my situation (short)

[dewd]

lived trough some really though shit during puberty and teen years, a close friend killing herself, another close friend losing his life in an accident, severe depression and a failed suicide attempt (wich im glad failed but left my wrists and arm horribly scarred). eventually i recovered, finished high school and had some periods of good life. then i started studying arts in the netherlands (im german), and due to some personal changes in my life and the fact that i partied to much and studied to little i ended up quitting after the first year. new chance, new life, i moved to one of the biggest cities in germany. started studying arts yet again.

this is where i am now. and atm i just feel like jumping from the balcony 2 meters to my left. i will not, but i have an immens urge to hurt and harm myself, that i havent felt for years. i already broke several items in my appartment by punching them, and my right hand looks like a complete mess and hurts too much to even hold a teethbrush or write with it.

i have financial issues, the feeling that i am dissapointing my parents (who are in the middle of divorce yet are both very supportive) wich eats me up inside, i have cut class way too many times already because this city is so freaking insane... i havent gotten used to it and i dont think i ever will. i left my apartment early in order to get to art school today, and sat in the wrong subway, ended up cutting class because thats less embarassing than coming an hour late (wich wouldnt be the first time). i also ended up missing my job presentation (and i really really needed this job), because i came home so stressed, frustrated and messed up that i just forgot. like all the stress and new stuff going on in my life wasnt enough, a good friend of mine decided to take his life two days ago. it brought back so many memories and doubts.

now im sitting here... realising i did NOTHING the entire day,
and im falling deeper and deeper into. im too rational of a person to throw the biggest gift i have away (that would be my life aye?), but have never for many years felt this amount of self-hatred and this urge to slice my arm open because i am dissapointing everyone in my life, for the millionth time.

i feel like total shit.

ps.:
i am very sorry if my tone is wrong or if this is not the common way to post here, i just googled suicide forums and registered, because i want people who have experience with this stuff (like myself) to give input.
thats the kind of people that "really" can help, atleast from my experience.

i dont want therapy, i dont think i need it. it did help me back in my teen years but i am a very different person now, and i am sure i would only feel agression towards any therapist.

please just give me some practical advice...
how should i handle my situation...

 

[tweetypie]

Hi ..i really dont know what to suggest ..maybe antidepressants would help if you have suffered depression in the past it could really help. Dont be so hard on yourself everyone struggles to know who they are and how to go about getting where they want to go in life and we all make mistakes. Im sorry i couldnt offer you better advice but i wanted you to know that someone was listening :hug:

 

[LoveBeing]

Hi dewd,

Since you are a very rational person, may I just point out that self-hatred and/or hurting yourself would probably disappoint people in your life the most?

Take care!

 

[peacelovingguy]

Hey Dewd - sorry to see you in such low spirits - but it can happen to anyone, be they weak or strong, rich or poor, sick or well. Makes no difference really.

Cutting yourself is an outward sign of internal strife - but you know that. Maybe this strife has no cause - but it needs none and perhaps it hurts even more when you think you ought to have a reason for feeling down.

You've already had a suicide attempt - so lets hope that is your last. Trouble is the odds increase of attempting again when you don't get help. Some might say that anyone who feels like you do - who does not get help - is almost certain to attempt.

If you do not want counselling - that is fair enough. I don't want it myself. But to feel angry enough to want to punch someone counselling you (or feel aggression) then maybe its a sign that you would do better in counselling now - because your older. wiser (really, you are) and you know yourself better - or are heading in that direction.

I feel anger - I feel it brother - but its not an anger than any innocent bystander is ever going to bear the brunt of. That includes counsellors and ANY health officials. I have no anger towards such things and neither should you.

There is also a grim kind of humour in what you say - I mean, the man who goes to an anger management counsellor, hits the counsellor and claims his anger is perfectly manageable - unless someone angers him! See the irony?

If anything - as an artist (I count myself in the fellowship of creative endeavours) your anger ought to be focused on the very real injustices in the world. Alas you are still too angry at your own self to perhaps direct that anger in a useful manner. Anger can be a righteous thing - an inspiration for our lives, art and our very being. Alternatively, it can be a destructive force, eating away at our reasoning as a cancer eats away at flesh and bone.

The anger at your own self - I know that all too well. A man or women comes to an age were they look upon the mirror and the reflection is revealed as both our friend and enemy. Only the very dull and stupid will live a life without having it so.

