Apologies for the incoherence of what follows; I am having one of my shaking fits, and can't think very straight. I found this forum via <mod edit >. I'm surprised and disappointed that this forum does not seem to permit information on methods of suicide. Not everyone wants to be talked out of their situation. Personally, I would like to try to find a way to make my existence cease. I am tired, bored, massively depressed. I have a long history of problems with depression, going back to when I was a child. I don't know how many therapists I have seen since circa 1983 – there have probably been around six or seven bouts of therapy since then, none of them useful. I have Prozac, and my dosage was recently doubled, to no noticeable effect. During some surgery last summer I came close to dying – not through any doing of my own, but purely due to a mistake made during the operation. I was taken to emergency theatre as soon as the problem was noticed, but since then I have very frequently wished that I could have simply died that night. Earlier this year I had news of a girl whom I loved many years ago. I loved her obsessively, despite barely knowing her, and she wanted nothing to do with me. We have bumped into one another several times over the years – some very odd coincidences. She is now married, with children, and lives far away from me. Several weeks ago, when I had the latest news on her, I began having panic attacks, with fits of crying, shaking, insomnia, the works. It hasn't subsided. I never had any chance of being with her, although in my heart I believed that we were meant for each other. I have a long-term partner, but feel alienated from her, from my family, from everyone else. The fact that I have had to live without the girl I've mentioned here makes me want to die. I desperately wanted to mean something to her, even if only as a friend. I keep thinking about trying to contact her, but several people have said that this would be the completely wrong thing to do. I don't know what to do, or where to turn. Part of me wishes that I could find her, and go to her, and kill myself there and then. I desperately need her to know how much she means to me, even though this makes me feel a traitor to others. I sometimes resent my partner and family for being around, because as long as they're around I can't kill myself. I feel like I'm being blackmailed into having to remain alive.