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My situation

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dial Zero, Mar 21, 2016.

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  1. Dial Zero

    Dial Zero New Member

    Apologies for the incoherence of what follows; I am having one of my shaking fits, and can't think very straight.

    I found this forum via <mod edit >. I'm surprised and disappointed that this forum does not seem to permit information on methods of suicide. Not everyone wants to be talked out of their situation. Personally, I would like to try to find a way to make my existence cease. I am tired, bored, massively depressed. I have a long history of problems with depression, going back to when I was a child. I don't know how many therapists I have seen since circa 1983 – there have probably been around six or seven bouts of therapy since then, none of them useful. I have Prozac, and my dosage was recently doubled, to no noticeable effect. During some surgery last summer I came close to dying – not through any doing of my own, but purely due to a mistake made during the operation. I was taken to emergency theatre as soon as the problem was noticed, but since then I have very frequently wished that I could have simply died that night.

    Earlier this year I had news of a girl whom I loved many years ago. I loved her obsessively, despite barely knowing her, and she wanted nothing to do with me. We have bumped into one another several times over the years – some very odd coincidences. She is now married, with children, and lives far away from me. Several weeks ago, when I had the latest news on her, I began having panic attacks, with fits of crying, shaking, insomnia, the works. It hasn't subsided. I never had any chance of being with her, although in my heart I believed that we were meant for each other. I have a long-term partner, but feel alienated from her, from my family, from everyone else. The fact that I have had to live without the girl I've mentioned here makes me want to die. I desperately wanted to mean something to her, even if only as a friend. I keep thinking about trying to contact her, but several people have said that this would be the completely wrong thing to do. I don't know what to do, or where to turn.

    Part of me wishes that I could find her, and go to her, and kill myself there and then. I desperately need her to know how much she means to me, even though this makes me feel a traitor to others. I sometimes resent my partner and family for being around, because as long as they're around I can't kill myself. I feel like I'm being blackmailed into having to remain alive.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2016
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am unsure going and killing yourself is a manner of showing love or simply trying to inflict an incredible amount of pain on somebody that you profess to loving. If you were destined to be together you would be, she made clear she was not destined to be with you already. If you love somebody you care more for there happiness than anything anything else and could take consolation in the fact she is happy. You admit to knowing little about her so really the is situation is that she has been your place to make an "ideal person" and and avoid the things normal everyday life bring about by thinking if was with her then this would be easier when there is no reason at all to believe that to be true. It is not surprising people that are close to you feel alienated if you are in love with somebody you don't even know and want to choose them over the person that is there and has been there for years.

    If the person that you are with is wrong for you then by all means, leave and go find somebody that is right, but aside from asking and most likely being shot down since there is no real history or connection, the somebody that is better fit for you is probably not this other person either. Looking for happiness makes sense , if you are unhappy change your situation and look for happiness. But chasing something that is not there is not likely to result in happiness, and will lose you much that you have already have in the process. I really think you would be well served getting some real help with dealing with these feeling in a meaningful way so that you can actually enjoy the life you have.

    So far as site policies, they are what they are for the members that choose to post here. The safety and comfort of all members takes priority and seriously, you just came form someplace that listed all the information on methods anybody could ever use and yet you feel no better and still are looking for answers so I am thinking it is not the answer you are looking for either.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
    AJE likes this.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    what you wrote is completely coherent; I had no problems following what you had to say.
    Unlike the site you came from, this one is pro-life. It's how the site was long before I joined, and it's how it will remain. Our goal is to help people find the strength to live, not to encourage anyone to give up. I realize that's not what everyone is seeking, but that's not going to change how this site functions. However, I'm glad you came here and hope you stick around.

    I'm not trying to be mean or make you feel worse with what I'm about to say. But it sounds like you may be obsessed with this girl. I've been on the receiving end of that... I've had someone who decided we were meant to be together, even though I didn't feel the same way. I ended up discontinuing any form of contact with this person, and it's probably best you do the same with the girl you feel this way for.

    You mentioned being on medication, but have you considered therapy? It mmight be what you need to help you get over this girl. You may find that, if you put forth the effort to get past her and heal, you can find happiness out there with someone else. All doesn't have to be lost. But you have to make the effort to get over her.
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