my silent accomplishments

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Poorlaggedman, Oct 21, 2009.

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  1. Poorlaggedman

    Poorlaggedman Active Member

    I have a bad habbit of writing and then being afraid to see people's responses and never coming to check. That or I write something down in a text then usually when I feel better I delete it. If you read it, thanks. If not, whatever. I've never really told anybody. I try to refine my posts in all online communities I participate in but I told myself i wouldnt wait til I changed my mind this time.

    I'll be honest I dont raelly expect much from an online community like this because I figure its filled with other depressed people and I cant imagine what other type of person would lurk here.

    Ive been going in and out of depression for a long time. Lately I think its become less frequent and i think more intense.

    More than 8 years ago I was a sophomore in high school and I moved from one coast in the U.S. to the other. I'd be lying if I said I was never depressed before that but it got a lot worse when I moved. Growing up I had a decent number of friends but it started declining and I seemed to arrive in the loser category largely because I was dirt poor growing up in an upper middle class community. I mean shopping at thrift stores, buying $10 pairs of shoes that tore up my heels and huddling by the stove in the morning before school because the heater was broken or in the summer running the fans in the windows at nite to get the cool air in before the daytime. We had been middle class but my dad got injured, his employer screwed him and he couldnt work for years.

    I got teased mildly, I had a couple good friends when I was little but they they drifted apart the older we got. My parents are a little older so they taught me old fashioned. The only CD they ever bought me was Johnny Horton. I basically didnt discover music til halfway through highschool. I was a little shy but when I started high school I developed what I would call anxiety attacks which I denied but from what I remember they were pretty bad especially with chicks. :biggrin:

    I was feeling good towards the end of my freshman year when my parents announced we'd be moving clear across the country to a more affordable community. I had lived there my whole life and was pretty devastated, not even telling most of my friends up til a couple weeks prior.

    I had to start anew in 3000 miles away, my family knowing nobody there (i had one older sister who didnt move so it was just me and my parents). I didnt adjust well. I noticed all the differences, even in culture and dialect. I tried to keep touch with my friends back home but they werent of much help.

    This is when I started to get really depressed. While i fit in much better (clothing and hair style wise), everybody knew each other and I was just the guy from California who they lost interest in as soon as my shyness took effect. I didnt reach out to anybody or any offers and nobody was eager to drag me off to hang out. I didnt do shit with anybody. I sat by myself at lunch, I never did annything with anyone other than my parnets outside of school the entire school year. Yeah, not my proudest accomplishment.

    So to say I was depressed by springtime is an understatement. Im pretty sure it was a lowpoint. Ima go ahead and post, I'm not done yet but I'll probably back off if I drag on too much more.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad to read your post yeh it is hard when you are poor and you just don't fit in. I get that If you are depressed this long why not to see a doctor who can prescribe some medication for your depression and anxiety so you will be able to participate more Try joining something you are interested in sports club anything to get you in amonsgt people I hope you do keep posting so others can support you
  3. Poorlaggedman

    Poorlaggedman Active Member

    Im getting there (long way to go but most of the years I can summarize pretty easily).

    Ok so like I said at this point (about 7 years ago) was a low point. And this is the area thats hardest to confront for me. Probably gonna start to sound like I have issues but its something I've had plenty of time to think about and I've accepted that I may not have been in the right state of mind at the time. Often over the years I look back and think how I was a total idiot the year prior. This is no exception so keep in mind this is years ago. I no longer have an anxiety problem nor am I really shy.

    Basically one day in class I caught a girl I sat next to looking at me. She looks away real fast. No big deal. I pay attention and it happens again. One day we make eye contact for I'd guess no longer than 2 seconds. Obviously for a guy thats depressed as shit this instantly made me feel a heck of a lot better. I thought the word "love" then. I fed off the idea that this girl liked me. I had never noticed her but she was definately cute. If she had lots of physical defects, I may not have cared. I should also mention at this new school my anxiety attacks basically dissapeared (i blame myself not caring enough what other people think of me). Around her I just got more nervous but I would not say I had panic attacks.

