My short story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jake055, Mar 1, 2008.

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  1. Jake055

    Jake055 New Member

    Well im obviously new, and i've been depressed THOUSANNDDDSS of times before, but I can sleep and I'm crying.. and I don't know. Ahhhhh Ill get on with a short story of myself..

    I'm only 15, I live in minnesota;
    Depression has ran in my family (on my moms side)
    My mom is a manic depression, and takes heavy medication.
    And I have two uncles who are scitzo and suffer depression.
    But onto me..!
    I feel.. so alone. I have a few friends (in real life)
    And I have a handful of online friends.
    I really love hanging out with my friends, but since i've been alone
    A majority of my life.. I find myself.. wanting to be alone rather than
    Talking to them, or hanging out with them.. i'd rather talk to my "online"
    Friends more. I don't know why, but I do and I feel so sad..
    Because I love them.. more than anything.. and I can never see.. or touch.. or communicate with these people more than on MSN, Email, or phone.
    It's just so hard on me.. When I finally start being happy.. something pulls me down.. and I realize im broken inside. I feel like I have nothing to live for.. and I feel like i'm waiting for nothing..
    I have a mental breakdown.. atleast.. 4-5 times a week.
    And sometimes it feels like to much to handle.
    I want to be loved. I want to be wanted. I know being heartbroken and sad is a normal part of life.. but I'm just shattered.. I don't remember the last time I was truely happy. And just the other day I went to a concert.. I was happy, I was having a good time.. but I came home.. and I was just.. "Welcome to reality.." comes back to mind.. where life sucks.
    I've had a few expierences with girls both online and in person.
    And it made me happy at first.. then they usally started falling in love with me more and more.. which drew me to fall in love with them more and more.. and while I was constantly falling in love..they fell out of love with me..
    Its pretty much the same story with every girl. I don't know what im doing wrong. I wanna get medication really badly but I feel stupid.
    I wanna take my moms trazodone pills to see if I feel better.. but I read it increases suicidal thoughts for youth. And I really...don't wanna die.. I just wanna be happy.. one day in my life I wanna expierence being happy again..
    and I feel like thats a little bit to much to ask for.

    Im wrapping this up now, thank you alot for your time.
    Sorry if the "short story" wasnt so short.
    My story may not be as bad as others.. but I can't help myself..
    Im depressed out of my mind.. and I took that depression test thingy..
    And got a 96, the only question I didnt give a 4.. was the do you plan on killing yourself.. as much as I sometimes wanna be dead. I don't want to die.. I wanna be happy..

    Thanks for your time again, and have a good night everyone.
  2. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Trazodone is a mild tranquilizer, you'll be knocked out if you take that. I take it for sleep..
  3. that made me cry.
    i feel so bad ;[
    reading that jake,i feel the same way.
    like last night my friend wanted me to sleep over,but i told her no because i knew i was miserable and i just wanted to talk to you on the phone and not go to her house.
    you kept telling me things would get better even if i was crying.
    but im not so sure.
    i knew you were crying too.
    but i didnt say anything and either did you.
    you dont have to be afraid to tell me that.
    i could hear it though.
    i dont know what to say really.
    most of all,i wish you could be happy.
    i want to be again too.
    i cant remember when i was last.
    but one thing that makes me smile every time is knowing that i have a friend like you that i can count on.
    i can call you at 2 am crying and you never turn me away.
    we can get through this together,i promise.
    i love you very much.
    and i told you i would find your user name :)
    this site brings back bad #1 c/a memories what with the style of the forum and all...
  4. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    But you're only 15, why are you in such a hurry to fall in love?

    You have your whole life ahead of you to worry about things like these, there's no reason to be in a rush.
  5. beauutyy

    beauutyy Well-Known Member

  6. post number 2.
    oh well ;[
    i just cant help reading it again.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 1, 2008
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