once. And then maybe…I can really come and say goodbye to you, as much as I don’t want to. I just…need to.

    I miss you so much. You’re so needed right now. By me, by him, by them. I’m so mad at him, you know? He didn’t hurt me directly…though I guess in December’s case he did. But only because I was mad at him. But he hurt someone I care about. It hurts to see him change. I thought he’d be back to the way he was before all this…but he’s not. He’s turned into something none of us know and you can see what it’s doing. He’s sick again too. I see it in his eyes in pictures, and other things. I don’t know what he’s taking…but he’s not clean anymore, it’s so painfully obvious to so few of us. There’s a part of me that is worried sick, but there’s the mad part of me that doesn’t care because I feel like I want him to suffer…if only for a little while. Please though…don’t let anything happen to him again. I really don’t want to lose him no matter how mad I am. I still love him, you and I both know that…I just can’t stand to see this all falling apart. V said that you’d be knocking heads together if you were still here…I don’t doubt it. This much be making you mad as all hell watching our “family” rip apart.

    Thank you for my rainbows. Especially the one you sent for me last year before Carter joined you. Is he okay? Are you looking after him for us? Stupid question; I know you are. I just had to ask. I know you’re keeping our girls and Mikey safe for me too. I’ll never need to ask that of you.

    I’ve really needed you lately. I’m scared I can’t do this anymore. I know I made you a promise that I would defend everyone, and I would try and be what they needed me to be…but I’m not you. I wish I could be just half of the person you are and that you tried to teach me to be, but I’m not strong, I’m not as smart as you, I’m not as stubborn and commanding. Hell, I can’t even make my own decisions let alone keep everyone else from acting dumb. I failed, and I’m sorry. I don’t even know if I can keep trying. I can’t watch it anymore, but I can’t walk away. My conscience and my heart won’t let me. I guess what it comes down to is I’ll have to endure the pain of watching, or endure the guilt that would haunt me if I just threw up my hands and be done with it. I know the latter isn’t what you’d want.

    I love you, Shaun. I miss everything. I miss talking Batman with you, I miss your lectures and your pep talks, I miss your jokes and your goofy pranks. I miss our chess games and our philosophy debates. I just miss you. It seems stupid that I feel the need to beg you to come home…and beyond impossible. I mean, you’re not Jesus and even HE didn’t wait 6 years. Still…I wish it was possible. People say that you get over it in time - and the pain lessens. For me, you even know that it’s worse. The time away from you makes the pain worse I keep thinking “it’s 6 years since I’ve heard you laugh” or “6 years now that we haven’t called each other at 4am on our birthdays” or “6 years since I’ve accidently called you at work” The tapes don’t help…they only remind me of what I’ll never hear again. You’re the brother that I wished was always mine. The friend that I had for so long that never turned me away, no matter what. The friend that would be drinking while telling me to put my own glass down or you’d fly down and kick my ass.

    I only hope that your rainbows still mean that everything will be okay. That he won’t end up as bad as he was again, that he’ll go back to being the person we adored him for and that you helped him to be. He’s lost without you still, I know it. Just as I am. As we ALL are. We need you, in any form, we just need you. No fuck that, I need you. Call it selfish but I’m scared…there’s so many changes and I can’t do this on my own. I know you’d be saying I can…but I really can’t. I feel sick at just the thought. I hate change, but this one…this one I abhor. And you’re only the tip of the iceberg in its equation.

    Maybe there’s still hope, but I don’t know anymore. I just know I’ve hated this month for so long. Last year gave me two more reasons to hate it since you left us and it’s not getting any easier. I thought it would but it’s just getting worse. This wasn’t meant to be so whiney and depressing, but you know me…once it starts, it don’t stop.

    I love you, I miss you. I always think about you, always feel you, see you, even hear you in a not-so-crazy sounding way. It gives me some sort of comfort but then I remembered that it’s still not the same because even after it all, we’re still without you HERE, whether you’re with us in heart and spirit or not. I think that’s what scares me the most about coming home…that it’ll finally close the door and I’ll know that I’m truly alone here without you.

    Please, watch over them. I’m not sure how much I can anymore… Maybe I’ll see you in my dreams again soon?

    Love, always…Boofhead.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hun i hope you continue to post to reach out here okay when you need it the most hugs
     
  3. Tea_at_Four

    Tea_at_Four Staff Alumni

    Oh, my dear... You never 'get over' the loss. In time, you can get through it, and make a way to live with the loss as a part of your soul.

    Many hugs.
     
  4. HarleyTwin

    HarleyTwin Staff Alumni

    That's exactly how it feels to me. That it's a part of me that will never leave. Almost like it haunts me. It makes it ever harder when everyone else tends to remind me and it makes me go back to the mentality of "he's not here...and hasn't been for so long." :(
     
  5. HarleyTwin

    HarleyTwin Staff Alumni

    And I hate double posting but...it even makes it harder when it hits a point that it's a time where he's needed. He always knew what to do in these hard situations. Without him, everything crumbles and I feel like I helpless to fix it how he would.