    So as the school year was coming to a close, a lot of pressure is building up on me to talk more with this girl and the situations arent exactly presenting themselves and the few times they did, I shyed off. So the end of the schoolyear came and I feel like complete shit because here I am with no friends and its summer. I lived in a downtown area where I really saw nobody my age, lots of freaks and deadbeats.

    I decided, fuck it. I have nothing to lose so I installed my first instant messenger (ICQ) and did a search of my zip code. I'd heard of the IM mentioned in school and even been asked if I had it once. So I see I know the guy at the top of the search (at least sat next to him) and then wam, number 2 was her. At first I was like, fuck no, I barely know her I dont wanna seem weird. But then I decided I probably would have anyway because I talked to her as much as I did most other people (very little). We had a short conversation about nothing in particular and I hoped maybe that'd open something else.

    I also went on random walks around town for hours at a time. I musta looked like an idiot walking down dead end roads having no idea where I'm going as if I had a destination. I was just walking hoping I'd find some friends (lol). So, one day I ran into 3 people I "knew" from school. A lot of people knew me as the guy from California and they asked me if they wanted to come along setting fireworks in mailboxes.

    We went to a gas station and we were talking with another guy from school. The only part I remember of the conversation was somehow him asking me the question of who I thought was hot at school. I dont think I had an answer... he said her name. This is a confidence hit for me, this is a pretty popular dude saying the chick I like is hot. Combined with the relevation in my yearbook that she is a cheerleader didnt help my confidence (my old school was pretty steriotypcailly divided in that way. Maybe I imagined she'd had a crush on me.

    So we walked and walked around some bike trails eventually arriving at a sports complex with some basketball courts which turned out to be a major hangout during the summer in my area for teenagers. A lot of people recognized me and a lot of people came in and out.

    So of course I decided I'll buy myself a basketball and come back.

    Damn Im being too descriptive. And I love writing and all the details matter to me because Im still so confused about this specific time period. Must not be so interesting to someone else though. Maybe it would be better if I spent more time on it like an essay. I'd say its pretty epic to be humble. I cant see anyone else surviving what I've been through or rather what I've done to myself.

    Ima go to sleep. But hopefully I'll feel like writing tomorrow. I still have 7 years, 4 moves and 3 continents left.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 21, 2009
  4. Poorlaggedman

    Poorlaggedman Active Member

    I havent felt like writing. I only feel like writing when im really deppressed and that depends on the hour of the day. Its gotten to the point where comparibly little things are getting to me a lot. Its almost like an excuse in my mind to be deppressed and think about hurting myself. Really i dont think im gonna continue my story. I would like to, but I know nobody cares. Because I really dont care about anyone else's plight. Im just a nobody but sometimes I wish I could tell these things to someone I know. All it would do is really worry them and I'd end up on suicide watch which would only humiliate me and make me feel worse. Talking to a mental health dude isnt going to do shit for me. I was referred to one a few months ago and I just lied my way out of it.

    Long story short, graduated high school eventually after becoming even less popular, joined the army a year later to give me some purpose. Went to Texas for a year and a half, took it for granted, went to South Korea for a year, hated it got lonely suicidal, went to Germany for a couple months, I liked it. Went to Iraq in January, supposed to be going back to Germany within a few weeks. What upset me this time, is there's been 2 suicides in the past week in this unit which is pretty fucking bad when you're a week from going home. There was one earlier but that makes a little sense. A lot of people have problems being away from civilization for months. People forget about you. The few friends I had and others i made in the Army have little interest in keeping touch. Nobody fucking cares. I gave out my address and nobody but my sister sent me shit (woop-de-do).

    I'd say im a pretty confident guy, people like me, everyone says im the best worker, they think im funny they dunno what theyd do without me to pass the time. Im not shy annymore in fact theres maybe one person that I still get nervous around and I havent seen her in years. Yet im still single, people like me, Im a little thin and lanky but I hear from good looking chicks that im cute. The problem is I dont like them or the circumstances dont allow anything.

    I have morals although I'm not "saving myself" or any of that gay shit, theres been plenty of opportunities to pay for a prostitute (korea, Germany) I dont like that shit and I dont see what the big deal is with sex. Its a great thing but married people always start agreeing that its overrated.

