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My so-called marriage.

Aurelia

🔶🔸✴ 👑 ✴🔸🔶
#1
I was convinced that he was cheating on me after I saw a bunch of texts with him and other women, especially one in particular, making sexual remarks and talking about meeting up to fuck. From what it seems like, he didn't actually do it, but only because this bitch was clearly a scam artist, asking for money and gift cards. But I strongly feel as though, if that wasn't the case, he probably would have ended up fucking her, because from what I read, he seemed pretty intent on doing so. But even though I don't think he did it, it's obvious that he wanted to. And just that, alone, hurts like a bitch. I've been crying for the past several hours, thinking about everything. Seeing him asking these dumb c*nts for pictures, calling them sexy, and telling them what he'd like to "do" to them...it's all circling around in my head and I can't get it the fuck out. And now, it's making me feel like I'm not good enough and I'm not pretty enough.

One thing I always thought he was, despite all his other shitty character traits, was loyal to a fault. Looks like I was severely mistaken on that one. Fuck, man. It just fucking hurts. So, so badly. At first, I was ready to call it quits. I told him it was over and that I wanted a divorce. But we talked about it, and based on what I saw in the conversations, as well as his explanation of what happened, I believed him that he didn't actually cheat on me--at least, not in the worst possible way. And that's the only reason I decided to give him one more chance. Our marriage is broken for the most part. There's no passion, no intimacy...not like there used to be, anyway. Nevertheless, I don't think that it's necessarily broken beyond repair. He did apologize profusely and promised to never do anything like that again, no matter what. So we both agreed to try harder to fix our problems instead of just sweeping them under the rug. We need to communicate more and tell each other what it is that we need from one another, and work together to assess what could be done to make the relationship better and each other happier. I don't know if that's actually what's going to happen or if things will just continue as they have been, but I swear to fucking god, if he does this shit again, there will be no more talking. If he hurts me like this again, I'm ending it for good next time.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#3
Sorry ☹️ that stinks !! :/ I wonder 💭 almost - & this is just a hunch (nothing more). . . There isn’t something of a codependency; or a codependent relationship going on here, in some small way? Do you think that that’s possible? You’ve probably considered it—& I’m quite sure that you know what that’s all about.., but I can only ever remember you mostly bringing up the bpd, and whatnot—(not that that’s not what it is, or without merit), & anyway... I’m just wondering 💭 & thinking out loud because I sort of tend or seem to see or sense the same trend, repeating itself, over & over again. With very little change, or end result.
It reminds me slightly of something this great Russian doctor I’d had once said, And he’s all fuming over another one of my doctors 🥼 decisions, and the outcome s based upon those, what he felt, were errors in judgement at the time. And I’m sitting there - despite being in agreement with him - still feeling sorry for this other doctor for who knows what reason, really? And: he saw right through my attempts and said, “I don’t care about all of this other stuff (meaning the argumentation and persuasion )—show me the results!!! ;)

anyway, not that I’ve managed to enlighten you on anything, just thought I’d share one ☝️ fellows thoughts 💭 &/or opinions. Who knows if there’s any validity to them whatsoever? Could in fact be “0.0 %!” ; )
 
#4
I'm sorry *sadhug. You don't deserve to be going through this, and the problem is with him not with you. Make sure you do what will make you happy - you don't owe him anything if he is being terrible to you. Sending hugs *hug10.
 

Sunspots

Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#5
I'm sorry T, I know how much it fucking hurts.

I also know that I wish I'd packed his bags the first time he did it. Because once I'd forgiven him once, it felt easier to forgive him the next time. And here I am, nearly 30 years later and I can still taste the resentment, in fact it feels even stronger now than it did then, it's had all that time to fester and grow.

If you're going to give him another chance (and I certainly can't tell you not to), don't just sweep this under the carpet and try to forget it ever happened. Make sure you get all of your thoughts and feelings out there - and his too as even though he's in the wrong you need to know and understand why he did this in order to make an informed decision about what you want to do next. Talk about it and talk about it some more. Don't leave a single unanswered thought in your head about it.

