lived trough some really though shit during puberty and teen years, a close friend killing herself, another close friend losing his life in an accident, severe depression and a failed suicide attempt (wich im glad failed but left my wrists and arm horribly scarred). eventually i recovered, finished high school and had some periods of good life. then i started studying arts in the netherlands (im german), and due to some personal changes in my life and the fact that i partied to much and studied to little i ended up quitting after the first year. new chance, new life, i moved to one of the biggest cities in germany. started studying arts yet again.
this is where i am now. and atm i just feel like jumping from the balcony 2 meters to my left. i will not, but i have an immens urge to hurt and harm myself, that i havent felt for years. i already broke several items in my appartment by punching them, and my right hand looks like a complete mess and hurts too much to even hold a teethbrush or write with it.
i have financial issues, the feeling that i am dissapointing my parents (who are in the middle of divorce yet are both very supportive) wich eats me up inside, i have cut class way too many times already because this city is so freaking insane... i havent gotten used to it and i dont think i ever will. i left my apartment early in order to get to art school today, and sat in the wrong subway, ended up cutting class because thats less embarassing than coming an hour late (wich wouldnt be the first time). i also ended up missing my job presentation (and i really really needed this job), because i came home so stressed, frustrated and messed up that i just forgot. like all the stress and new stuff going on in my life wasnt enough, a good friend of mine decided to take his life two days ago. it brought back so many memories and doubts.
now im sitting here... realising i did NOTHING the entire day,
and im falling deeper and deeper into. im too rational of a person to throw the biggest gift i have away (that would be my life aye?), but have never for many years felt this amount of self-hatred and this urge to slice my arm open because i am dissapointing everyone in my life, for the millionth time.
i feel like total shit.
ps.:
i am very sorry if my tone is wrong or if this is not the common way to post here, i just googled suicide forums and registered, because i want people who have experience with this stuff (like myself) to give input.
thats the kind of people that "really" can help, atleast from my experience.
i dont want therapy, i dont think i need it. it did help me back in my teen years but i am a very different person now, and i am sure i would only feel agression towards any therapist.
please just give me some practical advice...
how should i handle my situation...
this is where i am now. and atm i just feel like jumping from the balcony 2 meters to my left. i will not, but i have an immens urge to hurt and harm myself, that i havent felt for years. i already broke several items in my appartment by punching them, and my right hand looks like a complete mess and hurts too much to even hold a teethbrush or write with it.
i have financial issues, the feeling that i am dissapointing my parents (who are in the middle of divorce yet are both very supportive) wich eats me up inside, i have cut class way too many times already because this city is so freaking insane... i havent gotten used to it and i dont think i ever will. i left my apartment early in order to get to art school today, and sat in the wrong subway, ended up cutting class because thats less embarassing than coming an hour late (wich wouldnt be the first time). i also ended up missing my job presentation (and i really really needed this job), because i came home so stressed, frustrated and messed up that i just forgot. like all the stress and new stuff going on in my life wasnt enough, a good friend of mine decided to take his life two days ago. it brought back so many memories and doubts.
now im sitting here... realising i did NOTHING the entire day,
and im falling deeper and deeper into. im too rational of a person to throw the biggest gift i have away (that would be my life aye?), but have never for many years felt this amount of self-hatred and this urge to slice my arm open because i am dissapointing everyone in my life, for the millionth time.
i feel like total shit.
ps.:
i am very sorry if my tone is wrong or if this is not the common way to post here, i just googled suicide forums and registered, because i want people who have experience with this stuff (like myself) to give input.
thats the kind of people that "really" can help, atleast from my experience.
i dont want therapy, i dont think i need it. it did help me back in my teen years but i am a very different person now, and i am sure i would only feel agression towards any therapist.
please just give me some practical advice...
how should i handle my situation...