Well im obviously new, and i've been depressed THOUSANNDDDSS of times before, but I can sleep and I'm crying.. and I don't know. Ahhhhh Ill get on with a short story of myself.. I'm only 15, I live in minnesota; Depression has ran in my family (on my moms side) My mom is a manic depression, and takes heavy medication. And I have two uncles who are scitzo and suffer depression. But onto me..! I feel.. so alone. I have a few friends (in real life) And I have a handful of online friends. I really love hanging out with my friends, but since i've been alone A majority of my life.. I find myself.. wanting to be alone rather than Talking to them, or hanging out with them.. i'd rather talk to my "online" Friends more. I don't know why, but I do and I feel so sad.. Because I love them.. more than anything.. and I can never see.. or touch.. or communicate with these people more than on MSN, Email, or phone. It's just so hard on me.. When I finally start being happy.. something pulls me down.. and I realize im broken inside. I feel like I have nothing to live for.. and I feel like i'm waiting for nothing.. I have a mental breakdown.. atleast.. 4-5 times a week. And sometimes it feels like to much to handle. I want to be loved. I want to be wanted. I know being heartbroken and sad is a normal part of life.. but I'm just shattered.. I don't remember the last time I was truely happy. And just the other day I went to a concert.. I was happy, I was having a good time.. but I came home.. and I was just.. "Welcome to reality.." comes back to mind.. where life sucks. I've had a few expierences with girls both online and in person. And it made me happy at first.. then they usally started falling in love with me more and more.. which drew me to fall in love with them more and more.. and while I was constantly falling in love..they fell out of love with me.. Its pretty much the same story with every girl. I don't know what im doing wrong. I wanna get medication really badly but I feel stupid. I wanna take my moms trazodone pills to see if I feel better.. but I read it increases suicidal thoughts for youth. And I really...don't wanna die.. I just wanna be happy.. one day in my life I wanna expierence being happy again.. and I feel like thats a little bit to much to ask for. Im wrapping this up now, thank you alot for your time. Sorry if the "short story" wasnt so short. My story may not be as bad as others.. but I can't help myself.. Im depressed out of my mind.. and I took that depression test thingy.. And got a 96, the only question I didnt give a 4.. was the do you plan on killing yourself.. as much as I sometimes wanna be dead. I don't want to die.. I wanna be happy.. Thanks for your time again, and have a good night everyone.