I'm sorry he's done this to you. You deserve better. Please don't ever think otherwise.
 

Auri

🎸🎼Rock Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#6
Oh bullshit. This guy ticks ALL the boxes of what a disloyal and abusive person does in a marriage. There will be no improvement, only the illusion of it. Lies are like rats. For every one you see, there are 50 you don't.
You know that I understand your situation, that I empathize and get the why's of you staying and trying, and I'll never pretend that I'd do things differently if I were there (although I strongly hope I would) ... but I know you appreciate honesty too, and these are my real thoughts. You are not responsible for any of it, you deserve actual loyalty and love. These are basic, damn it.
I love you girl, and that's why I hate seeing you in so much pain because of him. I hope you get out, I'm sorry for saying that. :(
 

Ash600

✮☆Meetup star ☆✮
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#7
Everyone's got their views on what to do, you can probably guess what camp mine are sitting in. But, the ultimate decision is yours, no one elses. You've rationalised what needs to be done/changed in order for this relationship to continue. In spite of all that he's done, I can understand your scenario and your reasons for trying to repair things. Well I should do as you've told me the reasons why on several occasions.
However, as long as you'll be able to recognise, which I believe you can, of the time where your situation has become irreparable and it's time for you to bail out.
 

UKDude

Well-Known Member
#9
I also suspected my ex of cheating early on in our relationship but I forgave her for it (she claimed nothing happened), but I resented her for the next 20 years - until she did it again and I resented her even more, then we split up.

Now I feel like I've wasted my life and been a fool, and while she rides off into the sunset with her new chap, I'm left sat on a pile of rubble where my life used to be.

I wish I'd ended it right back then, except for the kids I wouldn't have, they are the only positive.
 

Harmony

Well-Known Member
SF Supporter
#10
And now, it's making me feel like, I'm not good enough and I'm not pretty enough.
This is not the case, his actions are a reflection of himself and the person he is rather than your perceived worth as a partner.

He will "compromise" and tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear in order to keep you but lacks the actual action on his part showing that he genuinely wants the relationship to work and to make you happy. You deserve to be happy. You can only make so many allowances for a person and imho he's used up all of his long ago. You're capable of putting him first but I'm sorry to say he has shown over time he can't offer you the same.
Always here for you if you want to talk.
 

UKDude

Well-Known Member
#11
This is not the case, his actions are a reflection of himself and the person he is rather than your perceived worth as a partner.

He will "compromise" and tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear in order to keep you but lacks the actual action on his part showing that he genuinely wants the relationship to work and to make you happy. You deserve to be happy. You can only make so many allowances for a person and imho he's used up all of his long ago. You're capable of putting him first but I'm sorry to say he has shown over time he can't offer you the same.
Always here for you if you want to talk.
Indeed - don't punish yourself for someone elses actions. They own that, not you. It's about them, not you.
 
#12
Im with Auri on this one.. as I have been. Nothing's changed.. as should be expected. Wishing you the best as always. Time to create that change for yourself.. as frightening as it may be, there's a better road ahead. Loyalness is the opposite of what he does to you.
 

Aurelia

🔶🔸✴ 👑 ✴🔸🔶
#13
Im with Auri on this one.. as I have been. Nothing's changed.. as should be expected. Wishing you the best as always. Time to create that change for yourself.. as frightening as it may be, there's a better road ahead. Loyalness is the opposite of what he does to you.
Thanks bro. I miss talking to you. Hope you're well.
 

Quietus

Well-Known Member
#14
He's already proven himself unfaithful, whether he's actually physically gone out and done the deed, or not.

I'd say you've say got grounds for a divorce, if necessary.
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#15
I don't know what else he's done but is this the first time he's done something like this? And did he want you to discover what you did?
 

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