My smile is fake.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by skidzoid, Dec 3, 2010.

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  1. skidzoid

    skidzoid Member

    People judge by outer appearance. Well, most people who know me would say i'm a happy-go-lucky dude. Truth is, i'm badly hurt and broken by the world. I feel hate, i feel unloved, i feel unwanted. I guess, no one really knows what we, depress and suicidal people, feel and think. I'm just looking for acceptance. I admit i'm a person suffering with severe depression and maybe with mental illness too. I would sometimes cut myself with a blade, from my body to hands to legs, letting my blood flow freely down my skin. Doing so makes me feel alive. It somehow gives me satisfaction and comfort. I would sometimes drip my blood on my scrap book and write words with it. Ive got no one to turn to. So many times i tried to stop myself from doing so, yet so many times i failed myself. When i try opening up myself to other's, they'll just treat it as a joke thinking i'm joking. I've tried so many times opening my self to others, and yet i failed. I'm sick and tired of trying. So many times have i cried. Yet no one listens. Happiness is like a myth in my life. It's only filled with sadness, loneliness and hatred. I wear a mask everyday. Deceiving my love ones, my lecturers, my friends. I scream and suffer in silence. Will someone accept me for the way i am?
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Welcome and I accept you.

    Your right the people around us that have never suffered from these types of diseases have no idea what it feels like or the thoughts and anxieties we have to fight every single day. I dont know much about self harming, but I do know all about suicide thoughts and how hard it is to fight them.

    Im glad you found this site, because it has helped me out in so many ways. I will listen to you and hope that I can give some advice or thoughts of my own back. Give it to us, what bothering you? How long have you dealt with depression and what options have you already tried?

    PM anytime.
  3. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hi skidzoid and welcome to sf
    ive been where you are i told someone close and got slated for it ill keep my "secret"to myself now,i too wear a mask daily
    so consider yourself accepted ok
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi and Welcome to the Forum from me. We'll all accept you for who you are because we've all experienced a lot of what you're going through.
    You've got a lot of issues going on at the moment and you're going to have to learn some coping strategies. We can help with that.
    Have you seen a doctor? Have you had a diagnosis? Or been given any meds?
    It would be really helpful to get some more info before I reply further. xxxx
  5. skidzoid

    skidzoid Member

    Hi there, doityourself.
    I'm just feeling soo down lately. Honestly, it's already been weeks now i haven't harm myself. I tend to keep it that way. just sometimes, i feel so tempted to do so. As far as i can remember, i've been in this condition for a few years already. I keep telling myself to be strong, as the saying goes, there's always light at the end of every dark tunnel. I've tried not thinking about it but u know how it always ends. The thoughts just come back. Ive also tried making myself busy, it works. But only for that time being. As i lay myself down on the bed, getting ready to sleep, negative thought would just flock into my head. Sometimes, i feel like i'm going crazy.

    Hi there hollowvoice. Worst thing that happened was, i told my ex-girlfriend, at that time girlfriend, about my condition. She said she understands and all and would go through this "issue", as we call it, together. But our relationship ended 2 months after that. Hurt like shit. But got through the pain with the help of my guitar...

    Hi there Catherine...
    Nop i haven't been seeing any doctors and haven't being diagnosed by one either. I'm not on medication. I would love to see one though. It's just, I'm still a student and seeing a doctor or psychologist requires money. Lately, things have been difficult for me. I'm rushing to finish up my assignments. And there's the final semester exams. God help me. I'm gonna explode soon. Making things worse, my feeling are all in a mess. I'm becoming paranoid.
    I did some research on mental illness and found out that out of the 15 symptoms, i have like 11 of them. Am i going mad?

    Gosh, i would really love a hug and a shoulder to lean on now. I feel so broken.
    Ps. Thanks all for welcoming me and accepting me for who i am.
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Hugs to you,

    Do you think you can see the college therapist, going to school and not counting everything else you have going on is so stressful. Think of ways to relieve stress, even if its little things.

    I like to make lists of things, (I know hollowvoice, dont laugh) things that are bothering me, things that are good, lists about everything in my life, looking at it on paper opens my eyes up on the things that I can change and lets me know what others I still need to work on.

    If you think you have depression, I would suggest seeing a doctor, I understand about money but this is your health we are talking about. Dont be scared, so many go through this, it can change but its going to take some work.
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You're not going mad hun but it sounds like you do have depression. Go and talk to the college counsellor in the first instance, they might be able to get medical help for you without it costing too much.
    Other than that, educate yourself on every aspect of mental illness. The more you know the better because knowledge is power. If you're studying towards finals though you might want to wait awhile on that one.
    You do need to learn some coping strategies. Playing the guitar is a good one so you've already sorted that out yourself.
    Writing things down is another good one. Rant away for as long as you need to, it's helpful to get it out of the system.
    Sometimes we can have internalised anger that we don't even know is there. Has anything happened in your past that you're angry about?
    You also need to look at what triggers your moods. For example I can't stand crowds so avoid them. I also avoid alcohol since it's a depressant.
    Everyone has their own individual triggers and coping strategies - just keep trying different ones until you work out which is right for you.
    Sending hugs, pm box always open
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