My small story (thx to loud silence ;))

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by alexman, Jan 2, 2011.

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  1. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    well i feel worthless, im very sad. my mind is killing me with "bad" thoughts
    i feel like i have no hope left. i cant do the basics task and cant support myself so there is no reason for me to live. i dont live now or enjoy life, i am unable. and i have a strong self hatred
    i could come up with more. ive been depressed since i was 10. i had a suicide episode when i was 13 but i didnt try but went long in planning. this time i tried, i cut myself deep in the middle of the arm hoping for death but no artery. First time i cut to die, now i do it for the thrill.
    i have had around 7-15 major depressions, lasting 2-8 months. i mean so strong i cant go up out of bed or watch tv even went apatic and was unreasonable to outside stimuli. strange how im not getting upset by this, i should have triggerd my self. i have suppressed everything in my life so when i bring stuff up shit hits the fan. i have no emotional connection to the words, im talking around it.
    in college i got bullied for only one year. they spit on my locker and put snuffs on it and poked me with sharp pencils adn even burned me with a lighter. I got beaten but not regularly(maybe 20-30 times in my life) by my parents and its was just brusing no broken bones just to prove i am inferior to them and they have the authority. but its nothing, im way worse by the verbal and mental abuse by my parents. now i stoped interacting with them. I've had 12 therapists and they all quit on me. the 7th i threaten to kill in my anger, i appologised and said im sry didnt mean it it was misdirected anger and id never do anything, i got reported and booted. cant remember why i lashed out but i have bottled up alot of anger. when i get angry i get MEAN PISSED. 4,5,6 were social workers, pawns in mom and dad money war. the last two were social workers 2 who didnt care about me, more about my parents who manipulated them. mom might have mynshousen by proxy contemptry (means she hurts my mentaly to get attention). she slaped me in the face HARD for not taking out some used glas in my room with no provocation and she got me to feel guilt, said it was all my fault and to really apologise for it. i mean horrible like i killed someone. dads the same and they force me to feel it too and i still bottle it up, what they feel i do wrong. my father always said im fat and ugly same with mom and sis. he teased me every day. so now when people say im fat i dont really mind much as i think of it as the truth altho my bmi is 22. i talked about it but got no reaction, no emotion is involved. before just last week i puked when discussing it. maybe its a delayed effect and will fuck me up bad when i go to sleep and try to relax. then i cant fight or block it thats why im staying up so late now, i cant sleep i can only pass out. i have been feeling very "blank" but cant be sure. my current therapist only sees me every 4 weeks. i have no faith in her, im doing it for my friend. promised him to stay alive as long as i can. but no one wants to help me on my terms. i googled psycopath, one said i could be that its similar to aspeger. i fit in it, not comforting. gotta bring that up with the testers. it freaks me out somewhat to not be affected in a positive way by anything. why am i so blank? i have no real connection to my emotions, its strange. i feel sad but at the same time not. so i wonder is there any wrong with being depressed and then fellin happy for a day or so and then go back? i feel guilt when im happy cos im not sad, like im not for real. im all over the place, my mind is in chaos
     
  2. ~Young-Violet~

    ~Young-Violet~ Banned Member

    Hello AlexMan,

    Seem's like you have had a rough past, I am sorry to hear about the bullying and abuseing. No child/teen/adult deserve to be put through that. Did you reeport the abuse? This could help a little you can fine your parents. I'm sorry to hear about the bullying, did you show reaction or tell anyone, who could suppoirt you? You need to help your selff so that others can help you. Or nobbody can do anything. If you ever need to talk I'm hear for you :hug:
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey l can relate i reallly can and i am sorry you went through hell Good move getting awayfrom toxic environment of your parents stay clear I too bottled up all my emotions for a long time It is a shame the professionals give up on you when you needed them the most. I hope you have some anger management therapy just to learn how to control it. anger is not bad it is just so volatile it need to be contrlolled
    Postive thing here is you have a friend thank god for that i never had one I hope you do hold on for that friend
    Give this therapist a chance okay it take time to trust after all you been through took me over a year to trust mine
    You need to talk im here okay lot of people will relate to your post so thanks for sharing and for helping others hugs
     
  4. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    wow thanks for the replys i reported the bullying but nothing happend "no evidence" <w< i dont really have any support and i have no anger manegment
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i hope in time you can get some support but were here now okay hugs
     
  6. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    in what way can you support me? i cant vent :/
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Please do vent by all means we can support you by listening by letting you know you are not alone others here have gone through the same thing and have made it through I am with you okay i understand ive been there and i am still fighting the battles take care continue to vent continue to let the pain out here please
     
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    alexman have you heard the saying?
    'anger internalised = depression'
    is it because you feel overwhelmed and frustrated..you have every reason to.
    maybe get some help for controling / channeling your anger..
    I'm sorry you were bullied....that's so wrong...I can't stand bullies-I was bullied
    learning how to be assertive may help you as well...there are courses
    time to look after yourself ..you can't change the people in your life but you can change you..
    keep trying and take care
     
  9. 2ndCity773

    2ndCity773 Active Member

    Bodybuilding helps me. Im still depressed and have major issues. But at least I can kick the shit out of almost anyone now. Hope this helps.
     
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