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my sister...trigger?

Discussion in 'Midnight Owl' started by anotherearthplease27, May 28, 2012.

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  1. anotherearthplease27

    anotherearthplease27 Well-Known Member

    i don't know what's wrong with me...i know that when i go back to sleep, after getting a good nights sleep, that i will have nightmares...but thats what i did this morning...i went back to sleep and had a nightmare...well i won't go into the details because i don't want to trigger anyone...but the jist of it was that i found my sister dying the way i had planned to leave....she told me"you don't know what i'm thinking"....i yelled at her for doing something so stupid(note that i didn't call her stupid").then i woke up.

    i hate how i see my life...that i get so lost in my own pain....that it's so easy to let yourself believe no one can be in as much pain as you...but that's not true is it?.

    i made the stupid decision , along time ago, to think there are things that can not be overcome.....but everyday people do overcome greater obstacles than i have ever faced. so my life will never be what it could have been....but who knows what it can be. maybe it's time instead of facing a pain that devours to face the possibility of pains that heal. i will suffer either way but at least i will be fighting for my life. i am too tired not to fight anymore....i have proven that i am great at self destruction...maybe i can prove otherwise.

    why is it we always can find forgiveness and give support to others, but it is so hard to give our selves?

    i feel positive today..but scared...i think i am ready to face Truths and Untruths..............I hope i have the strength.

    i drove past a sign the other day thst saidsomething like "so are you done trying to face it alone? God" i won't go into a schpiel about seeing the light...because i haven't....but the sign made me realize that there are people out there that care.....that i keep beating myself up thinking that because i am different i have to go it alone...truly that is bullshit?don't you think? or maybe i thought going it alone was easier...whatever..i cant do that anymore.

    i'm not saying that tommorrow i wont be drowning again in a puddle of my tears...that i won't be cursing life...but if i start making goals...try plotting my course maybe i will have a chance...and maybe it will be easier to get back on course.

    i have to stop trying so hard too...caring less if people like me.....

    i dont know if i am talking crap...all i know is that i am on a life is great swing or that life is bad swing...just trying to accept that im on a swing...maybe thats a start

    i feel more real than i have in weeks...i think i have all of you to thank...thank you
     
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