    I'm in the process of applying for college which is a little hard to do from Iraq but if I get accepted I can get out of the Army early next fall to start shcool and with the new GI bill the benefits are huge financially. I have some dreams which are crazy but I honestly believe I can accomplish.

    Despite all this, at least a good quarter of the time, I dont wanna live anymore. What led me to come here is one morning I woke up with my alarm (didnt wanna get up) and instead of wanting to hit snooze I saw my assault rifle and just wanted to shoot myself in the head. In fact my biggest aspiration is to go up to our brigade commander and shoot myself. There isnt really anything soldiers can do to protest treatment. Our current brigade commander broke some promises on top of snubbing the whole unit by awarding everyone a medal lower than any other unit does (not like I care about medals but the guy is an asshole). There is absolutely nothing you can do. I "worked" in Iraq at least 12 hours a day every single for 9 months then I got one day off. If you dont believe me, thats ok, sometimes i dont believe it myself. The only way to protest treatment is to take your own life. Im sure the majority of people dont think that way but thats what my thoughts have evolved into. Almost like fighting back by suicide, because everybody knows the suicide in the military is out of control. They put all these controls in place to try and help earlier in the year and it only got worse. It makes me sick to think people in my situation just say fuck it and kill themself when they probably woulda been appreciated by someone out there. But we have leaders that say we dont do shit (the war's pretty much over) and our time is meaningless.

    I live a lot of my days with short term goals.... breakfast...lunch....dinner. And theres rarely much else to look forward to as I live in a trailer within a maze of 20 foot concrete blast walls. Ive been loosely making plans on travelling europe. I will spend new years in Europe I have not decided the city yet. Probably alone (at least initially) because everyone I know is going back to the U.S.. I look forward to this at the same time my life feels meaningless.

    I'm fuckin lonely. I think about how sad it is to be 23 and having never had a real girlfriend. I dont get it because im the nicest guy I know. I'm not a "nice guy", i can be an asshole and I tease the shit out of men and women alike. People tell me i'm the most mellow, easiest guy to get along with. Im a great mediator. I show genuine consideration. I look at people frustrated or having an arguement or being yelled at and try to do whatever it takes to deescalate or bring the heat to me. I'd describe myself as on a personal crusade to do the right thing at all times. I only discovered the show a year ago and it sounds kinda corny but I most try to have a code of conduct like clark kent in Smallville although I definately dont fantasize about any end result or superpowers. I said this shit all wrong and I probably sound suspiciously cocky for someone in my mindset but it really doesnt matter what anybody on this forum thinks.

    Sometimes I'm optomistic about spending a year in europe and sometimes I think its gonna be the same shit, different location. I thought things were gonna be different every time so far and I'm coming to believe I've become totally dependant on certain factors to support me. For example, if an imediate family member passed away or I epically faileed in Europe or punched the wrong person and went to prison, I would lose all will to survive. If I started compromising my own morals I'd feel like shit. Little things like a bad day are starting to get to me and theres really nobody i talk to now. I'd like someone to talk to because they want to talk to me not because im reaching out for help. And honestly there hastn been anyone for a long time, not anyone I felt comfortable dumping even a fraction of this on. The only person i know that would and actually care a lot would be my mom and that would only be selfish of me, shes a diabetic and shes got enough stress.

    Maybe i shoulda posted this in the rant forum.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 2, 2009
  5. stinkydog

    stinkydog Member

    hi poorlaggedman,
    Just read your posts, you've been through a lot in your 23 years of life! You probably have experienced and seen much more than anyone would have seen or witnessed in a lifetime from working in the army. No wonder your poor head feels exhausted and your fingers too from all your typing.
    O.k so your not too keen on talking to a therapist, maybe your not ready too. But dont just totally dismiss it just yet, I would but it on the back burner as something to come too later, when you feel your ready. However, you did well to put your thoughts online here and out in the open.
    Go traveling in Europe, you need a brake now form your job. The change in scenery will to you good. Stay in Hostels, not only are they cheap but you'll meet lots of people. I've done it before on my own, and met lots of people.
    Go and apply for college too, it will be another opportunity for you to further your self.
    You probably have achieved a lot more than you give yourself credit for!
    IM me if you like to chat more
    Take care
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