my sister (triggering)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by dazzle11215, Apr 11, 2011.

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  1. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i feel that i have to share this, i can't carry it alone anymore. i don't want to.

    i was sexually abused as a child and have spent the last year and a half in therapy dealing with it. i remembered some things, but blocked out a good deal. it's now all coming back to me. i'm overwhelmed and devastated.

    my sister and i had a sexual relationship when we were children. i've always remembered this and accepted it. this week i've been dealing with the fact that it started earlier than i remembered, by a good few years. and we didn't come up with this activity on our own. we were forced to have sex with each other by our abuser. i feel nauseous just thinking about it. i can barely talk about it in therapy without wanting to flee the room and throw up. we were forced and he watched. what kind of man would do that to two children? i keep asking that in therapy. my therapist says a controlling, sadistic man is the kind of man who would do this. i can't wrap my mind around it.

    i feel that another part of my childhood is being stolen from me. i liked being intimate with my sister (as sick as that sounds). now it's no longer about the comfort we gave each other, it's about something that was forced on us. i just want to cry.

    if you read this i know you probably won't know what to say in response. that's okay. i just wanted to get it out there. thanks for reading.

    c
     
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Dazzle -

    big hugs to you.

    while my situation was a little different, I have been trying to deal with csa stuff also. I understand how difficult it is.

    I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed with the thoughts & memories. It can hit you like a tonne of bricks, when it hits.

    It is not sick that you liked it, not at all. Don't think that way or let your thoughts go there. How were you to know?

    Please don't too hard on yourself, it wasn't you and it wasn't your choice.

    Take care.
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I know exactly what to say....WHAT A BASTARD!!!! not enough to hurt you in ways that no non abused child can ever imagine, but has poisoned the memory of your childhood with your sister :rant:
    Stick with it, I know the upcoming memories are very hard to take and make you want to bolt, but they poison your life until they are remembered, dealt with and put away.
    Just a thought, have you talked with your sister about what happened?
    She may need some support. :hug:
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i hope you continue with your therapy and get some healing for YOu
    He sick sick sick b and we all know where he will end up I am sorry your sister and you suffered at the hands of such a demon hugs to you
     
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    thank you everyone, i really appreciate your comments. this is probably the hardest thing i've dealt with in therapy so far. hanging on by a thread...
     
  6. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I doubt I can say anything to ease how ur feeling about the memories of you and your sister.

    If ok to say, this wasn't a sexual relationship..it was 2 sisters scared and doing as they were told to do, something no child should even know about, let alone doing...it wasn't a older sister abusing a younger sister...

    The "thing" that abused you both MADE you do this, he was controlling you, he was pushing he's thoughts and feelings on to you both, he was making you do this for either he's own sick twisted mind or/and because he knew that by making u and your sister do this he was ensuring that you would remain silent, and not tell anyone what had happened. The blame remains with him, from what I've read anyway ~

    when I was 7/8, I had lots of nightmares and to keep it short my mum had me show her what my step brother done to me on my older sister..I didn't want to, I remember not wanting too but my mum was not someone you messed with, not unless you wanted a beating, or to be sent back to your fathers for yet more sexual abuse...I only rememered this September 2007 and I felt the same way you do now..

    now, I still feel sick when I think about it, and still have days where I feel like the abuser but I do have days where I have to remember that I shouldn't even had known about those type of "things", that my mum shouldn't have asked me to do that to my sister, a teddy, a doll, but not my sister and that my step brother should not have abused me which then caused the nightmares.

    Please don't take the blame or any responsibility for this as you are NOT to blame.

    Sorry if I've said anything to cause any upset or distress its not my intention.

    take care of urself
     
  7. Socialman

    Socialman Well-Known Member

    Me and my sister had a similar problem when I was 6-12 years old. You are not alone. I never had an overhead abuser like you, but it started when my sister was molested by two girls and she decided to show me.
     
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Huge hugs for you all.
     
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    thanks for the hugs!

    hugs back to all who are suffering.
     
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