However, some men and women will be gazing at the mirror and having their perception shaped by depression. So we feel the natural periodic downs of life, but we also feel the less natural downs of depression, in whose grip we are even able to see our own life as nothing, worthy for the grave only - and nothing else.

But that is depression for you - THE party pooper of all time - the Mr or Ms Misery, King or Queen of Darkness with respect to the darkness summoned up by our minds and left to roam loose due to a chemical mishap there - an electrical misfiring of a synapse there and the biological considerations thereof.

Depression is an illness. It's one we perhaps not taken seriously up until only recent times. Perhaps the Ancient Civilisations had more consideration for depression or 'melancholy' - but in recent times our civilisations (or those who contribute to the sciences) have made great strides in the treatment of depression and the strides continue to be great.

My practical advice to you would be to go to your doctors - perhaps through your place of study as I'm sure Germany is well aware of depression in younger people - students - and so it must have something in place for students. Anyhow, see a doctor - he or she will likely say "You have depression" - but please don't get angry and shout "First prize for observation you mushroom headed bozo".

Second - see your course tutor and explain how you have been suffering depression - and your coursework suffering, attendance and so on. They will be able to accommodate for students whose medical problems effect study and so on. They cannot hand you a pass just because of medical issues - but it will help you if you go forward now and explain rather than facing being thrown off the course - which would happen IF they just think your maybe taking days just to have fun or something. Let them know - there will be other students in the same boat - maybe you could start a self help group for students when you are better. After all - you should be helping each other.

So - there is my practical advice. Doc will likely prescribe anti depressants and trust me - your best to just take them - and map your progress in a diary - plus tell us here as we can support you and gee you up when your really feeling down.

As it stands - you have things in place to help you get over depression. The Uni and study is perhaps something I'd prescribe to people - as it gets you out - it gives you purpose and also allows you follow what must be or have been a great passion for art.

You need that fire in your belly again - the al night painting once in a while - practising and honing your craft so that you have all the skills needed to create your own style.

You have ready scarred one arm to the point whereby your hand suffers. This will shape your art - not hinder it. Many an artiste has contended with a disability and sometimes of their own doing! Many Great Artists have graced the world and left their art so that men, women and children might marvel at it's beauty, grace or perhaps some innovative surrealism which is a art all the same.

Try to enjoy the company of other students also - this is difficult when you have depression - but I'm sure many of your classmates would not be phased if they knew you were fighting depression. Many would help you - not offer patronising sympathy as you don't want sympathy so much - merely just to be accepted and maybe go to a few parties, gigs and so on. Maybe find a part time job - let your folks know your able to do that - when you feel good in yourself of course!

Depression is like a weight which is taken off when you tell someone how you feel.

Don't keep this destructive nasty illness to yourself. Make a stand - because as man you are duty bound to defend yourself from any enemy. Sometimes we become our own enemy - so the plan of attack has to be more sophisticated than just destroying yourself which kind of takes away the victory somewhat.

If your parents are going through a divorce - that is a stressful thing for all of you. But even so, the pain that causes would be as that of a moth brushing against them compared to the pain felt when a son kills himself.

I'm not saying that as a scare tactic. I'm just speaking a truth which you yourself would face at some point.

Don't kill your self - kill instead those aspects of your own self which weigh your soul heavy.

Anti depressants are a kind of boost to the mind that helps it stop the sheer insistence of the suicidal thoughts and general negativity.

At your stage - its a bit like the Matrix only there are not just a red and a green pill - there are a dozen or more - then combinations of the dozen.

So its sometimes a case of choose the pill - with the other choice being no choice you'd wish on anyone.

Good luck brother - people DO care - and sometimes we do also but have not the strength to put that into practice.

Hope you can get back into your art soon enough - but do go the doctors and do have a talk with your course tutor or the headmaster or whoever oversees the students welfare.

Yours from England.

Regards.

 

[daciana]

hi, why don't you take a break from everything and take some time for yourself? if you are able to, maybe you can go to a different city for a while, somewhere quieter, and just be. and don't think that by doing this you'll be disappointing anybody. sometimes you just need some time away from all the things that make you feel so shitty, perhaps it's all within but sometimes a change of scenery helps a great deal too. don't know if what i've said is practical enough or at all, but i hope you will be well.